


Lean on Me, I Promise Not to Fall

by mujeresdemuerte



Category: youtube - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Slow Burn, Strangers to Lovers, matt is a power bottom and ryan is a service top and that’s just my opinion
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:15:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 71,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23443075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mujeresdemuerte/pseuds/mujeresdemuerte
Summary: That mood when you wanna fuck your dorm mate.
Relationships: Ryan Magee/Matt Watson
Comments: 110
Kudos: 179





	1. Blue Eyed Boy

**Author's Note:**

> I’m sad about college being cancelled right now. I’m excited to be back later this year.... and I’m hoping to meet someone. Bless these boys helping me get through all this madness. I hope you are all safe and well! <3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan helps Matt move his couch in.

Ryan leaned back into his desk chair as he worked on his computer. It was the beginning of the semester and he had some orientation work to get done before classes officially started. Ryan had arrived a day earlier than expected to set up his side of the dorm room and spend one night alone before whoever his roommate was arrived. He had had a terrible one his freshman year and credited him for his dip in grades. Ryan sighed to himself and run his hands down his face, music pumping through his headphones.

Loud enough that he hadn’t noticed the door open, some boxes and luggage being brought in, and the presence of another human being in the room until a slender hand found itself on his shoulder. Ryan jumped and glared at the boy behind him. It was an incredibly lanky boy, his glasses and bright blue eyes made his dark under-eye circles stand out. He was grinning sheepishly down at Ryan and went to hold his hands up defensively once he saw Ryan’s reaction to him. Ryan slipped off his headphones .

“Hey man, sorry to scare you. Thought you heard me coming in and out,” The guy moved with nervous energy the entire time he talked, “I was just going to ask if you’d help me move in my couch?” The boy smiled guiltily. 

“Sure dude, don’t sweat it.” Ryan said, adding a small smile as he stands up. He catches his appearance in a mirror by the door and shakes his head. For some reason, he cared about how his appearance in front of his new roommate.  
“My name’s Matt by the way!” Matt chirped as he walked out the door, Ryan followed behind him. Matt was wearing skinny jeans and a t-shirt that showed off just how skinny he was. Ryan wondered how helpful flip flops were when lifting couches… and also realized he hadn’t answered Matt.

“Oh, uh, Ryan.” Ryan responded as they made their way to a car that was waiting outside the dorms. A girl sat in the driver’s seat listening to music and playing on her phone. A couch was sticking out the back of the car and Matt stood behind it.

“Well hey, thanks again, Ryan.” Matt said before trying to pull the couch out, it was going as well as could be expected with the stance he was taking. Ryan walked from behind Matt and moved to where he was, taking his place behind the couch. With one good pull, the couch came out of the car and towards the ground. Matt helped him hoist it up and then shouts to the girl in the front.

“Catherine, I got it all! I love you, call me.” Matt shouts to the girl in the car, she gets out and shuts the doors and trunk. She throws up a peace sign towards the pair.

“Ok bro, good luck! Love you back.” She says as she gets back into the car and drives off. Matt and Ryan find their way back up to the dorm. Ryan takes most of the weight of the couch, it’s cute that Matt is struggling so much. They set up the couch in the room. Ryan starts feeling a little too hot so he slips it off his hoodie to reveal a white wife beater, as well as pulling his hair into a low bun.

He looks up and see’s Matt sitting on the couch and staring intently at Ryan. Ryan’s dark brown eyes lock with Matt's big blue ones for a second before heading back to his desk. Matt appears behind him again and leans down to talk to Ryan, already very comfortable considering they just met.

“Thank you, man, really. Now that we’ve got this couch maybe you’d wanna play some games?” Matt is looking up at Ryan softly. This was nothing like his freshman roommate. Ryan cocked his head towards his computer.

“Sorry, I got some work to finish up.” Ryan grabs his headphones and slips them on before Matt can respond. He doesn’t want to be rude but he doesn’t want to give Matt the wrong idea. He doesn’t have time for friends and fun, this is college. He has a degree to get and a family to help. The loud music from before fills Ryan’s head and after finishing his orientation work he moved onto looking for internships and work off campus.

By the time he’s done Matt is passed out on the couch with Katamari Damacy music playing from the PS3. Hm, nice taste. Ryan falls into his bed and faces towards the wall. Soon enough the heaviness of the day and his body lures him into sleep. It’s gonna be an interesting semester.


	2. Mario Party & Chill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt convinces Ryan to relax after work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thx for the kudos and comments - I appreciate it :) I planned out the next few chapters so I hope y’all like them!! I love love <3

While the job Ryan had gotten at Gamestop wasn’t exactly the yearly salary he was looking forward to at the end of graduation - not even enough to help with the cost of living on campus - it was nice to help his mom out. 

While that was nice, the barrage of idiot customers, late shifts after his classes, and lack of time for hobbies was weighing on him. A lot. There was some solace in the bus ride home, though. It was relaxing, he has his music, the way the town morphed into campus, and the rumbling of the engine. Soon enough he was at the stop close to the dorms. 

Ryan made his way up the stairs and into his dorm, Matt was sitting at their now shared desk. The agreement was Ryan gets to use Matt’s couch and consoles if Matt gets to use Ryan’s desk and chair. Ryan slipped off his work shirt, jeans, and boots, grabbing his shower set. He was left in an undershirt and boxers. When he looked up Matt had taken off his headphones and was facing Ryan. 

“Uh hey man, you good?” Ryan asked, while grabbing a pair sweatpants and a black t-shirt. Matt nodded and smiled charmingly. Pointing towards the TV. 

“Yeah, for sure, just wondering if you wanted to play something once you’re back, I had a bad day...” Matt says, “I’ll let you pick the game! I got a lot.” He smiles and gestures towards the bookshelf against the wall. Ryan glances over at the large collection. He really should catch a shower and then get a head start on his homework so he can work during the weekend rather than working on homework. Matt seems to sense his apprehension and rolls his eyes. 

“Dude, you work so hard. It’s... insanely impressive. You deserve one night of mindless video games and some beer.” Matt motions towards a six pack Ryan hadn’t seen before. Ryan raised his eyebrows and made his way towards the door, opening it slightly before responding. 

“I’ll shower on it... but just put in whatever you like, it’s been awhile since I’ve had the time.” Ryan said before walking out the door and down the hall. This late nobody was showering so Ryan walked right in and let the hot water relax his tight muscles.

Maybe it could be nice to relax one night. Not work on homework after a shift. Drink a little and spend time with a guy who seemed nice enough. Ryan sighed and leaned against the tile wall, it doesn’t always have to be about the world and his family and succeeding. He shut the water off and dried off, slipping on a pair of loose sweatpants and his black t-shirt before heading back to the dorm. 

——————

Matt was setting up a game of Mario Party, choosing to play it safe. Ryan was... something else. Matt didn’t entirely understand why he wanted to get to know him. He had the Tucker brothers to take him out and hang with, but Ryan was interesting. Matt heard the door opened and looked over to watch a slightly damp, very nice smelling Ryan walk back in with a slight smile on his face. 

“Pass me a beer.” Ryan says as he makes his way to the couch. Matt smiles and grabs two on his way back. Starting up the game. He can’t help but move closer to Ryan as it progresses. They get to talking and usually Matt feels like his humor is a little too much for people but Ryan understands. His laugh is so... heartwarming doesn’t seem like the right word but it also feels like it is exactly the right word. It inspires Matt to get Ryan to laugh as much as he can. 

“I can’t believe you’re losing,” Ryan said while Matt was rolling, “I haven’t played in... well so long that this is kinda embarrassing for you.” Ryan smiles over him. Matt tried to not notice that it’s kinda sweet. Ryan’s always so serious that it’s nice to see him having fun. Matt moves a little closer and now their knees are touching but Ryan doesn’t seem to notice so Matt just enjoys it. Damn, why does he enjoy it? 

“Fuck you, dude! The controllers are broken.” Matt says as he moves forward in the game and progresses above Ryan, landing on a square that catapults him further to the next star. 

“Oh, yeah, blame the controller.” Ryan quips while taking a swig of his second beer, waiting for the next turn. Soon enough Ryan is back in the lead, so far in the lead that Matt doubts how long it’s been since he’s played - but he also knows that it’s all up to chance. Maybe he should wager something on the next game. Ryan wins and throws his controller on the couch. 

“Suck my balls man! Bonus stars for days.” Ryan smiles as he taunts Matt and Matt sticks his tongue out. 

“Best out of three, dude!” Matt says, disappointed in his lost. Ryan looks smug as he grabs his phone to look at the time, his smile fading as he looks down. 

“Ah, yeah, um, this has been fun but I have classes at nine am tomorrow and I got work after... so maybe another time?” Ryan looks over at Matt, looking genuinely apologetic. Matt glances at his phone and sees the time, one in the morning, when did that happen? He nods at Ryan. 

“Yeah no problem, we should probably both sleep,” Matt grins at Ryan, trying to hide his disappointment, it’s been a fun night, “but I’m holding you to that rematch.” 

Ryan smiles and gets up, heading towards the bunk bed in the corner of the room.

“Yeah man for sure, well, goodnight.” Ryan says as gets into the bottom bunk and gets under the covers, slipping earbuds in. Matt can’t even say goodnight back. He heads to the computer and starts editing one of his first projects. Trying to keep thoughts of Ryan and his laugh out of his head.


	3. You Shouldn’t Have Waited

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan helps Matt finish a project.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually write scripts! Trying to learn how to write code. Just like writing <3

Matt stayed at Harrison’s dorm way longer than he should off... he had way more to drink than he should of... he wouldn’t have enough time to finish this project before tomorrow at the pace he was writing. It shouldn’t be this hard to write a short film but the alcohol and rising anxiety were not a good combination. 

He should of planned this all out at the end of last week because he’s known this is due but if there’s one thing Matt couldn’t do it was fucking focus. Matt sighed loudly as he deleted another line of dialogue that just didn’t make sense. It’s only twenty pages... but it’s also ONLY twenty pages! What kinda story was he supposed to tell?! 

He felt something light hit his head and looked towards where Ryan was laying down with a textbook in his hands and some tea on the side table. Matt slipped his headphones out and tried to smile but his gut was twisting in knots and his head was starting to feel too fast. 

“Hey man, what’s up? I’m kinda busy right now...” Matt reached behind his head to scratch the bottom of his neck and looked up sheepishly at Ryan. He would love to just blow this off and hang out with him. He’s been opening up more lately and it’s been nice. He thought having a roommate would feel different but this was nice. Comfortable. Matt actually liked being at home now, rather than constantly going out to avoid sleeping and seeing his parents. 

“You’re breathing pretty hard, I just wanted to make sure you’re cool.” Ryan said, putting his book down on his chest and cocking his head to the left with a small frown. Matt opened his mouth to speak but Ryan spoke before him. 

“And don’t just say you’re fine because I know what anxiety sounds like.” Ryan said very firmly. Having all that seriousness and care directed at him made Matt feel awful, he was acting crazy and not doing a good job hiding. He should up the dosage on his meds... and remember to take them.

“I’m really sorry, Ryan, I didn’t notice how obvious I was being,” Matt said not looking directly at Ryan. Eye contact was hard enough without it being Ryan’s serious, caring eyes. “It’s just this project, I’m stuck and it’s getting to me.” Matt turned back towards to screen to look at it again. 

He heard Ryan getting up from his bed and then he was behind Matt looking at the screen, a heavy hand on Matt’s shoulder. It was comforting and Matt focused on that instead of on the screen. It brought him further out of his head and his worries. 

“Writings hard man, you should sleep on it, that would help.” Ryan suggests, smirking down at Matt. And Matt can feel his heart beating faster again, but it’s not his anxiety. It’s something he would rather not think about right now or ever. And it reminded him of how he felt when that one guy who was always at those college parties would flirt with him. Matt swallows hard and grins back but looks up at the ceiling before replying.

“See I would if it wasn’t due tomorrow morning...and I gotta get up early to go print it at the library anyway.” Matt laughed a little at the situation, he thought he’d grow out of this after high school but here he was. Ryan sighed and gestured for Matt to get up. Matt usually hates being told what to do but gets up quickly because it’s different when Ryan does it. Ryan sits in the chair and opens a new Celtex project window. 

“I know you can write code, but scripts...? It’s a whole other ballgame.” Matt says, holding his hands behind him as he leans forward to look at the screen. 

“How many pages does it have to be? Certain genre? Any restrictions?” Ryan says, looking up expectantly at Matt. 

“Twenty minimum, thirty maximum, any genre, no restrictions.” Matt says quickly, trying to remember exactly what his intro to screenwriting professor had said. Ryan snorts as his hands start flying across the keyboard. 

“Man, if you had started on this when you should of it would of been a piece of cake. Just wait till later in the semester.” Ryan says, now writing some dialogue. Matt looks at his face - he looks so happy. Whenever Ryan did coding projects his eyes looked... different. Matt grabbed a couch cushion to sit on while he looked up at Ryan. 

“You really don’t have to do this.” Matt said as he set his hands on the desk and his chin on that. Ryan shakes his head but doesn’t look down at him. 

“I know I don’t have to, but I’m done with my homework for the week and I don’t have work tonight,” Ryan starts and then looks down at Matt, his eyes bright, “you could say I’m bored.” He smirks again and then looks back at the computer. Matt goes back to watching him. 

_______________

Ryan had finishing and Matt stayed at his side, on his knees, scrolling through and reading the script slowly. He looked really sweet. It felt nice to help him - he seemed so anxious and Ryan couldn’t stand it. It completely distracted him from the reading he should of been doing instead. He attempted to shake the thoughts out of his head. Matt hummed while he read certain parts and beamed when he finished it. 

“DUDE! This is actually good. For real, change your major.” Matt said, looking serious. Ryan thought it was sweet that Matt didn’t think twice about switching majors - but entirely unrealistic. He could feel his face get warm because of the praise, however. 

“Very funny man, call me in four years when I’m working at google and you’re a starving artist in LA.” Ryan said while he named the script and looked at the time. God it was late, he really shouldn’t have gotten so into writing. He stood up and made his way back to his bed. Matt huffed as he got back into the chair. 

“That’s mean, Ryan.” Matt mumbled as he moved the script file to a Dropbox before getting up himself - making his way to the bunk above Ryan’s. 

“I’m joking, Matthew. All the best to you and sleep well.” Ryan said as he turned on his side and turned off the small lamp next to his bed. 

“Goodnight Ry and seriously,” Matt’s head leaned over the top bunk and Ryan couldn’t exactly make out his face but could see a grin, “thank you.” Ryan could feel his cheeks burn again at the nickname. 

“Of course.” Ryan said and then there was silence between the two of them. Matt’s new nickname for him stuck in his head as sleep found him.


	4. I Couldn’t Stop Myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt comes back from a party drunk. Ryan deals with it but doesn’t know how to feel after. Things get saucy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a kinda longer chapter. I made apple pie earlier tonight and wrote this <3

Matt tossed another shot back and tried to shake off the taste. There were cheers around him and Harrison had a hand on his shoulder. The music was amazing and Matt could feel himself move along to it before he thought about what he was doing. He has been this drunk before and it always led to bad decisions. And his friends were amazing but they loved to see those bad decisions through. 

A large projector showed the screen of a console game in the corner of the yard and Matt headed that way. A small Super Nintendo sat in front of a man with dark hair who worked his way through Donkey Kong Country. Matt sat behind the group in front of the screen and watched as he progressed through a few levels. The handful of shots he did at the request of his friends began to hit him and everything was fuzzy around the edges. The game in front of him made him think of Ryan and the evenings they had been spending together. It felt nice, warm, and relaxing. He never felt this relaxed. 

Matt wanted to be home. He wanted to be with Ryan and felt his hands grab his phone before he processed it fully. He started typing, “I miss you, come get me.” But before he could send it Harrison came up and ruffled his hair. 

“Hey man, I got work tomorrow. Let’s head out ok?” Harrison said and offered a hand to Matt. Matt got to his feet and his drunkenness hit him in a different way. He didn’t feel sick though, just at the precipice of ‘bad ideas’ and ‘I feel like shit’. 

“Yeah, yeah, that sounds good! I wanna go see Ryan.” Matt hummed as he followed Harrison through the house again. Harrison responded with a laugh as he lead Matt back to his Volvo. Matt got into the car and leaned against the window. Happy to be headed home. He wanted to be near Ryan, hear his voice, maybe kiss him... Matt sighed happily at the idea and relaxed the rest of the way home. The alcohol helped with the worries, it always did.

_______________

Ryan had a pretty awful day. His back hurt from work and he couldn’t get the C he had gotten back from one of his first test of the semester out of his head. What was wrong with him? Ryan put his head into the crook of his elbow and listened to the bus stop announcements on his way home. He had forgotten his headphones, making it kinda impossible to drown out his own thoughts. 

The announcement for the stop near his dorm cane over the speakers. Ryan stood up and walked down the short set of stairs, waiting for the doors to open. He waved to the bus driver before stepping off. 

“Goodnight, thank you.” The bus driver said before closing the doors. Ryan smiled a little. The woman drove him home everyday, he should learn her name. He made his way up to the dorm and found it locked. Matt wasn’t home. Well, he was usually out doing something so it wasn’t that odd. It’ll be nice to have some time to himself, Ryan thought as he unlocked the door. 

He slung his backpack off his shoulders and onto the floor before pulling the collar of his shirt up over his head. Ryan then slipped his gym shorts off and slugged towards the couch before falling on it. It wasn’t his most graceful homecoming but it was the kinda day that he didn’t care about that. He opened his eyes and turned on the TV with the remote on the table. Some random horror movie came on and Ryan glued his eyes to that. Maybe he should just pass out here, horror movies never really scared him and he was so comfortable... 

He heard the door opening and a stranger's voice from outside. Ryan propped himself up on the couch cushion to look up and saw a man helping Matt inside. He has short hair, big glasses, and a goofy shirt on. He smiled up at Ryan. 

“You must be Matt’s roommate, I don’t know how you live with this one.” The stranger laughed as he helped Matt towards the couch. Ryan got up and made a space for Matt, although he wish he could’ve just gone to sleep instead. His back yelled at him as he sat up and he had to force a small smile. 

“Ah it’s no problem, he’s usually fun,” Ryan quipped, “my name’s Ryan.” The stranger smiled kinda deviously at that. 

“Oh I know who you are, Matthew wouldn’t shut up about you the whole way here.” The man said, cocking his head towards where Matt was sitting on the couch. Ryan felt a part of his chest twinge at Matt’s full name coming from the man’s mouth. 

“Good to know...” Ryan says, “and your name?” Before Matt’s friend can answer Matt whines a little and moves closer to Ryan. 

“Harrison! Go home, I wanna be alone with Ryan.” Matt pouted and looked towards, apparently, Harrison. Ryan blushed a little at the suggestion and locked eyes with Matt’s friend. Harrison nodded to himself and started backing out. 

“I know when I’m not needed, have fun you two.” He quipped before grinning and closing the door. And then it was just the sound of the screams from the horror movie and the heavy breathing of the two boys in the dorm. Ryan tried to focus all of his attention on the cheesy violence on the screen but Matt made it kinda hard. Matt moved even closer and their knees were touching... then Matt moved his legs over Ryan’s. Ryan turned towards Matt, he was clearly drunk and smiling up at Ryan. 

“You need anything, Matthew?” Ryan said, trying to distract himself from the heat that was growing inside of him. It would be nice to have anyone this close but with Matt it was different. Matt hummed a little and leaned forward into Ryan’s shoulder. Kissing at his bare bicep. Ryan tried not to react but his chest tightened up.

“I like when you call me that, you’re so serious Ryan... but it’s kinda hot.” Matt said, continuing to kiss down Ryan’s arm and Ryan felt his body begin to buzz. The soft kisses radiating warmth. He realized how exposed he was and it made his heart beat faster than it already was.

“C’mon man, you’re just drunk.” Ryan said as he focused his attention towards the screen again. Maybe Matt would just pass out and forget about all of this. Ryan briefly thought of shaking Matt of of him but it didn’t feel right to do that.

“I mean, you aren’t wrong... But seriously man,” Matt says and suddenly he is straddling Ryan’s lap and his ass is very close to Ryan’s dick. Ryan feels his whole face heat up and that heat moves down his body toward his stomach. Matt is face to face with him, “I wanna kiss you, touch me, please.” Matt grabs Ryan’s hand and puts it on his chest. 

Ryan doesn’t know how to react at first and just stays still, looking at Matt’s chest. Refusing to make eye contact. This can’t possibly be happening! Matt tries to lift Ryan’s face up to his and when that doesn’t work he pulls his shirt off. And then they are both shirtless. Matt’s jeans are so tight and he is more toned than Ryan would of assumed. His skin was really soft. Ryan feels like he’s on fire and wishes he didn’t. 

Ryan placed two hands on Matt’s shoulders and was about to lift him off when Matt kissed him. It knocked the wind out of him. The surprise coupled with the knowledge that Matt found him hot, he couldn’t help but reciprocate a bit. His hands fell to Matt’s hips and Matt hummed as moved his ass a little. The part of himself Ryan tried to keep repressed won the fight and he slipped his hands down to grab Matt’s ass as he groaned. Matt’s hands went to grab Ryan’s hair as he deepened the kiss. He felt Matt’s tongue making its way into his mouth and the taste of vodka his him. Ryan felt like a piece of shit and remembered WHY Matt was acting like this and gently shoved Matt off of him. Matt whined and Ryan looked up at him. His pupils were big and his cheeks were dark pink and he looked hungry. Ryan shook his head at Matt.

“Matt, Hey, I’m sorry. Don’t take this the wrong way. You need to go to bed.” Ryan said resolutely, standing up with Matt in his grasp. Matt tried to whine and protest but Ryan was the stronger person in this scenario. Guiding him towards the bottom bunk that Ryan usually slept in. Not wanting to make him climb up to the top bunk. Ryan slipped his shoes off and went to take off his jeans but thought better of it.

“At least sleep with me, please! I need to have you near me.” Matt begged, tossing and turning in the bunk that Ryan had set him in. Ryan felt a stab in his heart and the air work its way out of his lungs. Fuck... this is too much... 

“Matt, you’ll regret this tomorrow. I promise. Please sleep. We can talk in the morning.” Ryan said sadly, making his way to Matt’s top bunk. He set his head down on the pillow and tried to relax but his whole body was buzzing. The pillow smelled like Matt and it was comforting. Matt continued to whine from the bottom bunk but eventually fell asleep. Ryan sighed and let himself relax after that. The thoughts in his head swirled, he had forgotten about his bad day. But now he has a million questions, instead. Ryan willed himself to sleep and promised himself they’d deal with this someday soon.


	5. Let Our Moment Linger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt cleans the apartment and indulges Ryan because he feels bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait. It was my birthday a couple days ago- I’m 20 now! My girlfriend likes the fic lolol

Matt woke up to the sound of his phone alarm going off. Mid day light from the window behind the desk flooded into the room. He groaned as the first thing he felt was the pounding of his head and his body aching. Then the tightness of his jeans and cold air hitting his chest. 

Matt felt around the bed and the sheets felt different, he squinted his eyes and realized he was in his dorm but in Ryan’s bunk. He sat up fully and looked towards where his alarm was going off, his phone was on the couch. Matt got up and stumbled over to grab it. It was two in the afternoon. Matt sighed heavily and ran a heavy hand through his hair. 

His vision was too bad without his glasses to read the notification on his phone. He squinted as he looked around and saw what looked like his glasses on the coffee table. Matt slipped them on and looked at his reflection. God, he looked worse than he felt. Matt glanced up at his bunk and Ryan wasn’t there but the bed was made - which is never was. He looked down at his phone again and had a few messages from Harrison and Tucker. But none from Ryan. Matt went to text him and saw a text typed out reading, “I miss you, come get me”. 

Matt sat down on the couch and rubbed his eyes. Very glad he didn’t send it and just came home instead. The last thing he can remember is taking shots and... then Harrison driving him home... everything else isn’t as clear. Why did he wake up in Ryan’s bed? Where was Ryan? What did he do?!

Matt knew he could be a very honest, very affectionate drunk. He didn't mean to get as drunk as he did, it had just snuck up on him. Matt looked down and saw the shirt he had been wearing last night on the floor. He looked over at Ryan’s bed and made his way over to make it the way Ryan usually did. It was really sweet that Ryan tried to keep things more tidy than Matt even cared to. But lately Ryan had been too busy to clean. 

Matt finished making the bed and then the best of the dorm looked out of place. Grabbing one of the many 7-11 bags Matt had strewn about he started picking up trash. He wanted to text Ryan and ask where he was but that seemed weird. A pang of anxiety, insecurity, and fear went through Matt’s body as he finished picking up the trash around the dorm. He threw away the trash into a waste bin near the door and looked around. A small box with some cleaning supplies sat in the corner of the room and Matt made his way towards them. The act of cleaning the dorm calmed him down. 

Matt is trying to ignore the anxiety rising in this body and his heart rate, knowing that it can be paralyzing in the worst of situations. He didn’t do anything too bad, right? Probably just acted like a drunk asshole and bothered Ryan once he got home. That alternative didn’t make him feel super great either but at least it wouldn’t ruin the comfort and friendship he had achieved with Ryan so far. Matt finished wiping down the coffee table and desk, putting the items previously on there down in a way that looked nice. 

Matt started to sweep the small space and dump the dust into the waste bin. He looks around and begins to tidy up the rest of the dorm. This would make up for it right? This is a nice thing to do? What if Ryan didn’t like knowing that Matt was cleaning and moving around things? He moved to open the windows behind the desk. 

Matt leaned out the window and the faint smell of smoke was coming from below him. It reminded him of high school and his grandfather and he peered down from where it was coming from. Ryan was standing below the window smoking a cigarette that smelt almost a little bit like mint. Matt smiles down at him. He didn’t know Ryan smoked... he frowned as he realized he didn’t know that much about Ryan. Other than their matching sense of humor and interest. There was a pang in his chest he didn’t quite understand. Matt didn’t realize he was talking until he heard his own voice, damn anxiety. 

“Hey man, what’s up?” Matt leaned on his chin as he looked down at Ryan. Ryan jumped at the voice and looked up. Taking a drag of his cigarette as he did. Matt and Ryan made brief eye contact before Ryan looked back down at the ground and laughed his beautiful laugh. 

“I just got back, picked up a shift for one of my coworkers,” Ryan said, glancing up at Matt, “he called in sick.” He sounded more tired than usual and Matt noticed the way his shoulders slumped as he spoke. Matt frowned down at him and felt so, so bad. The anxious part of his mind told him he should retract and hide but his heart told him he should reach out and take care of Ryan. 

“Dude, I’m sorry for whatever dumb shit I did last night - in all honesty I can’t remember-“ Matt said sheepishly, Ryan looked up at him more softly and sustained the eye contact, “I need to take a shower, but if you order pizza I’ll pay you back, and we can watch any movie you want.” Matt grinned down at Ryan, trying to be as nice as he could. Ryan looked up at Matt and nodded. Matt beamed and held up a thumbs up down at him. 

“Whatever pizza you want, whatever movie you want, all on me! I’m gonna shower super quick and I’ll be back!” Matt could feel his body buzz at the idea of spending time with Ryan. 

“Ok dude, I’ll call it in now. I’m gonna have another,” Ryan said, smiling, holding up his cigarette to Matt, “and bring up the pizza.” Matt nodded enthusiastically and moved away from the window. On his way to the showers he took off his jeans, leaving just his boxers, and picked up his own toiletries set. He also grabbed a small white shirt and briefs. Matt didn’t usually wear anything this tight to relax and hang with friends, but it felt right...

As a last minute decision, he lit a flannel scented candle. He saw it in target while buying stuff for his dorm and it smelled so nice he couldn’t resist getting it. Matt made his way down the hall and into the shower. He turned on the water and looked in the mirror. Hopefully he looked less tired after the shower. He couldn’t help but smile the entire time he was washing his hair and body. Matt wanted to smell nice for Ryan, wanted to be clean for Ryan, he told himself it’s because of the guilt. It’s because of the guilt and anxiety. Matt nodded to himself in affirmation. 

___________________

Ryan called in a Hawaiian pizza and some cinnamon sticks with a soda. Work had been hell today, not because of the customers but because he was so distracted. He pulled another drag of his third cigarette as the delivery guy walked up. Ryan paid the guy in cash and left a hefty tip, flashing a smile at the handsome delivery guy before heading up. He wasn't afraid to admit when other guys were attractive - he also saw nothing wrong with fooling around with whoever was consenting and hot. It's just that Matt was his room mate and becoming his friend, that was different. 

Ryan left the pizza on the coffee table and looked around. He noticed that his bed was made as he had made Matt’s earlier. The entire dorm room was clean and a small candle was burning. The desk and coffee table had been organized. Matt had cleaned. It made his heart sink more. This was way beyond making out, bare skin, and grinding. Ryan felt his heart thumping and his body buzzing as he remembered last night. Knowing Matt couldn’t remember, Ryan’s face scrunched up. 

Ryan changed from his work uniform into some gym shorts and a sweatshirt before sitting down onto the couch. Scrolling through Netflix he tried to pick something and horror movies caught his eye. Maybe Matt would be scared? Wanna get close... Ryan felt bad about thinking that but his body felt drawn towards the decision. A movie called The Crow. He chose that, and grabbed his phone while waiting for Matt to get back. It had been awhile and Ryan wondered where he was. 

Just as he was lost in thought, Matt opened the door and slipped in. Smiling up at Ryan as he did. Ryan could feel his heart in his throat as soon as he looked up at Matt. His white shirt was clinging to the parts of his chest that were still wet, Ryan had saw his chest last night but it was dark, and his briefs were tighter than the underwear Matt unusually wore and the outline of his dick was very visible through them. 

“Sorry I took so long!” Matt quipped quickly as he made his way to the couch looking at the pizza box and then to the screen. “What did you order?” Matt said, wiping his glasses on his shirt before slipping them on again and making eye contact with Ryan. Ryan felt like he couldn’t talk properly but forced out a response. 

“Well, you said whatever I wanted so I got Hawaiian... hope you like pineapple on pizza.” Ryan said, his voice sounded too serious when he heard it. He tried to keep his eyes on Matt’s eyes instead of his chest. Matt nodded enthusiastically. 

“I’m always down to try something new.” Matt replied, while it wasn’t necessarily sexual Ryan wanted to hold his shoulders down and make out with him again. He tried to chase the thoughts from his mind and smirked at Matt. 

“I like horror movies, I hope you like them.” Ryan said as he clicked to play the movie, Matt opened the pizza box and picked up a slice. Ryan glanced over and saw a flash of doubt on Matt’s face before he nodded again. 

“Yeah, dude, whatever you want. I’m down” Matt said quietly. Ryan could feel his apprehension but a bad part of him wanted to see what happened. He wanted Matt to fall into his arms and find safety in them. It was a terrible want but his brain wasn’t exactly in charge right now. Ryan found his eyes back on Matt’s chest and his gaze slipped down to his right briefs again. The movie started and Ryan forced his eyes back to the screen. 

____________________

Ryan has Matt so close to him. They have since finished the pizza and the cinnamon sticks. The movie was getting toward its climax. A jump scare happened and Matt moved closer. Ryan’s mouth dried up and he glanced back down at Matt’s body. He had been really good at not doing that up to this point but he couldn’t help himself. Matt’s eyes met his and Ryan looked forward, embarrassed. 

“Ryan?” Matt asked, moving a little closer. Ryan hummed as he watched, “would you mind if I covered my eyes?” Matt said. Ryan laughed at the question. It wasn’t what he was expecting and none of his old friends would ever say that. 

“Yeah, dude, whatever.” Ryan laughed, moving his arm further up the couch. It wasn’t around Matt but it was over Matt. Matt hummed as the ending of the movie started. Matt covered his eyes when the scarier parts happened. Ryan felt a bit of apprehension but touched Matt’s hand when he knew a particularly scary part way coming up.

“It’s ok, this part isn’t too scary.” Ryan lied and felt Matt’s hand come down close to his thighs. The final jump scare happened and Matt moved so close that he was within Ryan’s arm. Ryan’s arm went down reflexively over Matt’s shoulder. Matt’s head went into his chest and he shook his head.

“You’re a dick, dude, I hate jump scares!” Matt exclaimed into Ryan’s shoulder. Ryan laughed to defuse the intimacy but it felt right. Matt in his arms and the warmth of his breath against his chest. When he was done laughing Ryan spoke again. He knew the movie was ending soon and the closeness would have to end soon. 

“I’m sorry, it’s just funny watching you squirm, pussy.” Ryan joked, distancing himself a little from the situation. Matt made a disgruntled sound of disapproval but leaned into Ryan more. 

“Fuck you.” Matt mumbled into Ryan’s chest. Ryan watched as the credits rolled and spoke again.

“It’s over, man, you can get off now.” Ryan said. Matt scrambled off him and sat up straight again. He almost looked scared and glanced up at Ryan as the credits kept going.

“Hey, I’m sorry for whatever I did. I don’t remember what happened but I know I’m a wreck when I’m drunk.” Matt said. Ryan considered telling him what actually happened but stopped himself. 

“It’s ok, we’re all stupid when we’re drunk. You just needed some help to bed and I didn’t want you to climb the ladder. Don’t sweat it.” Ryan smiled up at Matt and shut the TV off. The room was plunged into darkness. 

“Well, uh, thanks for helping me.” Matt said as he got up, sounding dejected, making his way up to his bunk. Ryan felt like he said something wrong.

“Hey dude, I’ll come home drunk one day and you’ll see me being dumb - I promise.” Ryan said as he made his way to the bottom bunk. He heard Matt giggle from the top bunk. 

“That’ll make us even.” Matt gushed. Ryan smiled and settled into the mattress. Ryan wanted to respond, wanted to say more, but it felt wrong. Just the foreignness of the situation, so he decided to stay quite. Ryan turned to his left side, attempting to keep the knowledge of last night and the intimacy of tonight out of his mind. The room smelled of pizza, sweet sweat, and flannel. Ryan's own bed smelled a little like Matt and it helped him fall asleep.


	6. _____ Myself to Sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt is trying to sleep when Ryan gets home late. Matt hears something he wasn't supposed to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are all so sweet, seriously! This has been really fun and helpful to write <3 so I'm glad you like reading it. This chapter gets a little smutty and I tried my best, it's never been my strong suit... I'm really excited to write more <3

Matt was attempting to focus on the emails and film analysis in front of him. He’d taken Ryan’s advice and started earlier, which was good, because this assignment was way longer than the last one. But something was drawing his mind away. He felt the phantom touch of Ryan’s arms around his shoulder from the other night as he worked. His kind eyes on him. The way heat blossomed in Matt’s chest when he laughed.

Speaking of, it was really late, usually Ryan was back to the dorm by now. Matt never found himself feeling tired before his roommate got home. It didn’t feel right, and Matt tried to ignore his muscles relaxing and his mind giving in to sleep. He had had about three fourths of this assignment left, but he just couldn’t work anymore. He was distracted, tired, and a little worried about Ryan’s whereabouts.  
  
Matt slipped off his sweatpants and put on a t-shirt before making his way up to the top bunk. The bed smelled a little like Ryan from the night before, and he curled into his second pillow, smiling into it. It felt kind of lonely, but also comforting. He wished Ryan was next to him. Matt had been... struggling with coming to terms with his sexuality for a while now. He hadn’t met anyone openly gay until he got to college, and it only confirmed some of the feelings he had been having while in high school. Girls were hot, guys were hot, and Matt’s a mess.   
  
But Matt never saw himself dating a guy or seriously acting on that attraction until he got close with Ryan. It wasn’t like normal crushes. Matt had no problem asking girls out and possibly making an ass of himself in the process, but Ryan... He was almost positive he was completely straight. And even if he wasn’t, Ryan had enough problems without adding a whiny boyfriend with anxiety to the mix. Matt grabbed on tighter to the pillow and shoved his face into it, hopelessly attempting to will himself to just relax and go to sleep. Fuck, he was so tired ten minutes ago. Stupid brain, stupid crush, stupid body...   
  
Then the door opened and it couldn’t be anyone but Ryan. Who else had a key... Ryan turned on the small lamp next to his bed, and Matt tried to peek from behind his pillow to get a look at him. Ryan was visible in the reflection of the mirror by the door; he was pulling his shirt off and slipping off his gym shorts. It wasn’t anything private, Matt told himself, Ryan was pretty comfortable studying and playing video games in his boxers; still, he felt a little bad for spying. He could just say hi and not be a creep, but Ryan never got home this late, so it didn’t feel like the right time. The bed shuffled as a weight settled into the bottom bunk. With the lamp light on, Matt could see a shadow of Ryan on the wall. He was holding what looked like a book.   
  
His presence in the room made Matt’s heart race and then slow. Ryan made him feel safe from the invisible dangers that anxiety made you see. Even if nothing scary was happening, Ryan seemed like he could handle anything. Matt watched the shadow of Ryan until his eyes got heavy. Then Ryan turned off the light, and the room was dark again. There was some shuffling, and then just the sound of their chests rising and falling.   
  
Then a different noise caught Matt’s attention. It wasn’t movement or breathing it was... like fabric being moved slowly. Matt got worried for a moment and wondered what it might be. Then the sound of a soft groan came from below him, and then a second, softer, more rhythmic sound. The noises, however quiet, filled the room and Matt felt his body warm up, realization hitting him.   
He really wished he could have just fallen asleep earlier. What did he do now though? Tell Ryan he had been awake this whole time or act like he just woke up? Either way, he’ll know Matt heard him and that would make things awkward. Ryan suppressed his moans, but his breathing between them was getting heavier. Matt wore a band tee and boxers to bed so it wouldn’t be super noticeable if he just... 

Then without much thought of the morality of it all, Matt slipped his almost completely hard dick out. Not stroking yet, but just enjoying the contact as he listened more earnestly. There was some rustling from the bunk below him, and then the sound of fabric falling to the floor. Then the stroking started to sound more slick and pronounced— and Ryan fully moaned. It was brief, but Matt’s dick twitched at the noise and he started to stroke. Matt felt his skin buzz and his whole body felt like it was on fire. He bit his lip to not make any noise, but he knew he wouldn’t last long. This wasn’t like watching porn, it felt real and different and electric. Also, he usually listened to women moaning and making noises like this, but when Ryan did it, it sounded more rough. It was so fucking hot.   
  
“Fuck.” Ryan groaned, getting a little louder, and Matt closed his eyes, his hand moving faster and the precum leaking from his dick helping him get closer. He wanted to tell Ryan to keep talking. Matt thought of Ryan chastising him for procrastinating and calling him his full name. How strong his arms were, his calloused hands, wrapped around him and jerking him off... Matt wished he was down there with Ryan, between his legs, making him make the noises he is now. He wondered how Ryan would sound saying his name with his fingers in Matt’s hair-   
  
“God, Matt.” Ryan moans and the bed shakes a little. Matt would have stopped to fully process what he heard, but he was really struggling to keep quiet now. Ryan seemed to have lost some control, and Matt could feel himself doing the same. The heat that had been pooling inside of him started to spill. He tries not to move too much and bites his lip as he cums. As his body relaxes, he tries to breathe evenly, keeping his movements muted. Then he hears Ryan get quiet, and finally lets himself go, groaning and breathing heavily.   
  
Matt’s mind reels and his heart is beating so hard he could hear it. Ryan said his name? What was Matt supposed to do with that?! Matt tried to calm himself down and shifted to hug his pillow again, trying to ignore how gross the cum and sweat was gonna feel tomorrow. He couldn’t get up now, obviously. Ryan flipped on his desk lamp again and got up to grab some tissues off the desk. Matt caught a glimpse of Ryan’s reflection in the mirror and he was... beautiful. Matt’s heart sank and he shut his eyes. 

Ryan was back in bed with the lights off, and soon enough, Matt was back to the state he’d been in before… all of that. He felt safe here with Ryan. Despite his mind moving a million miles a minute, the exhaustion of the day hit him, combined with how relaxed and warm his body was, and Matt finally found sleep. This was tomorrow Matt’s problem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it! I got a great editor now - dangerbirb! I have always been terrible at proofreading. And, I have to review code for my bootcamp so by the time I get to my own writing I'm sloppier at it. She's great, thank you dangerbirb :)


	7. When You Make Me Smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan's visit home falls through and Matt cheers him up. Waffle House, MBV, strong cute boys carrying strong cute boys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long to get out! I had a end of the semester report that ended up being 2k words with way too many sources. I tried to make this chapter longer and I'm going to keep trying to make them longer <3 you guys are so cool, thanks again for reading <3

Ryan was standing outside the dorm building. He felt stuffy and overdressed in his only button up, but his mom always appreciated it when he dressed up for home visits. He looked at his phone and then back up to the street, waiting to see his car pull up. Ryan had a license and a car but let his younger brother use it while he was away for school. They shared it during breaks and summers. He said he would pick Ryan up this afternoon, but he was late. Ryan considered lighting up a cigarette while waiting, but didn’t wanna smell like smoke at home. Then his phone rang; it was his brother. 

“Hey man, where you at?” Ryan said, trying to resist the annoyance sneaking into his voice. He had a feeling this wouldn’t be a request for directions. 

“Ryan! I’m so sorry, but Mom got called into a night shift and won’t be home till tomorrow. If you’d be able to come then, then-“

“I already got off work and told my professor I wouldn’t be in class, Eli, I don’t know if I can...” Ryan said, rubbing his temples. He reached into his pocket to grab his pack of cigs. 

“Ok, I get that, we're both really sorry. I’m sure Mom will call you tomorrow morning.” 

“I look forward to it.” Ryan said. He grabbed a cigarette with his teeth and took out his lighter. “Don’t be sorry. I love you guys, and I get it, I do.” He mumbled around the butt end of his smoke. 

“Yeah, we love you too. We’ll see you soon.” 

“Take care of Mom for me.” Ryan said warmly. He clicked his phone off and put it back in his pocket before lighting his cigarette. He was disappointed and felt even more out of place now. Then he saw Matt walking towards the building with a smile. Ryan waved with his free hand. 

“Dude! I got something to show you!” Matt shouted, holding up something as he quickened his pace. Ryan blushed a little, Matt was so cute. He didn’t even feel bad about thinking that anymore. Matt’s just cute, he isn’t super sexy or beautiful or anything like that. 

Matt stopped in front of Ryan, looking him up and down, and Ryan did the same. Matt was wearing black skinny jeans and a 'My Bloody Valentine' shirt that looked like it hadn’t fit properly in years. His face was a little flush and he was smirking. Not sexy at all... Nope. Ryan pulled another drag of his cigarette. 

“What’s with the church clothes, man?” Matt asked, raising an eyebrow. Ryan rolled his eyes, trying not to take the comment to heart. 

“You’re one to talk, do you know when to get rid of clothes, dude? Your happy trail’s showing.” Ryan said, taking another drag. He was almost done with this one; he considered lighting another. Matt looked down at his outfit and he blushed. There was a beat of silence between them and then Ryan laughed. 

“Dude, I’m fucking with you, don’t cry about it.” Ryan said. Matt relaxed and smiled at him again. He raised the camera in his hand up and clicked it on, lifting his glasses up before bringing it up to his face. 

“You shouldn’t smoke, Ry, it’s bad for you.” Matt teased. Ryan took a really long drag and exhaled through his nose. He shot a withered look up at the camera. Matt shuffled a little. 

“I know, I’m just not in the best mood.” Ryan admitted. 

Matt put down the camera and looked at him with concern in his eyes. He walked over until they were almost too close, giving Ryan a particularly good view of Matt’s blue irises. He felt his face get a little warm. 

“I’m sorry about the camera... I just rented it, excited about it; are you okay, dude?” Matt asked, smiling softly. Ryan felt like the air was too tight, as if he was in a stuffy room. He decided to let Matt in a little bit more. 

“It’s not a big deal, I was gonna see my family today but it didn’t work out. Cigarettes make me feel better, that’s all there is to it.” Ryan said, feeling bad about the smoke now that Matt was close. He put the cig out on the bottom of his shoe before putting the butt in the pack again, then shuffled back a little, looking at his feet. He didn’t want to meet Matt’s gaze again. There was a beat of silence between them and Ryan felt... too exposed. 

“How about you help me film some b-roll and keep me company instead?” Matt offered. He looked empathetic to the situation and pursed his lips together. Ryan nodded. 

“Can I change first?” Ryan asked. Matt shook his head in response, looking a little devious. 

“Sorry man, we’re losing daylight.” Matt said. 

“It’s noon, Matthew...” Ryan said, but Matt was already walking away. Ryan scoffed but followed suit. He deserved some fun today. 

________________

Matt looked at Ryan across from him. He looked really cute in his button up, and he was eating waffles with scrambled eggs. Matt felt a little weird about his shirt even after spending all day in it, but dammit - My Bloody Valentine hasn’t released music in years and he refused to move on. Somehow they’d ended up at Waffle House to get breakfast for dinner after filming all day. Matt wasn’t really filming a lot, he just thought Ryan’s commentary was hilarious.

Then Matt realized he wasn’t eating his own food. He took a bite, but then the silence felt weird, so he started talking without thinking. 

“Hey, Ryan.” Matt said, looking up at Ryan and locking eyes with him.  
Those sweet brown eyes… Matt couldn’t help thinking. Ryan nodded in a ‘go ahead’ motion. 

“I’m... sorry about visiting your family not working out- but I had a really fun time today.” Matt smiled and then remembered he hadn’t swallowed his food yet; his hand reached to cover his mouth. Ryan laughed. 

“Dude, don’t worry about it, you worry too much. Thanks for distracting me today.” Ryan said, going back to eating. Matt swallowed and tried to not think about the other night. He felt like he should tell Ryan, but it didn’t feel like the right time. He wasn’t sure it would ever feel like the right time. He felt like a creep. 

“Ryan uh...” Matt said, trying to think of something fun and light. “Odds are you get the waitress’s number.” 

“Odds are?” Ryan asked, looking confused. Matt smirked. 

“Out of ten, say a number, if we say the same number at the same time you have to get her number. If we don’t then just forget about it.” Matt explained. Eyeing Ryan, Ryan looked back deviously. 

“How about, if we don’t say the same number you have to.” Ryan said, only pausing for a moment before he continued. “Ready, let’s go,”  
“three, two, one-”  
“Eight.” They spoke in unison.  
Matt celebrated, drumming his hands on the table and Ryan rolled his eyes. The waitress walked up. She was really cute, she had box braids and a bright smile. 

“You guys still doing ok?” She asked, pouring more coffee into their empty mugs. Ryan looked a little awkward, giving Matt a nasty look before answering for them. 

“Yeah we are, how are you,” Ryan leaned forward a little to look at her name tag, “Jamie?” The girl eyed him and chuckled. 

“I’m doing alright tonight...” Jamie said, leaning forward towards Ryan. Ryan smirked up at her and Matt couldn’t deny that he looked charming. 

“Ryan, my name’s Ryan.” He said, his voice getting a little deeper. Matt felt his cheeks heating up, fuck, this wasn’t the point. He didn’t feel jealous but... envious. It reminded Matt of Ryan’s rough voice when he was explaining something to Matt or... the other night. Jamie smirked back, putting her free hand on the booth behind Ryan. 

“Well, Ryan, I just got sat but you call me if you and your friend here need anything else, ok?” Jamie said sweetly before sauntering away. Ryan nodded, then glanced over at Matt. Matt rolled his eyes. 

“Rejected, that was hard to watch.” Matt said, looking at Ryan, who was putting creamer into his fresh coffee. Ryan narrowed his eyes at him and shrugged. 

“It’s been awhile man, I’m rusty, I don’t go out a lot.” Ryan said. He didn’t sound offended but more serious. Matt smiled at him. Looking up at the waitress who was pointing over to their booth and talking to another girl at the bar. 

“Well, I would have swooned.” Matt said quietly. Ryan’s nose scrunched up but his face got a little pink. 

“That’s pretty gay, man.” Ryan joked, and Matt hit his shoulder a little harder than he meant to in response. Ryan looked at him with mock shock.

“I’m just trying to make you feel better, dick.” Matt explained, taking a sip of his coffee before remembering it didn’t have exactly nine sugar packets in it. He made a face as he grabbed said packets. Emptying them in one by one. Ryan watched him as he went through them all and then stirred the coffee. 

“Jesus, Matt, and you wonder why you’re so jumpy all the time.” Ryan actually looked concerned. Matt scoffed and took a drink of it— a perfect coffee. 

“Can’t beat the taste of cheap diner coffee full of sugar, Ry.” Matt said, leaning back into the booth. 

“Hey, I’m the one that makes that cheap diner coffee.” Jamie said with a giggle, she had a hand on one hip and a slice of pie in the other. She placed it down in front of Ryan. “Hope you like pecan, handsome.” She winked and walked off. Ryan raised his eyebrows and nodded to Matt. 

“Less rusty than I thought... I didn’t even say anything that flirty.” He looked genuinely confused, and Matt wondered if he knew how cute he actually was. 

“It’s the way you said it.” Matt mumbled as Ryan started digging into the pie, looking pretty smug. He grabbed at a piece of paper under the plate and held it up for Matt to see. A phone number. Matt rolled his eyes. 

“Whatever, man...” He said. Ryan’s brow furrowed as he shoved another piece of pie into his mouth. He pushed it to the center of the table and placed an extra fork on the plate. Matt shook his head and pushed it back with a smile. He hoped it looked more genuine than it felt. 

“Whatever, dude, if you got her number you’d be rubbing it in my face.” Ryan said a little louder. Matt probably would... he couldn’t deny that. So instead he went back to eating. 

__________________

The pair were walking back to their dorm and the walk seemed so much longer with Matt being more quiet. Ryan was really worried he’d said something wrong and didn’t know how to address it, but at this point the silence and half-hearted responses were really weighing on him. 

“Matt I don’t have to call her. I mean she’s really pretty and all, but I’m too busy for dates.” Ryan said, and then realized the way he said it... what the fuck?! That’s so serious. God, that is not a very friend thing to say. He figured the waitress probably wasn't what Matt’s being weird about, but then he saw him smile a little out of the corner of his eye. Was it...? 

When Matt turned to him he was trying to act casual. Ryan could tell because Matt sucked at acting casual... seriously, even little dumb stuff affected him. Ryan thought it was sweet that Matt cared about things so much, though. 

“Dude... what...? Do whatever you want. I’m just bummed I can’t get any of the chicks in my classes to go out with me.” Matt said, and it was really clear that that wasn’t it, but he seemed happier now. So Ryan went along with it, pinching Matt’s side a little as he pulled on his shirt. Matt jumped and tried to suppress a giggle.

“RYAN! Don’t do that. I’m super fucking ticklish.” Matt said, his cheeks looking flushed under the street lights. Ryan laughed at his reaction and continued to do so as he explained. 

“Hehe- Sorry Matty, I was just gonna say chicks probably think you’re not buying what they’re selling in an outfit like this.” 

Ryan filed away Matt being ‘super fucking ticklish’ for later. He would try to restrain himself to only doing it when Matt was bugging him. Matt huffed and pushed his glasses back up; they’d fallen a little when he jumped. 

“Whatever, Ry, at least I don’t dress like a stoner who pretends to work out.” Matt said. He went to grab something on Ryan’s outfit, but realized he was wearing the button up and jeans still. “...I mean... you wear gym shorts and sweatshirts like every day, dude.” Ryan smirked at him. Now this felt more like flirting, and Ryan wasn’t as afraid of it as he usually was. After spending the whole day together he just felt... comfortable with Matt. 

“I work out, I don’t just look like I do.” Ryan tried to make his voice sound a little deeper and rougher. Matt’s eyes got a little wider and he was blushing when he looked down at Ryan. Ryan moved a little closer to Matt. Matt looked down at the ground again, seeming uncomfortable. Oh shit, maybe he shouldn’t have done that. Before Ryan could think too hard about it Matt piped up. 

“Prove it, Magee.” Matt said, smirking at Ryan. Matt had a lot of attitude for looking like he weighed 110 pounds soaking wet. Ryan rolled his eyes and stepped away from Matt, trying to surprise him. Matt looked confused. 

“What are we in third grade, dude, I don’t have to-“ Ryan started and then cut himself off by grabbing Matt and putting him over his shoulder, faking him out. He was heavier than Ryan expected but nothing he couldn’t handle. Matt yelped and grabbed onto Ryan’s back, clinging as much as he could. 

“RYAN!” He screamed and then it became a giggle. Ryan saw the sign pointing them towards their dorm building and decided to carry him all the way. He brought his free hand up and smacked Matt’s ass as a little. Not as hard as he wished he could, just teasing him. 

“Who works out now, bitch!” Ryan said, and Matt’s giggling got a little breathier. Ryan saw him cross his ankles over one another. 

“T-this is embarrassing.” Matt whined but wasn’t struggling at all and he didn’t seem serious, so Ryan kept walking forward. He passed a few students and waved at them with a smile. They walked away a little quicker. “Ugh! Put me down.” 

“Not until you tell me I’m tough as fuck and you’re a pussy.” Ryan stated plainly, adjusting his grip on Matt. Matt got quiet for a second and Ryan was afraid he had taken this a little too far. Maybe they weren’t this close yet. Ass slapping close... when Matt spoke again his voice was a little tighter. 

“Do I have to?” He asked and Ryan wondered if he meant to sound like a tease. Ryan felt his face get a little hot, and he picked up his pace a little, laughing off how he was feeling. He saw their building in the distance. 

“Sorry, Matty, dems the rules.” Ryan said, and punctuated it with a very small smack. Matt yelped again. Then he used the hand he had around Matt’s chest to tickle him a little. Matt writhed around as he laughed, trying to speak before laughing again. Ryan only stopped because it was getting kinda hard to keep up with Matt struggling over his shoulder. Wouldn’t be great if he dropped him... 

“THEY’RE YOUR FUCKING RULES!” Matt shouted, and started struggling more, hitting Ryan’s back and kicking around. Ryan winced at the volume and was having a harder time keeping Matt on his shoulder with him moving so much. 

“God, dude, you’re gonna make me deaf, fine!” Ryan said, putting his free hand on the back of Matt’s knees to get him to stop kicking before gently putting Matt down. He saw how red his face was as he pushed his glasses up again, and Ryan couldn’t help but laugh. Matt tried to look offended, but broke and started laughing too. Ryan hit his shoulder lightly. 

“Sorry, man, you’re just so easy to mess with.” Ryan admitted and started walking again. Matt scoffed and followed him, mumbling something. 

“What’s that?” Ryan said, and Matt put a hand on his shoulder. 

“Bet I can beat you to the room.” Matt said and started running towards the stairs. Ryan couldn’t help but be childish and competitive, running after him. They were right outside their dorm block now. 

“YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE THE KEYS!” Ryan shouted, as Matt got too far ahead for him to catch up. Damn those legs. Soon he disappeared inside the door and Ryan went back to walking. He was already a little winded from the lifting, and now from running. Ryan watched from the street as a light turned on where their dorm was. Ryan could vaguely make out Matt changing in the window. Hm, guess he left the door unlocked. He stopped outside the window and went to grab a cigarette. Before he could light it the window opened above him. 

“Hey loser, you better not light that.” Matt was breathing a little harder than usual as he said it. Ryan looked up at him and he was shirtless, leveling a serious look Ryan’s way. Ryan made eye contact with him as he raised the lighter up, raising his eyebrows mockingly. Matt threw the shirt he had on before down at him in response, and Ryan grabbed it with his free hand. It smelled like sweat and Matt’s deodorant... which smelled better than Ryan wanted to admit. 

“I’m serious, get your ass up here and play Animal Crossing with me.” Matt said, and Ryan put the shirt under his arm before putting the cigarette back in the pack, making a ‘there, you happy?’ gesture up at Matt. 

“Very.” Matt said before shutting the window again. The warmth in Ryan’s chest that had been present since Matt found him earlier was so relaxing; he guessed he didn’t need the vice, at least for tonight. He looked up at the stars and sighed contentedly. Maybe for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a) matt has great music taste, I've been listening to his spotify playlist while working this week - so he's gonna have a lot of band merch in this  
> b) I asked my girlfriend out while she was working at my favorite thai place in town, and i am a worse flirt than I wrote ryan. I just loudly stuttered out "d-do you have an instagram? can I have it?" -.-  
> c) I need some strong boys to pick me up by this time next month... it makes me so happy 
> 
> Thanks for reading guys! Next few chapters are... angstier, spicier, woooo.


	8. Disconnect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt meets someone at a bar, sometimes we have chemical imbalances, and Ryan is very protective of his friend...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGERS: pill usage, dissociation, and dubious consent. The entire chapter kind of deals with or talks about these things so I'm gonna put a CRWH (couldn't read what happened) in the end notes. I dissociate pretty easily due to my anxiety so I get if reading about it triggers that. 
> 
> This chapter was super helpful to write for me :) I hope you guys like it! Here is a link to a playlist I made of my favorite songs off Matt's playlist(s)//the more romantic ones//is what I imagine he is playing in the car: 
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/user/slutsheart/playlist/5ja05c6Hj0JKEDQ9DRXS0d?si=z7ZjuDSiQE-_3ZcVFhKs1Q 
> 
> He's @matt all lowercase on Spotify btw. I have access to his patreon playlists too tho because I love supporting the boys!

Matt liked the feeling of grinding down onto a hard dick. The resistance he met from the denim worn by the man under him only spurred him on more. He also didn’t entirely feel like himself right now; he’d taken more of his Adderall than his psychiatrist would ever approve of, as well as one too many cocktails— which is a big no-no with pills. To be fair, Matt had not planned on going out after finishing the project he had taken said extra medication to finish.

Tucker had roped him into it; they ended up at a gay bar. At first it felt weird, but then a guy who was a bit taller than Matt approached him. He had broad shoulders, a disarming smile, and looked to be twice Matt's age. It took Matt some drinks to warm up to him, but now he was under Matt stifling moans. Matt was doing the same. They were on the couch, much to the older man’s protests, but having gay sex on Ryan’s bed was for sure not ok. 

Matt continued grinding, but things started to get messy as a strong hand found its way to his throat. The man’s name was James, and James was currently pressing his thumb down on Matt’s windpipe. Matt could barely breathe, and he felt like he was swimming. His dick was struggling against his jeans, so he shifted to release the pressure as he struggled to moan. 

Matt never thought he’d be fucking a guy like this, but it felt… Right... It fulfilled a deep need he’d been feeling for a while. He knew it was wrong to imagine other people while fucking someone, but he wondered how Ryan would feel underneath him. Matt stood up quickly, and slipped off his jeans. It was dark in the room, with the full moonlight from outside being the only light. Nothing felt real and the blue light made the dorm look alien. James slapped Matt’s ass hard after he stripped down to nothing, bringing him back to the moment.

Matt yelped. The feeling reminded him of the other week when Ryan carried him; Matt had had to try not to get riled up being over Ryan’s shoulder and feeling so small. He would have loved being carried all the way back to the dorm but knew his… feelings would have only gotten more apparent. Ever since that day, Ryan had been more open with Matt. He really liked messing with Matt by spanking him, playing with his hair while Matt was working, getting on top of him and tickling him. Ryan obviously did it to get a reaction from Matt, but it just made him more and more frustrated. Maybe that’s what led him here with this man instead of the one he really wanted. 

James grabbed Matt’s arm and pulled him down roughly into his lap again. His head got fuzzy from the sudden movement and his skin tingled when he felt the bigger man’s dick against his ass. Then a pair of rough hands grabbed him hard. James slapped him then, and it stung. Matt felt small tears fall on his cheeks. Matt wishes he didn’t like the pain, but he did. He dipped down to suck lightly at James’s neck before whispering into his ear. 

“Can you talk to me... Humiliate me?” Matt asked. His body felt hot already, but his request made it worse; he was rutting against James's thigh without fully processing it. The medication in his system was keeping him needy and inhibition-less, making him do what his body wanted— needed. There was a grunt of approval from under Matt, and then James's hand was teasing at Matt’s erection. His breath got caught in his throat when the dirty talk started. 

“You’re such a whore, but you know that, don’t you? Walking into a gay bar with a mouth like that...” The man had a slight Carolinan accent, and the words made his state of need even more desperate. Ryan came to mind again. He wondered what sounds Ryan would make if Matt let him fuck his face. Matt would be so good for him. 

“Your lips look perfect for taking a cock, but I think I’d rather fuck that cute little ass of yours.” Matt felt James pulling at the elastic of his boxers and felt his dick twitch, but at the thought of Ryan fucking him. Face shoved into a pillow and bed rocking with the movement... Matt shook his head gently and pulled back to look at James. 

“I’ve never done that before…” Matt said breathily, earning another slap against his ass and a groan from the older man. He looked hungrier than before. 

“You better be careful who you say that to... Nothing’s hotter than holding a virgin down and fucking them hard.” James growled, and grabbed Matt’s throat again. It was tighter this time, and Matt had the feeling he might have said the wrong thing. Suddenly, he became very aware of how skinny he was. Hell, Ryan wasn’t as tall as this guy and he could pick Matt up with ease. Matt felt James pulling his boxers down his thighs. “Slutty twinks like you get so loud, too.” 

Matt shifted, the alcohol in his veins fighting hard against the panic swelling in his chest. Instead of responding, he clambered down to get on his knees. James was in gray sweatpants and Matt could make out the outline of his bulge. He tried to tease the bigger man out of his previous train of thought, mouthing at the outline of his dick slightly and then pulling back to look up. 

“Well, nobody’s cum down my throat before either…” Matt said softly, the nervousness in his voice real. He hadn’t done anything like this with a guy before. He had never even kissed a guy before. James pulled Matt back hard by his hair while he pulled his dick out. Matt opened his mouth and was guided towards the tip of James’s dick. He wrapped one hand around the base and put another on James’s thigh to steady himself. James's grip on Matt’s hair tightened and he started pushing Matt onto himself faster than he would ever thrust in a different situation. 

Matt imagined his first time sucking dick would feel different… and he didn’t think it would be in the dark in a dorm with a stranger he met hours earlier. Matt was thankful that his gag reflex wasn’t bad, and found the weight in his mouth comforting. It made Matt feel useful and wanted. Something he felt very rarely. Then the larger man began rutting up into Matt’s mouth slowly, hitting the back of Matt’s throat; Matt was gagging a little trying to take it. He was focused on doing the best he could, and ignored the tears running down his cheeks. They started falling more freely as James picked up the speed. 

“No way this is your - uh fuck - first time doing this, baby.” James moaned, fully fucking Matt’s face now. He imagined Ryan praising him the same way and moaned needily at the thought. The moan sounded broken and horse after the abuse to Matt’s throat. Sweat and tears were running down Matt’s face, and the medication made the pain feel amazing. His knees and throat were screaming at him to stop. It was overwhelming and something about it all triggered him to dissociate— Everything melted away. James, Ryan, the night, the room, everything. Pain and emotion too. His thoughts started melting together like hot crayons. 

"So you like praise? Well, be a good boy and swallow." The words echoed around Matt's head and he did as he was told. Not sure what else to do. Then his mouth tasted warm and salty. Matt was pulled out of his warm daze by his hair, there was the distant sensation of something dripping from his mouth onto his thigh. 

It felt like he was transported, and was suddenly laying down. His own moans and mewling echoed around the space he now occupied. Wherever that was. There were hands in his hair, on his dick, and a heavy presence around him but Matt couldn’t remember why. There was a growl echoing around and then a command. 

“Cum for me.” 

Matt couldn’t place if he felt close enough and then a wave of pleasure radiated around him. His hands shot up in response and found skin, it felt cold and numb but it was there. He felt his lips forming words as his orgasm sent shock waves through his body. Matt couldn’t hear what had slipped out, though. The afterglow reinvigorated the tingling the pills caused in his body. It helped Matt get back on track to feeling again. Instead of in a void, he was now in a dream-like state. Nothing felt real, but it was there. Looking around the room, it was blue and blurry. Matt grabbed at his face and found it wet with something. 

In the cold space around him, his half-formed thoughts and muted emotions floated about, and he tried to catch them. He did want his glasses, and he did feel too exposed. Matt felt around and his fingers felt something large and soft. Then it was around him. The warmth smelled faintly of cigarettes, sweat, and musk. Matt found something that felt like pants and stood shakily to slip them on. The air moved like water around him as he did. 

"Do you know where my glasses are?" The question reverberated off the walls and Matt heard a very strained, meek voice come back. Then something hit his chest, and he heard it hit the floor. He bent down and slipped on his glasses. The room was a bit more defined now. Matt stumbled over to the larger man who was now moving towards the door. Touch always helped bring Matt back to reality, and he reached out to grab his arm. 

The door was cracked open and the man stopped. Everything was moving very slowly and the air was heavy. The light streaming in from the hallway made Matt’s brain distantly shout at him. He tried to find his voice and speak but it wasn’t sounding right. 

“Could you walk me downstairs, I need air.” Matt felt like he was slurring, and screwed his eyes shut, moving closer and grabbing harder to the man’s arm. He heard a soft grunt, and then everything was way too bright. It was too much. Matt blindly let the man lead him as he buried his head into his shoulder, trying not to trip over his own steps. 

Then the air was cold and it was dark again. Matt moved back and blinked as he looked around. It’s too fast now, it’s so much, the world is too big. Then someone else’s hand was on his shoulder, pulling him back. Matt stumbled a little, and the touch moved further south to his waist, holding him steady. 

The touch felt familiar, and brought Matt back to reality a little more. Step by step, he thought to himself. Matt blinked as the noises and space around him morphed into voices, the conversation taking place finally registering. 

“Who’re you, man?” It was Ryan's voice. Matt looked down at him and tried to smile. He wanted to explain but couldn’t find the right words in the brain fuzz. 

“Didn’t know he had a boyfriend man, your relationship ain’t my problem.” The same voice from the bar tonight. The older man was standing in front of them. Matt smelled smoke then and saw that Ryan was gesturing towards him with a cigarette in his hands. 

“What’s that supposed to mean? What did you do to him?” Ryan’s jaw was tight and Matt didn’t like where this was going. The other guy stepped forward and Matt’s panic fought against his haze within his body. 

“Nothing he didn’t ask for, kid.” The larger man gritted out and narrowed his eyes at Ryan. Matt felt his mouth speaking before he knew what he was going to say. 

“Ryan, don’t get angry. I can explain.” Matt’s voice was soft as he nodded down at Ryan. Ryan finally looked up at him then; he looked angry, but his face softened after they looked at each other for a beat. There was a scoff from… James. Yes, that’s his name. Matt was coming down more now. 

“That’s rich, pick up guys in bars and scream your boyfriend's name. Fucking hell.” Matt’s face got hot. He was glad that Ryan looked back at the guy, because he didn’t think he could look anyone in the eyes after that. Fuck. 

“I’m gonna kick your ass if you don’t get the fuck out of my sight, man.” Ryan wasn’t shouting but he’d raised his voice, angrier than before. He flicked the still lit cigarette he was smoking before in the guy's direction. Matt looked up at him too. James glared at him. There was a tense, silent moment before Ryan pulled his hair up and began to step forward. The older man put his hands up in resignation and stepped back some more. 

“Ain’t my fault he’s a slut.” James spat out before turning around and walking away, quickly. Ryan scoffed and turned back to Matt. Matt was still feeling a little… Off… But Ryan’s presence helped a lot. His cheeks were still burning.

“Sorry I shouted, probably doesn’t help. That guy just… didn’t seem good.” Ryan said. Matt shrugged and smiled at him sheepishly. He reached out to grab Ryan’s arm, and Ryan didn’t seem annoyed, so he held on tighter. 

“I’m sorry, I’m kinda out of it. Touch always helps bring me back to reality.” Matt explained, and his voice sounded really ragged; his throat hurt a lot. Ryan smiled and pulled Matt back into his side, Matt leaning into the affection more. He hummed happily. Ryan went to grab another cigarette, but then stopped himself. 

“The smell will help too, Ry. Go for it.” Matt said, watching intently as Ryan grabbed one with his teeth and fished his lighter out of his pocket. He looked so beautiful tonight. Matt worried it would be the last time Ryan would feel comfortable with him again after all of this. 

“Sorry, it’ll help me calm down - kinda riled up.” Ryan mumbled after taking a drag. Matt giggled and Ryan glanced up to look up at him. Matt met his gaze and felt his face heating up again. It had to be super obvious he was blushing. 

“You were so ready for a fight, my hero.” Matt cooed mockingly down at him. Ryan laughed and shook his head. Matt giggled again. It was nice to joke for a moment before they got serious again. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Ryan asked, looking genuinely curious. Matt looked up at the sky and debated it. He was still kinda fuzzy on the details, the beginning of the night being less so. Matt decided to start there and nodded down at Ryan. 

“Can’t totally… recall the end part, but I remember Tucker and I going to this bar not too far from campus. I got some drinks, but they must have not mixed well with my meds.” Matt explained. The look of concern on Ryan’s face only intensified as the story continued. “I… do you hate me now?” 

“Why would I hate you, Matt?” Ryan asked softly. Matt pursed his lips and shrugged again. 

“I’m not straight.” Matt whispered. He had never said it out loud before. “I mean, that was the first time I’ve ever even kissed a guy let alone… all the other stuff, but I know for sure now.” Ryan got a really weird look in his eyes and his brow furrowed. He looked at the ground and took another drag, letting the smoke out of his nose before speaking. 

“First… time?” Ryan asked, that weird look in his eyes still. Matt wondered why he was lingering on that. He didn’t seem angry about Matt being into guys, though, which was a relief. Matt frowned and nodded. 

“Wasn’t as romantic as I’d hoped but that's what I get for going home with the first guy who calls me pretty.” Matt tried to laugh at his own self deprecating joke, but it was too real. Ryan sighed heavily and was quiet too long for Matt’s liking. 

“You being out of it, is that why you can’t remember the end?” Ryan asked finally, a dangerous edge to his voice. Matt knew the end of this conversation would be Ryan wanting to know why Matt said his name. He dreaded the end of this conversation. 

“I get dissociative sometimes, it sucks. It’s usually triggered by being overstimulated.” Matt explained. Ryan ran his hand up and down Matt’s waist lightly. He blushed again and shivered at the contact. 

“Does that help?” Ryan asked in a slightly deeper tone. Matt nodded quickly, and bit his lip without thinking. Time seemed to slow down again, and the world got small, but in a good way. Matt was just in this moment with Ryan looking up at him with so much kindness. “You said the smoke helps, does anything else?” Matt thought back to what his therapist said. 

“Food and music. I got this one playlist I’m really into right now.” Matt said, and Ryan removed his hand from his waist. Matt missed the contact, but then heard the jangling of keys. Ryan held a pair up. 

“My brother brought my car up this morning, let’s go get a burger or something. I got an aux cord.” Ryan said. 

“Way to flex on me with your aux cord, dude.” Matt said, smirking. Ryan snorted and rolled his eyes, putting his cigarette out before holding a hand out to Matt. Matt grabbed it and let Ryan lead him. 

“You look cute in my clothes, Watson.” Ryan said and Matt looked down. He was wearing Ryan’s gym shorts and a black sweatshirt he wore all the time. Fuck. 

_____________________

Ryan was attempting to channel all the jealousy and anger in his body into care and compassion; at least while Matt seemed so vulnerable. He was next to Ryan, singing along softly to a grunge song. Matt had a nice singing voice, he would sing quietly while working on projects in the dorm too. Tonight, he sounded pretty rough and off, though. 

Matt was swimming in his clothes, and somehow positioned his body so his head was laying on the console between the two seats. His legs were tangled on each other to be able to fit. Ryan chuckled at him, he looked so much happier now compared to when he had first seen him outside earlier. Ryan gnawed on his bottom lip and tried to stop from prodding further as he thought about it. 

Ryan had noticed the two of them once they had reached the bottom of the entrance, the guy pulling Matt off his arm. He had clearly been crying, his lips were really pink, and his eyes were sorta glazed over. Ryan didn’t even think twice about intervening and grabbing Matt away from the stranger. He looked old enough to be one of Matt’s professors. Ryan could care less about how the rest of the conversation went down, as long as he left Matt alone. 

Ryan was trying to keep his mind off of two very key things he had learned, though. He stopped at a red light before glancing down at Matt. The next song, which he seemed to know every lyric to, was about dreams. Matt glanced up at Ryan and sang at him softly. 

“You’re everything I need… to bear this fear…” 

Ryan blushed and looked ahead again. 

“That’s pretty gay, dude.” Ryan joked, remembering that Matt thought Ryan would hate him for not being straight. Jesus. Did he seem like that kind of guy…? 

Matt giggled before going back to singing, skipping to a different song that sounded even more lo-fi and trippy. He had obviously taken a lot of his medication and was still a little out of it, because Matt was usually a ball of anxious energy and ranting. 

“Will you play with my hair, Ry?” Matt asked sweetly. Ryan nodded and started threading his fingers through his head gently. Matt hummed and closed his eyes. Ryan drove again as the light turned green, the thoughts he was trying to avoid making their way to his mind again.

Ryan felt like he should tell Matt they made out. Especially now that he knows that was the first time he had kissed a guy, ever. Ryan’s cheeks got hot as he thought about it. He should tell him now, while Matt was calm. He was always worried Matt would panic and act weird about it if he told him.

“Matt, I wanna tell you something.” Ryan said, keeping his eyes on the road and his hand in Matt’s hair. Matt made an ‘uh huh’ sort of noise. 

“I think I was the first guy you kissed, that night you were really drunk.” Ryan admitted, looking ahead still, and he felt Matt freeze under his hand. He went completely silent. Ryan was pretty close to their dorm building now. Ryan kept his hand in Matt’s hair so he would know he wasn’t mad about it, or pushing him away. 

“Did you… like it?” Matt asked very quietly. There was a tense silence between the two of them as Ryan considered what to say. He did, yeah. Matt had apparently said his name in bed which was… too much to handle right now. 

“I mean, yeah.” Ryan said, voice wavering a little. Matt was quiet again and Ryan turned into a parking space. Putting the car in park but not turning it off, he turned to Matt. Matt moved so he was sitting up, and leaned closer to Ryan. He looked to Ryan’s lips. 

“Can I kiss you again?” Matt asked softly, biting his bottom lip a little. Ryan leaned forward and kissed Matt on the cheek. 

“Ask me again tomorrow.” He whispered and Matt huffed. Ryan turned off his car and the music stopped. They got out of the car and Matt grabbed onto Ryan’s arm as they walked towards the building. He was grinning down at Ryan with adoration in his eyes. 

Ryan didn’t want to overthink this anymore, but also wanted to kiss a fully rested, sober, and down to earth Matt. Who knows, maybe Matt only kissed guys when he wasn’t sober. The thought sent a stab of pain through Ryan’s chest. He hadn’t been this into anyone in a while, and now it seemed possible with Matt. 

Matt leaned down and kissed Ryan’s forehead. 

“I will, I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CRWH: Matt goes out after taking too much of his medication and drinks too. Matt has sex with an older stranger, things get overstimulating and he dissociates. After, they run into Ryan walking outside and Ryan and the guy talk. They go to get food and talk on the drive back. Ryan tells Matt he kissed him. 
> 
> Thx 4 reading u babes!! Follow me on Spotify if you want, I have a lot of playlists... I think they're p OK and I love making them <3


	9. A Heart’s A Heavy Burden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt wakes up to a sweet note from Ryan. Tries to remember the night before and cleans in the process. An anxiety attack ensues and Ryan has some of his own fears validated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: I describe an anxiety attack for a good portion of this and there are mentions of Daniel towards the end from Ryan's POV. They aren't as explicit as the anxiety attack but a fear of abandonment(?) is talked about. If any of that triggers you I am sorry you can't read the chapter but I wanted to warn you. 
> 
> Also sorry it took so long to post the chapter, schools coming to an end and I got hired back at my old job as a prep cook. It's been nice to get out of the house and my own head.

Matt opened his eyes suddenly when the door to their dorm was closed loudly. He could feel a headache coming on, and his vision was blurry. A silent “fuck” came from behind the now closed door, and then footsteps walking away; it was Ryan’s muffled voice. He probably didn’t mean to wake Matt up. Matt smiled at his concerned voice as he sat up in Ryan’s bunk. His smile turned into a wince as he noticed the various pains in his body. He took stock of them as he turned to grab his glasses off of Ryan’s side table. Matt’s neck and knees felt bruised, his headache was now in full effect, and it was hard to sit down. Matt wasn’t super clear on all of the details from last night, but his ass just felt bruised, not sore. He didn’t get fucked… at least he didn’t think he did… he assumed the pain of the first time would stick out in his mind pretty well. Especially with a rough guy like that.

Matt inspected Ryan’s side table once he slipped on his glasses; the dorm room was about 95% Matt’s stuff and video games. Ryan never asked for any extra space, keeping all of his stuff in this small corner of the room. He had books on film theory, books about video games, and a few about AI. On the shelves below there was a small collection of movies, all DvDs, who has DvDs anymore? Matt felt himself smiling more, that was so cute. That explained the movie player under the TV; the two only ever used streaming services on Matt’s consoles. 

Matt then turned his attention to the rest of the room, feeling a sense of Deja Vu at the situation, remembering the morning after he had kissed Ryan for the first time (apparently). He felt his face get warm from embarrassment, and from the thought that the first guy he had kissed was Ryan. Well, in Ryan’s words— “made out.”  
Matt put his face in his hands and smiled even bigger. He felt like a kid again, his heart beating quickly when he thought of last night. Not the void or the fuzzy part, but just how gentle Ryan could be. His hands in Matt’s hair, the way his face looked when Matt sang to him, and while Matt really wanted to kiss him last night— it was cute that Ryan wanted to wait. 

Matt got up, deciding he should take a shower. As much as he wanted to wear Ryan’s clothes for the rest of the day and sleep until he got home, he probably looked like a mess. He stopped in front of the mirror and yep, yeah, exactly as messy as he was expecting. Matt’s hair was sticking up in six different directions, Ryan’s clothes made him look even more scrawny than usual, and there were red marks on his neck and knees. He scrunched his nose up at the Matt who looked back at him before noticing a note on the coffee table. He spun around and walked over to grab it, his name written on the outside. Ryan’s handwriting was better than Matt’s own chicken scratch, and a dorky looking smiley face was on the outside. Matt closed his eyes and let out a breathy laugh. First the DvD’s, and now a paper note instead of a text? It was hard for Matt to remember Ryan was only 20. He flipped it open; the message was short and sweet. 

“I’m not avoiding you, I just have work. Relax today and I’ll be back at five.” 

“How can one person be so thoughtful?” Matt whispered to himself, glancing at his phone. It was almost noon. Ryan told him to relax, but Matt had never learned the meaning of the word. He glanced up at his bunk to find that it was made. Matt remembered falling asleep on the couch to an episode of Inuyasha (Ryan letting him pick whatever “weeb shit” he wanted) with Ryan’s hands in his hair. Ryan must have put him to bed. God, what a sweetheart. 

And there it was, that little voice in Matt’s head. Every person had one and he knew that, but Matt’s could send him spiraling within a matter of hours. With all the inability to breathe, overwhelming fear, and numbness a boy could ask for. 

‘You don’t deserve him’ 

Matt frowned at his own thoughts, standing up to start cleaning the room to match the bed Ryan had made. Trying to be as thoughtful as Ry was. Then he would shower and play something fun to keep himself distracted. But he knew the voice was there. Trying to get in. Matt shook his head before going through the motions of making the room look presentable again. He threw on some Miyazaki movie soundtracks, because Ryan’s box set reminded him of how great the music was in those movies. Matt opened the windows and felt like he was in his own little movie. It calmed him down a little. The fresh air cleansed the room of all the embarrassing memories it contained for Matt, leaving only the sweet ones. 

‘You’ll only hold him back’ 

Matt signed heavily and rubbed his eyes under his glasses. His mind swirling with his problems, how young he was, how much he had to grow. Ryan seemed to be mature and put together, as much as someone in college could be anyway. A job, a family he took care of, and a responsible degree plan. What was Matt doing? Going out and spending his dad’s money.  
He started collecting wrappers and bottles from around the room, heading out of the dorm to throw the small collection away, and getting some odd glances from other people on the floor. Matt wondered why, and then remembered his collection of bruises. 

When he returned to the room, he turned the music up louder, as loud as it could go, considering taking out his headphones or a speaker or something so he could get entirely lost in the sound, but decided against it. It’s just his head, he was in control despite all this. Wiping the dust off every surface he could find helped a little, the room starting to smell fresh and new again. Matt glanced at the couch and started gnawing at his cheek. His throat was sore and he wondered how long that would last. Matt wondered if Ryan only did all these nice things because he felt like he had to. Like Matt wasn’t able to properly take care of himself. He huffed at the thought and sprayed air freshner on the couch. 

Matt could take care of himself, for sure. He had been handling his own shit for as long as he could remember. His sister was there for him, but he didn’t like bothering her, she had her own life and it was a very happy one. A good job, a great boyfriend, and a nice apartment. If Matt could just meet a nice girl and go to law school like his dad wanted him to, maybe he could have his own happy life. Mind numbingly boring and safe - but happy. Can’t regret drunk hook ups and have panic attacks over your future as an artist if you commit to someone and get a real job. Matt realized he was laying on the couch now, comfortably on his side with his knees almost to his chest. The room was clean but it was also a little… dizzying. ‘Say your name, name things in the space, ground yourself’ he could vaguely hear his therapist's words echoing in his head. 

“Matthew Watson…” Matt whispered to himself, slipping his glasses on top of his head. 

‘You should leave… leave everyone alone’

“I’m on a couch, there’s a desk with a computer, there’s movies and books and video games, the window’s open… music is playing....” Matt continued, putting the glasses down again. Oh no. He was kinda maybe a little freaking out now. Suddenly he was on his feet and the room was moving on its own accord. 

‘People are lying to you, everyone’s lying to you’ 

Matt wanted to take something for his anxiety, but the new generic brand his psychiatrist insisted he try never worked. It just made him numb. And numb Matt made bad choices. 

‘Numb you is great, numb you is quiet and emotionless’ 

Matt ran his hands through his hair again. A shower, he will take a shower and being clean will help. He will order some food and he will stop thinking. Fuck, he really should have listened to Ryan and just watched some mindless shit ‘till he got home. Matt grabbed a small shower caddy and some fresh clothes before making his way to the showers. Hoping there weren’t too many people on the floor or in the showers. Luckily, there weren’t. Matt slipped off Ryan’s clothes, investigating the marks on his body while the water warmed up. 

He slipped into the shower and let the warm water soothe his muscles. There were a few other people showering but it was… way too quiet. This was somehow worse. Matt scrubbed some shampoo into his hair and let the suds that ran down his body count as cleaning his skin. It was kinda gross, but now he just wanted to be clean, dry, and in bed. 

Not his bed though. Not even Ryan’s bed. And definitely not the couch. Matt turned off the water and dried off before stepping out to change. He slipped on one of his few pairs of sweatpants and a faded “New Order” shirt his sister had given him. For a split second he felt better. 

‘You’re just a burden’ 

“You got that right…” Matt whispered in the mirror. Ryan didn’t know what a mess he was. If he did, he wouldn’t be so nice, he wouldn’t have taken care of him last night, he would have just finished smoking and went up to work on something important. Why did Matt have to push himself on fucking everyone? He toweled his hair off quickly and slipped his glasses on before walking back to the room. His phone said it was almost four now; how long did he lay on the couch? Ryan would be home soon...

God, Matt didn’t wanna talk about anything. He just wanted to stop bothering everyone, stop doing stupid shit, make his head slow down for a second. His phone vibrated in his hands. He looked and saw “Tucker” on the screen. Matt answered and held the phone up to his ear, trying to be goofy and fun instead of a collection of anxious thoughts. 

“Heeeeey dude, what is up?” Matt said, and wow, good job man. Super casual. 

“Uh… hi. Sorry I didn’t text you back, I was in class.” Tucker said, sounding serious. “Are you feeling better now?”

“For sure, I’m fit as a fiddle my man.” Matt said, and then scoffed, “What's it to ya?” 

“Yeah, ok, Matt, I feel like you’re lying because you texted me ‘Do you actually like me? Like, really, truly? Or am I a burden’ and now you’re doing that weird ‘I’m cool man’ voice.” 

Fuck. When did Matt send that? 

“What voice, Tucker? This is my voice, I’m just a super cool guy… very chill...” Matt knew deflection was impossible at this point, but some part of him wanted to keep up the act. An act he was so bad at, god. Tucker sighed heavily and was silent for a beat. 

“Kay, I’m gonna come get you. You at your dorm?” Tucker asked, and Matt heard the sounds of a car door opening and closing. He had classes in the same building as Tucker and knew how close he was. Maybe it was for the best… he could sleep on everything at Tucker’s. Before talking to Ryan.

“Yeah… Sorry to bother you.” Matt answered, dejectedly, going to grab his wallet and keys from the desk, putting both in his pockets. 

“Don’t stress Matty, I wanted to see you after last night anyway. Besides, my mom has been nagging me to bring you over for dinner for weeks now.” 

“God, what other dumb shit did I do last night?” Matt said, and Tucker laughed a little. Matt could walk to the RTF building in ten minutes, so Tucker would probably be outside in a minute. He looked at the note Ryan left him and grabbed it. 

“Don’t sweat it, dude. Head outside, kay? I’ll be there soon.” Tucker said, and Matt slipped the note in his pocket before opening the door to the flat. He took one more glance around the room, making sure everything looked OK. Matt was going to text Ryan when he got to Tucker’s, he’d be back tomorrow, he just needed a night. Maybe Ryan would realize Matt’s not worth his time and leave. The thought sent a stabbing sensation through his heart, but his head whispered that it would be for the best. 

“And Matt.” Tucker said, pulling Matt out of his thoughts and out the door. Matt hummed a little as he started making his way to the stairs. 

“Of course I like you, we’ve been friends since grade school you prick. Now come blast your sad boy tunes in my car.” Tucker said, and Matt laughed a little. 

“Thanks, man.” 

_______________________

Ryan hoped Matt had taken his advice. Or maybe he had slept the entire day and didn’t have the time to overthink what had happened between them. Ryan knew it was kinda hypocritical to think that considering he could barley stay focused for his entire shift. Overthinking it himself. At some point his coworkers all collectively agreed he should stop working the register and just restock the rest of the day, which didn’t help. Now he was almost home, driving home being a much quicker experience than the bus— and more relaxing.

Ryan wasn’t afraid of liking a guy. It had never happened before and was unfamiliar, but so was dating girls until he had done it a few times. Fantasizing about Matt made him feel a little weird because well, that’s his roommate, but now that he knew Matt wanted to be with him too, it felt… good. Nah, Ryan wasn’t afraid of any of that. But he could tell Matt was. And that was scary. Matt was amazing, Ryan didn’t meet a lot of people he really clicked with, and Matt made it easy. Most people made Ryan anxious, but Matt didn’t. He was super smart, and found the same shit funny that Ryan did. Also, he was also really attractive… so that didn’t hurt. Ryan shook the thought out of his mind and turned the ignition off, getting out to walk to the dorm block. 

But Ryan had been afraid to get close to anyone since Daniel. Even thinking about what happened for too long dragged Ryan back into the dark place he found himself in after... that happened. He was barely able to get out of it in the first place. Getting close to people could only lead to pain later, Ryan told himself for years. The girls who worked their way into his life couldn’t get past the walls Ryan had built, so they didn’t stick around for long. His friends back home kept in touch, but Ryan didn’t go out a lot on campus for a reason. It felt better to be home alone, without the stress or reminders. 

But Matt… how did that happen? Now Ryan was the one trying to get deeper and bring down Matt’s walls. Matt had stumbled his way into Ryan’s heart, and Ryan couldn’t help but want to get closer. He really wasn’t the kind of person to get jealous either, so all those feelings were new. Yeah, Ryan was protective and could get pretty fucking angry if you ticked him off, but it was hard to do. Ryan made his way up into the entrance, smiling. He was excited to see Matt, he felt like the person he wanted to be around was Matt. It was nice to be closer to someone again, too. Ryan didn’t realize how much he missed it. He tried to ignore that nagging fear and darkness in his head and just let himself be happy. What’s there to be afraid of? 

Ryan went to open the door to the dorm and it was locked. With a frown, he slipped his keys out of his pocket and unlocked the door, pushing into the room. It was clean and organized. Ryan’s clothes that Matt had been wearing were thrown on the couch, and the note he had left was gone. Ryan got a sinking feeling in his chest. Matt might’ve been on one of his many 7/11 runs, but it felt like that wasn’t the case. Then Ryan’s phone went off in his pocket. He took it out, scanning the screen. 

MATTY: hey, tucker picked me up. im sorry... we’ll talk tmrw i promise <3

Ryan sighed. Yeah, that seems about right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry they didn't have a fluffy, cute moment in this chapter. But I got some smut and fluff to make up for it, I promise. After this chapter there will be a break from the angst, I promise. Also this story... I recently realized for personal it was. It makes me so happy when I see your kudos and comments - I seriously wasn't expecting any when I started. Also sorry if the venting makes it out of character sometimes, I try my best to keep that in mind. I do love Ryatt after all <3 
> 
> Anyway, very excited to post more and I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I love you all!! And as always thank you to my lonely beta reader and editor dangerbirb. She is so great guys!


	10. Who's To Say Love Needs to be Soft & Gentle?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt has been avoiding talking to Ryan a little longer than he meant to. He figures out how he wants to apologize and Ryan can't help but play along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had actually written this chapter before chapter nine, but it felt off with only a couple paragraphs of context; instead of a chapter of context. The movie I mention in this chapter is called Secretary and if you've seen it you know what the fuck is up. This chapter is almost entirely smut so if you aren't a fan of sex scenes you can stop reading once it's Ryan's POV. Also, this is the longest and most explicit smut I've ever written so plz be nice =>_<= I'm trying my best!

It was Matt’s seventh day of not going back to the dorm. He wanted to kick himself so fucking hard for it but everytime he considered just walking in and talking to Ryan his chest felt like it was going to cave in. Tucker had been nice enough to let him crash at his parents place off campus. Matt was having to get rides or take the bus to go to his classes and he knew he couldn’t keep that up forever. The first night calmed him down, the second was an accident of sorts, the third he started getting concerned texts from Ryan, by the fourth the hole Matt had dug was too deep… and so on and so on. 

“Matt!” Tucker said loudly and Matt jumped in his seat. Looking up at an expectant looking Tucker. He mumbled an apology and ran a hand through his hair. It had been stuck in a perpetual state of messed up since he left. And then he thought about what an asshole he was again. Ryan was trying to be sweet and Matt… couldn’t handle it. Finding somewhere else to hide and ignoring all his attempts to reach out. 

“MATTHEW, SERIOUSLY!” Tucker brought him out of his thoughts again. Looking genuinely concerned. “You were staring into space, I got your attention, and then you went right back to staring out the window. Eat, man.” Matt shook his head and dug his fork into the food Tucker’s mom had made. He looked up and she was frowning at Matt as well. 

“Sorry, Mrs. Prescott.” Matt apologized quietly and she shook her head at him. 

“College is stressful, honey, I get it! No need to apologize.” She smiled warmly and Matt returned it before eating. He wishes he could say it reminded him of his mom's cooking but his mom never cooked. It reminded him of his own cooking, recipes he learned from the women his mom hired to help around the house. Fucking Charleston. Tucker smirked up at him. 

“It’s not classes, Mom, him and his boyfriend are fighting.” Tucker teased and Matt glared at him.

“He’s not my boyfriend, dude.” Matt grumbled. He knew he could trust Tucker's mom not to tell his parents about Matt's personal life, having learned it did more harm than good at this point. But the idea of calling Ryan his boyfriend made his heart skip a beat for all sorts of good and bad reasons. 

“Whatever you say, man…” Tucker shot back and his mom nudged his arm with a pointed look. Tucker looked back down and went back to eating. Matt did the same and the rest of dinner was relatively quiet. 

Tucker put on some low-budget flick after. Claiming “I have to watch it for this essay I’m writing”, failing to mention he was writing about BDSM in film. Matt had never seen it before and the beginning was pretty stilted and odd. But, it was a nice distraction from his own head, the pair more quiet than they usually were together while watching the start. Then Tucker cleared his throat. 

“Sorry I took you out that night, if I had kno-” Tucker started and Matt held up a hand to make him stop talking. Matt had told Tucker what he could remember about said night. Tucker knew Matt went home with someone but didn’t exactly know how out of it he was when it happened. Matt told him he didn’t wanna talk about it too much; hell he came to Tucker’s place to avoid talking to people. Matt just wanted to watch this weird movie and then sit awake for another sleepless night of mulling over what to do. How to approach talking to Ryan at this point.

“You aren’t my dad, man, I'm not your responsibility.” Matt said and smiled reassuringly at Tucker. Tucker nodded curtly with a small frown on his face. Then his expression morphed; mocking the boys in high school who chewed dip and threw barn parties. 

“I ain’t mean enough to be your daddy, boy.” Tucker said, putting on a over the top southern accent, and then laughed at his own joke. Matt stifled a laugh and rolled his eyes. Tucker smiled and then turned back to the screen. Matt pulled out his phone to go through the messages Ryan had been sending him. The last one being two days ago. They were really sweet, supportive, and calm which only made Matt feel worse.

“By the way, you can’t stay here forever, dude.” Tucker said while they watched. 

“Your mom said I could.” Matt replied, not looking up at Tucker. Tucker hit the phone into Matt’s lap. Matt sputtered in response and narrowed his eyes at Tucker. 

“Yeah, because she coddles everyone, I’m gonna make you deal with your shit.” Tucker explained and poked a finger into Matt’s chest. Matt looked down at it and Tucker moved it up to hit his nose with a laugh. Matt laughed too as he picked his phone up again, looking at the last message from Ryan before slipping the phone into his back pocket. 

RY: We have to talk when you get back. I’m not mad, man.

“Let’s go then, take me to said shit so I can deal with it.” Matt said, mildly agitated as he stood up. Rubbing his hands together nervously. C'mon body, It’s just a conversation, Ryan’s a reasonable guy, it'll be fine. Tucker scoffed at him and patted the couch. 

“You gotta stop living in a movie Matty, I’ll give you a ride after the credits roll.” Tucker turned his attention back to the screen and Matt sat down dejectedly. Maybe he could stand to be a little less dramatic. “Besides, you’ll like how the story progresses you pervert.” Matt felt his cheeks get hot at the implication.

The movie was aggressively indie and 90s, but it was kinda hot. None of the girls he had been with were ever willing to take control in the way Matt liked, thinking it was weird a guy wanted that. He wondered briefly if Ryan would be into it before blushing at the thought. On screen the girl was apologizing for some mistake she made and the guy was spanking her. Matt thought back to Ryan saying his name all those nights ago, vaguely focused on the guy jerking off on the girls back in the next scene. Something clicked in Matt’s head and knew how he wanted to start his apology. When he thought about walking into the dorm and trying to seduce Ryan, instead of trying to talk to him, his chest got warm instead of tight. Matt just hoped Ryan would play along, but had a weird feeling he would. 

_________________

Ryan was leaning back in his chair, staring intently at the screen in front of him. Nothing like dense, error filled code to keep your mind off things. Like your dumbass friend who ran away from you and refuses to even text. Ryan made a correction before running his hands down his face with a sigh. His music had been louder than it usually was the past three nights, Ryan’s working theory being that it would keep him from thinking. It hadn’t been working as well as he had hoped. He sat up a little straighter and leaned forward as he scanned for more errors. After a handful of minutes the mind numbing process was interrupted by a soft touch on his arm. He looked up and Matt was standing above him. His hair was all messed up and he had a button up on, it was loose on him and clearly Tuckers. There was a sheepish smile on his face and his worried gaze scans Ryan's body before their eyes meet. Matt looked down quickly after. 

Ryan pauses his music before slipping his headphones off, laying them on the desk before turning towards Matt. Refusing to get up and also refusing to talk first. He knew if he gave Matt any indication of how he felt, and why he felt that way, that it would lead to a string of meaningless apologies. It was uncomfortably quiet for a bit before Matt laughed nervously, clearly forced. Ryan rolled his eyes before shaking his head up at the ceiling. Matt sighed heavily. 

“Ok, ok, sorry - I’m sorry! Fuck man, I just didn’t know how to start, uh, this.” Matt said, the words tripping over each other trying to get out of his mouth fast enough. Ryan wondered briefly if his thoughts were moving just as fast, if not faster. As he spoke he was pointing at himself and then at Ryan. His face was more pink than usual. 

“This?” Ryan asked plainly, not letting his voice betray any of the emotions he had been since Matt hadn’t been home. Worry, regret, anger, then more worry, more regret, and realizing the anger was sadness not real anger. Fake, hollow anger. He meant it when he texted Matt he wasn’t mad. Finding it hard to actually be mad at Matt, which was funny because if anyone else pulled this shit he would have just left without another word. Matt let out a frustrated sigh and then screwed his eyes shut, shaking his head softly. He opened them again before he spoke. 

“Yeah Ry, this. Me apologizing and explaining myself and…” Matt said and paused; looking down at Ryan with a more innocent, one might call it cute, expression, “making it up to you.” Matt said the last part more slowly. Then his gaze got a bit softer and more suggestive. 

Ryan felt the weight of the words and tried to keep his interest from reaching his face. It probably wasn’t going very well considering that Matt took a step forward and got down on his knees. Resting his hands in-between them, now looking up at Ryan with a sweet look. Oh, this is not how he had imagined this going at all and he wasn’t sure how to feel about it. Part of Ryan wanted to tell Matt to stop acting like this but another part of him had wanted this for weeks. So he chose to stay silent and narrow his eyes at Matt. Matt dropped his eyes and started fidgeting. 

“I’ll start by saying sorry and I’ll say it as much as you want, Ryan...” Matt blinked up at him after finishing his offer and nodded slowly. Ryan could feel himself gnawing at his lip and willed himself to stop; but this was doing it for him for some reason. The prospect of Matt begging for Ryan’s forgiveness on his knees shouldn’t be doing it for him. Ryan nodded down at Matt.

“I’m really sorry for running away.” Matt said while maintaining eye contact. He was trying to look extra sweet and a little seductive, licking his lips a little after the apology left his mouth. Ryan nodded again and raised his eyebrows. 

“And I’m sorry for not letting you know if I was safe… and doing ok...” Matt continued, shuffling a little closer as he did and leaning forward a little more. It wasn’t a huge difference but Ryan felt the room get warmer. He swallowed and nodded again. Matt probably noticed his change in demeanor because his voice got a little breathier when he spoke again. 

“And I’m sorry for being gone for so long, I promise I was thinking of you... the whole time...” Matt drew out the end of the sentence, blinking innocently up at Ryan before lightly biting his lip. Jesus christ. Ryan couldn’t believe Matt had only had sex with one guy before this interaction. He must love being a tease, the thought sent a tingling down Ryan’s spine. Of course Matt Watson loved being a tease. Ryan shifted in the chair a little before speaking, his voice deep and rough to his own ears. 

“Explain yourself, Matthew.” Ryan said, recalling every time Matt had a reaction to hearing his full name. He didn’t disappoint this time, his eyes fluttering close and his cheeks getting red. He knew Matt had run away because he was anxious, because he got in his head. Ryan didn’t need an explanation; he had just wanted Matt back. Matt coming back wanting Ryan like this quelled the worries and regrets his departure inspired. Ryan’s brain told him they should just talk it out but his body did not agree with that… and his body was winning. Matt looked down, clearly embarrassed about his reaction to Ryan’s voice. His state inspired confidence in Ryan so he reached out to put his finger up Matt’s chin, tilting it up gently so they’re eyes met again. 

“Don’t be shy, baby.” Ryan growled down at him and Matt’s eyes got wide. His pupils were dark and he gasped softly, going to grab at Ryan’s arm - but Ryan pulled it back. Nodding down at him again. Matt shifted a little on his knees and dropped his hands to cover his crotch while maintaining eye contact. His face was fully flushed at this point and Ryan thought it was sweet he was so flustered. But also super fucking hot. 

“You’re just so good to me, Ry, I felt like I didn’t deserve it… I-I was afraid I wouldn’t be enough for you.” Matt said, his voice light and almost whining. Ryan noticed he was rocking forward into his hand a little and then Matt stifled a noise by biting his lip. Ryan’s body was burning now and his growing erection was getting harder to ignore. He wanted to pull Matt into his lap and prove that he was enough but also wanted to see how long Matt could keep this up before breaking. Actually begging Ryan to touch him. Ryan thought back to how Matt would react to praise when they were hanging out before. He would get uncharacteristically quiet, avoid looking at Ryan, and try to get more compliments out of him. 

“You deserve so much more, you’re so good, baby.” Ryan said, his voice coming out a lot rougher than he intended; trying to sound more comforting. But Matt wasn’t complaining. He actually moaned ever so quietly, eyes closed and mouth parted a bit. The moan morphed into a whine when he looked up at Ryan again. Ryan pointed at his hands he was trying to subtly grind into and hummed disapprovingly. Matt whined up at him with need in his eyes. C’mon Matty, just beg. Ryan shook his head and Matt moved his hands to his knees. He was hard in those ridiculously tight jeans he loved. 

“I-I’m sorry I didn’t ask your permission, I know.” Matt’s words were sort of slurring together and he was digging his nails into his knees to keep his hands there. That phrase put Ryan over the edge and he couldn’t stop his hand as it slipped into his sweatpants. Palming at his now fully hard dick. Matt groaned and his eyes glazed over a little as he watched intently. He shifted further, now in-between Ryan’s legs. Matt reached up to help and Ryan spoke up. 

“If you aren’t patient I’ll have to teach you a lesson in how to be, Matthew.” Ryan warned in a deep voice, starting to stroke himself. Matt’s breathing was heavy and erratic now, he’d probably be moaning in earnest now if he had any sort of friction. Ryan mentally thanked one of his ex girlfriends for being into all this shit because Matt seemed to love it. Ryan didn't really like it before, just being really into his partners being loud and happy, but with Matt it was different. The control Ryan’s words had over him turned him on so much. 

“Ryan, please let me touch you. Let me touch myself. Something, anything, please.” Matt begged and couldn’t seem to stay still anymore, hands still gripping his knees he was trying to find some sort of relief in the air around him. Ryan stoked up again and felt pre-cum coat his fingers. He needed to calm down himself or this wasn’t going to last as long as he wanted it too. Ryan offered his fingers to Matt and Matt happily took them into his mouth. Swirling his tongue around them and humming. He started sucking them deeper and deeper all while looking up with those pretty blue eyes. Ok, maybe not the best idea, Ryan felt his dick twitch hard and his own resolve starting to wear thin. 

Matt could see this and grabbed Ryan’s hand, holding it steady. Ryan wondered what he was doing until he felt his fingers hit the back of Matt’s throat - he couldn’t help the groan that fell from his lips. Matt swallowed then and hummed around his fingers, really putting on a show. Ryan wondered what his lips would look like around his dick. Ryan felt his breath catch in this throat when said dick twitched again. Matt could apparently read his mind or something because he took Ryan’s fingers out of his mouth with a soft pop, his lips shining now. He slipped off his glasses and put them on the coffee table behind him. Looking up at Ryan again, his eyes hungry. Matt got closer and started leaning in fully now, unable to help himself, but Ryan grabbed Matt’s hair in response. Pulling him back. Matt pouted up at him before looking at his dick, mouth slightly agape as a silent request. Ryan shook his head a little. 

“That question you asked the other night, ask me again.” Ryan’s voice was full of want now and he let his grasp on Matt’s hair loosen a little, trying to be a bit more tender. Matt looked confused for a moment before looking up at Ryan, his eyes full of trust. This question and the answer were so sappy and cheesy, but Ryan was a secret sucker for that kinda stuff. 

“Can I kiss you, agai-” Matt started and Ryan cut him off by crashing their lips together. Matt responded hungrily and Ryan pulled his hair hard again. He moaned into the kiss and tried to slip his tongue into Ryan’s mouth. Ryan bit his lip before letting him, the two exploring each other's mouths. Ryan started running one of his hands down Matt’s neck, he shivered in response. Matt whimpered as he pulled back and Ryan let him. Both of them were breathing heavily. 

“Sorry, I need to get out of these jeans like now or I’m gonna ruin them.” Matt said as he stood up on shaky legs. Ryan got a better look at the outline of Matt’s dick while he slipped off his own sweatpants. Ryan got up and kissed him again, moving back slowly until they were on the couch; only pulling away to sit down. Matt followed quickly, sitting in Ryan’s lap and wasting no time before starting to grind down. 

“Fuck, ah, Ma-” Matt interrupted him with another kiss that quickly turned desprate fast. Ryan ran his hands up and down Matt’s waist the way he knew he loved, receiving a shudder in response. Matt pulled away briefly to fumble with the buttons of his shirt. He made a face at how many there were before slipping it off instead, reminding Ryan of the first time they kissed. Matt looked down at Ryan’s lips and went to capture them again but Ryan put a hand on his chest to stop him. 

In response, Matt started grinding down faster so Ryan moved his hand up to grab his neck lightly. Matt struggled to moan with the pressure and moved forward so Ryan’s dick was grinding against his ass more. Ryan gasped and it morphed into a deep moan, tightening his grip slightly. Getting lost in the feeling before remembering his original plan. He let Matt continue to grind down while he spoke. 

“You screamed - mm - my name when you came, b-baby, why’s that?” Ryan asked, voice rough and ragged. The words made Matt slow down a little, grinding in small purposeful circles. God. 

“Fuck, couldn’t stop, ahh, thinking of you.” Matt explained, his voice wavering and high, eyes closed. Ryan grunted as he bucked up into the spot Matt was focusing on. Earned a loud moan from the smaller man. “Ryan! Fuck.”

“Tell me what exactly you were thinking about.” Ryan said, he was trying to sound dominant and unaffected but he felt a familiar tension. He wasn’t close yet but he was getting there just from Matt’s noises and grinding. He loosened his grip a little so Matt could speak and pulled down his briefs, smearing the pre-cum that was leaking from the tip on his dick down the length of it. 

“Ry, ahh fuck - I can’t focus if you do that.” Matt whined, his mouth falling open a little more as he rocked back a little harder. Ryan could barely focus on what he was saying, if he was being honest. But wanted to know what Matt fantasized about. 

“You never shut that pretty mouth of yours, I’m sure you could if you tried.” Ryan growled, thrusting up into Matt a little as he did. Remembering how Matt would blush when he got on him for sleeping in till three and going out instead of studying. Matt tries to say something but it comes out as needy noises as Ryan started stroking his dick slowly. Ryan moved his hand from Matt’s throat down to his ass, slapping it. That got Matt talking. 

“Ah, ah, ok, well I was wanting to grind down into you. I-I wondered how you’d sound…” Matt almost sounded embarrassed and opened his eyes to look at Ryan, pausing his movements just long enough for Ryan to miss the friction before grinding down hard. Ryan’s eyes slipped close and he thrust up into the feeling with a moan. 

“Baby, god, you gotta slow down.” Ryan gritted out, Matt obliged but looked down at Ryan deviously. He kept talking while he teased Ryan with how slow he was going now. Somehow this was worse and Ryan’s breathing started to get less even. 

“Can you spank me again, you’re so strong, Ry.” Matt cooed and Ryan did, much harder than the last time. Matt yelped and struggled to keep up his teasing pace. Ryan did it again while he stroked a little faster and Matt made those needy noises again in response. He leaned down and started sucking at Ryan’s neck. Ryan sucked in a breath and bit his lip to stifle the noises he wanted to make. He couldn’t stop himself from thrusting up again, this time keeping up a steady rhythm - it was too much but also not enough with the layer of fabric in the way. Matt moaned into Ryan’s neck before pulling back and biting his ear.

“I-I like when you… chastise me or call me names, you seem so in control - I would jerk off thinking about it.” Matt confessed quietly before moving his legs so that Ryan couldn’t rut up into him anymore. He smirked and went back to his previous, arduously slow pace. Ryan’s whole body burned at the image Matt was putting into his mind. 

“What a fucking brat.” He growled at Matt and spanked him again. Matt closed his eyes again and nodded, trying to fuck Ryan’s fist harder after he said this. Ryan stopped stroking him and Matt whined. 

“Y-yeah, fucking call me a needy, whiny whore while you fuck me into the mattress, Ry.” Matt said, his eyes closing, stopping with his teasing and going back to sloppy grinding as he said this. Ryan could do that, Ryan could do that right now, his whole body begged him too. He was going to respond but Matt kept babbling - getting Ryan closer with every filthy thing he said. 

“What about you, mmm, that night you said my name. W-what do you want to do to me?” Matt asked, looking down at Ryan. Ryan’s eyes got wide, Matt had heard that?! He would process that later, for now he wanted to give Matt what he so desperately wanted. Ryan started stroking Matt’s dick again and he was obviously close. 

“I was imagining you between my legs, I thought you’d be a cock slut but now I know.” Ryan’s strokes got faster as he spoke and Matt bit his lip, whining and rutting into his hand. Done grinding and now just focused on his own release. Ryan didn’t care, he’s been wondering what Matt looked like when he cums for a while now. 

“You licked that cum off my fingers happily, you like how my cum tastes, baby?” Ryan continued and Matt was totally gone now. He opened his mouth to respond and then cut himself off with a rough moan. Matt whined and snaked his fingers into Ryan’s hair. 

“I’m gonna cum, keep g-ahh, please, Ry.” Matt got out finally. Ryan got the message and spanked Matt again with his free hand. 

“You’re so desperate to cum, I’d love to see how long I could edge you before you begged me to fuck you.” Ryan punctuated the sentence with another slap. Matt moaned breathily and leaned down to suck Ryan’s neck hungrily as he shuddered through his orgasm, continuing to fuck Ryan’s fist while whimpering. The release fell onto Ryan’s shirt and hand. When Matt leaned back again his hair was kinda sweaty and his face was flushed. Ryan looked at his lips, wet and pink from biting them. He lifted the hand that had Matt’s cum on it up to him; without hesitation Matt took Ryan’s fingers into his mouth. Licking it off and then pressing sloppy kisses into the rest of Ryan’s hand to get the rest. Looking up at Ryan, all the sweet or teasing looks from before gone; having been replaced with a ‘I’m gonna ruin you’ sort of look. Ryan was trying to ignore the way his dick strained in his boxers, wet from pre-cum, as he watched Matt. 

“God, you’re so fucking hot.” Ryan marvelled as he looked at him. Matt’s eyes fluttered close and he started panting against Ryan's hand before pulling away from it. Instead of responding Matt snaked his hands under Ryan’s stained shirt and took it off, throwing it behind him. He ran his hands down Ryan’s chest and started sucking his neck again; now focusing on certain sensitive areas. Ryan couldn’t help being louder than he was before. He loved when people focused on his neck and Matt doing it felt amazing. Matt’s hands trailed down his chest until they reached his dick, palming it as he moved down between Ryan’s legs. Matt finally spoke once he was settled on his knees. 

“Be careful, Ryan, with a mouth like that you could get me to do just about anything...” It sounded like a legitimate warning and Ryan swallowed hard. His dick twitched under Matt’s hands and his half lidded eyes looked up at Ryan as he pulled his boxers down. Matt wasn’t teasing anymore, sucking gently at the tip of Ryan’s dick. Ryan grabbed Matt’s hair, biting down a moan.

Matt started working his way up and down while jerking off the base of Ryan’s cock. He was struggling to stay quiet, moans and groans slipping out. Matt slapped Ryan’s thigh and looked up at him, Ryan looked down and fuck. It was better than he could have imagined. Matt’s lips were stretched around his dick and his blue eyes were gleaming up at him with want. 

“Jesus, you look great sucking dick.” Ryan said, moaning when that made Matt hum happily. He slapped Ryan’s thigh lightly again as he moved his hand off the base of Ryan’s dick. Replacing it with his mouth instead. Ryan got the message and tried to talk but Matt was right; it was hard to focus on anything other than the wet, hot suction that was getting him closer by the second. Then he felt his dick hit the back of Matt’s throat. That got him talking, his voice wavering as he did. 

“You want me to cum down your throat, you brat. So needy, ahh, slapping my thigh.” 

Matt started sucking faster, pulling back a bit before letting Ryan’s dick press into the back of his throat again. Trying to fuck his face on Ryan’s dick. Ryan’s hip’s snapped up on their own accord and Matt gagged a little. Ryan loosened his grip on Matt’s hair and apologized but Matt whined in response. 

“I’m so close, Matt.” Ryan said and his hips snapped up again. Matt slapped his thigh again and looked up at him, moaning around his dick. Ryan grabbed Matt’s hair and thrusted up into his mouth, experimentally. Afraid to hurt him. He moaned around Ryan’s dick and tried to nod, so Ryan did it again. Quickly finding a steady rhythm, so, so close to cumming. Then Matt started swallowing, even more tight around Ryan’s dick. 

“Fu- I’m- God.” Ryan tried to warn Matt before he came and held on tight to his hair as he buried his dick into his mouth. Ryan tensed up for a second before his orgasm took over and he felt himself cumming down Matt’s throat. And Matt continued to swallow as he hummed happily. It felt amazing and Ryan looked down at Matt swallowing - fuck that looked amazing. He pulled Matt back gently once it was too much of a good thing. Matt’s back straightened and his mouth was slightly open, cum and spit around it. His eyes were watery but looking up at Ryan sweetly. 

“Did I do ok, Ry?” Matt asked, trying to catch his breath, looking up expectantly for praise. He was so adorable for having just had a dick down his throat. Ryan rolled his eyes and pulled Matt up to sit next to him. Matt bent his legs over Ryan’s lap before he hugged them close to his chest. Peeking over them to look up at Ryan. 

“Why’re you rolling your eyes, dick.” Matt said softly, hiding half of his face but his eyes were frowning. Ryan brought a hand up to play with Matt’s hair. 

“Because you know it felt fucking amazing and you’re just fishing for compliments.” Ryan said, looking at Matt expectantly. Matt smiled at Ryan. 

“Mmm, I'm glad it felt amazing!” Matt cooed, sitting up a little more so Ryan could see his sly smile. Ryan leaned forward to get Matt’s glasses and give them to him. Matt slipped them on and pushed them all the way up. Blinking as he adjusted to seeing clearly again while wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “Did it make up for me being an asshole?” Matt asked, more serious again. Ryan laughed; Matt and all the things he felt he had to do, it was kinda concerning. Maybe he shouldn’t have gone along with it... fuck. Matt smiled at Ryan’s laughter and Ryan really wanted to say ‘yes of course it does’ and move on. But that wouldn't feel right to Ryan.

“I think you know we still have to talk, dude.” Ryan said and watched Matt’s face drop. He looked down at his fidgeting hands. 

“Oh…” Matt whispered, refusing to look up at Ryan. It was gonna be a long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry Matt gets his face fucked so much, I'm just jealous of his gag reflex


	11. Are You Sure You Wanna Know More?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt opens up a little more and Ryan is secretly the mushy one of the pair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Sorry 4 the break! this chap was kinda hard to write :/ v personal

“GOD DAMMIT, MATT!” Ryan shouted as Matt layed on his bed in one of Ryan’s sweatshirts. Matt snickered as he watched him inspect his neck in the mirror, fingers running over the black and blue marks there. Even in dim candlelight, the rapidly darkening hickies were hard to miss. Ryan turned to glare at him and Matt fell on his back while he laughed harder. He looked so fucking offended.

“Chill out, dude! You can just say some chick left them.” Matt said, turning his head to smirk at Ryan, “You weren’t complaining before.”

“That’s not it, man...” Ryan grumbled, shaking his head. “God, I’m gonna get so much shit from my boss.” He ran his hands down his face with a sigh. Matt frowned and patted the bed beside him. Ryan stepped forward and fell into the bed next to Matt, looking up instead of facing him. Matt pressed a light kiss into his arm. Quiet music filled the room, playing softly enough that the pair could talk over it. Matt told Ryan it would help him talk and chose some random playlist. But now that Ryan was close to him the choice seemed way too romantic.

“Sorry, Ry... you just liked it a lot, it’s cute.” Matt mumbled as he moved up to press light kisses into Ryan’s neck. The larger man hummed contentedly as he pulled Matt under his arm and closer to his neck. Matt smiled into it and shimmied his way down to settle in Ryan’s chest. He wasn’t expecting this much affection after the way he acted, but wasn’t gonna complain. It was nice, really nice, and it felt right.

“I’m cute...?” Ryan asked as he kissed Matt’s head, sounding a little surprised. Matt nodded into him.

“The cutest, man.” Matt’s voice was muffled and Ryan laughed a little.

“‘M pretty sure that’s you.” Ryan said softly and Matt felt himself blushing. There was a moment of peace as they melted further into their embrace. Matt didn’t take his medication today and was actually starting to feel a little tired. Ryan sighed heavily and kissed Matt’s head again.

“You comfy, Matty?” Ryan asked, sounding more serious, turning a little so he could rest his head on top of Matt’s. Matt felt his heart beat a little quicker; partly from the closeness and partly from the anxiety that was starting to bubble up. Something about Ryan’s tone put him slightly on edge. He just nodded into Ryan’s chest so his voice wouldn’t betray how he was feeling.

“It’s cool if you're worried to talk about it.” Ryan said evenly. Matt stayed silent and closed his eyes, trying to relax into the embrace. “People make me pretty fucking anxious, so I get it, y’know?”

Matt would never have been able to tell, but Ryan did tend to stay in unless he was at work or in class. He would tell stories about a few friends he had back in his hometown, but never talked about friends he had here on campus. Ryan was a junior too, so had plenty of time to meet people.

“Shit, I’m sorry, Ry… Fuck, I can’t imagine how anxious I make you.” Matt murmured before pulling back a little so they were face to face. They locked eyes with each other and it seemed to last forever. Matt had never been able to look someone straight in the eyes this long and it felt like he was living in a memory. Ryan was the first one to look down and Matt did the same.

“That’s the funny thing, man, you don’t.” Ryan said quietly, and Matt grabbed his hands. Trying to ignore how the sentiment made warmth join the anxiety in his chest. The music, the candle light, the affection - this clearly wasn’t just a hookup and it was bittersweet for Matt.

“Same!” Matt said and squeezed Ryan’s hands before wincing at the volume of his voice, Christ. “Uh, sorry, but yeah same. I’m never anxious around you.” Matt got quiet again and looked up sheepishly at Ryan. Despite his words, the expression on Ryan's face was worried. A small frown tugging at his features as he squeezed Matt’s hands back.

“You can’t go ghost on me like that dude, ‘cause the last person who did…” Ryan started explaining and then trailed off with a heavy sigh, pulling his hands back, “Whatever, it’s my own shit.” It was Matt’s turn to look down, feeling sick at the fact that his stupid decisions brought up bad memories for Ryan.

“If I stress you out that much, I’ll file a dorm change request, I don’t wanna be a problem.” Ryan said, voice steady and strong, no hint of emotion. That’s not what Matt wanted at all. He felt like such an asshole, remembering why he was so afraid to talk again. Matt shook his head frantically and grabbed Ryan’s face, leaning in to kiss him, but he pulled back. Matt’s eyes shifted from Ryan’s lips to the weary look in his dark eyes, he looked borderline irritated.

“That’s not what I was asking.” Ryan stated and the weight of the room hit Matt. He tried to not look hurt from the rejection and moved back towards the wall, giving Ryan space.

It was nothing, that’s not how Ryan meant it, and Matt knew that. But it reminded him of high school, landing on Michael Kells while playing spin the bottle, and being drunk enough to lean in. It’s like he could feel the busted lip and broken glass all over again. Ryan didn’t reach out to pull him back or move closer, staying put with an expectant look on his face. Matt tried to speak but the words died before they could leave his mouth; throat too tight and heartbeat too fast. Ryan closed his eyes and breathed out a laugh, shaking his head again.

“Seriously dude? C’mon, you know I wanna kiss you.” Ryan said when he opened his eyes again, his voice a lot softer and almost teasing. Matt let out a small sigh of relief he didn’t even realize he was holding and moved a little closer again. “But we gotta talk first.” Matt barely stopped himself from rolling his eyes, instead huffing a little. He knew he was being ridiculous but he wasn’t used to stuff like this. Unsure how to handle the foreign feeling in his heart.

His parents were dismissive and his exes were almost scared to pry. Matt’s friends had been there for all his shit, they knew why Matt could be a mess sometimes. Knew he’d make up for it later and do anything for them. Ryan didn’t know his shit and clearly they were way past Matt just acting like he was fine like he did with everyone else. Matt regrets ever leaving, now more than ever, and wishes he was just a normal fucking guy. Him and Ryan could have had a chill convo about being into each other, Matt could have asked him to kiss him, and then they could have had sex.

But nah, Matt isn’t that guy. He’s the guy who misreads the steps, the guy with mile a minute thoughts, and the guy that doesn’t know how to act when he isn’t acting. Now he was here, struggling to open up to a guy he really fucking liked… wishing Ryan was a douchebag that would accept sex as the apology. Damn that’s fucked, Matt shouldn’t want that. He should want this, should want to be with a good guy. Ryan deserves someone wh--

Ryan interrupted his rapidly spiraling thoughts by grabbing Matt’s hands, squeezing them briefly. Matt jumped a little at the action and then was back in the moment. Hearing the soft music again, feeling the air on his skin, and taking in Ryan’s concerned expression.

“Tell me what you’re thinking about, Matt.” Ryan urged, eyes so heartbreakingly gentle. Matt looked down at their clasped hands as he spoke. Because his heart legit could not handle that much understanding right now.

“I-I’m really bad at this, Ryan, the whole opening up thing. No one… ever wants me to.” Matt said and felt his chest swell with emotion. “My parents didn’t care if we were fucked up, didn’t care that their kids had problems. I - fuck - I don’t wanna think about that. I’m sorry, dude.” Ryan’s thumb was rubbing circles into Matt’s skin. A comforting silence hung in the air for a second before Ryan broke it.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to bring up bad shit.” Ryan mumbled. “Jesus, Matt. It sounds like you think I don’t care about you.” Matt felt a stab through his heart. He looked up at Ryan with his brow furrowed. He was frowning and Matt felt tears in the corners of his eyes, the emotion attempting to escape his chest the only way it knew how.

“No, it’s not that. It’s just that I don’t… get it.” Matt explained and felt a few tears roll down his cheeks. He slipped his glasses up to wipe them while he responded. Ryan frowned and stopped propping himself up, laying down on the pillow. Matt followed suit and they moved closer together.

“Get what, dude?” Ryan asked, but his eyes told Matt he already knew what. He was just trying to make a point. Matt let out a breathy laugh and more tears falling from the movement.

“Come on, Ry, you know what. Don’t make me say it, that shit's sad.” Matt mumbled, keeping his eyes locked with Ryan’s. He didn’t say anything, just kept looking. Matt knew what he was waiting for and blew air out of his nose. He fought against every instinct and anxiety he had. “You tryna make me cry, dude? I-I don’t know why you care about me, ok?” Matt was surprised when it didn’t feel terrible to express that and instead felt… kinda good. He started talking before he fully knew what to say, just to try and feel better.

“I trust you and you make me feel safe, especially after that night, and I was scared you would change your mind -” The words just tumbled out of his mouth, Matt could feel himself crying a little more but it was still manageable. He was used to crying pretty quietly or talking through it. “- once you knew I wasn’t worth the trouble. I mean, dude, I got a lot of problems. And I don’t get why you’d wanna deal with that.” Matt reached out, letting his hand rest on Ryan’s knee.

“Deal with me...” Matt said, voice getting a little shakier, as he moved his hand up Ryan’s thigh. Matt started moving further in but Ryan grabbed his hand, only looking confused for a moment before it morphed to understanding.

“Oh Matt, no that’s not - you didn’t have to- I shouldn’t have-” Ryan started trying to explain, distracted enough that Matt succeeded in capturing his lips and cutting him off. He threaded his slender fingers through Ryan’s hair before pulling back a little.

“Jeez, dude, chill! I wanted to be with you, I want you, god I wanted that for… never mind. But, uh, my brain couldn’t handle it, so my body did. Sorry to scare you, ha.” Matt breathed and kissed Ryan’s forehead, then under his eyes, both of his cheeks, his nose, and finally a light touch to his lips. When he pulled away Ryan was grinning at him. The air around them felt soft and romantic and it almost smells like home. Ryan returned the gesture, paying Matt a compliment after each kiss.

“You’re a sweetheart.” He kissed Matt's forehead gently.

“Very, very creative,” a kiss under one eye, “and way too smart for your own good.” a kiss under the other. Matt felt some of the tears that were coming faster now being kissed away and sniffled.

“You always know how to cheer me up,” left cheek, “and you’re really fucking funny.” Ryan smiled into the right cheek after he kissed it. He pulled back fully and looked Matt in his teary blue eyes.

“I care about you, and wanna take care of you, ‘cause I like seeing you happy. Not because I feel like I have to.” Ryan whispered before kissing Matt lightly. And that was it, that’s what Matt couldn’t find the words to say; a fear he had hidden so deeply it was impossible to express. Honestly, it was so deep seeded Matt, had kinda forgotten it was there. The feeling of being known, even in a small way, makes his heart stop for a second. Something he’s never felt before fills his veins and the tears come harder, his body melting into the trust.

Matt pulls him closer and he deepens the kiss when he feels Ryan pulling away. Matt was crying too much and wouldn’t be able to stay in the kiss very long, but he needed more. Matt rolled Ryan onto his back and clambered on top of him before pulling away. He didn’t even care about trying to wipe the tears away, letting them fall from his face freely. Matt ran his hands through Ryan’s hair desperately and leaned in to pepper messy kisses from his collar bone to his jaw.

“That’s like the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me, dude.” Matt said into his neck, voice unsteady and full of emotion. Ryan put his hands on Matt’s back. Matt pulled back to look at him and cursed himself for being so fucking emotional. That new feeling swirls around inside of him, and Matt decides then and there it’s his new favorite high. While it’s wonderful it doesn’t press the pause button on his brain like the other highs do.

He tried to stop himself from crying but of course his mind had to remind him of all the other problems they had now. Were they dating? Or were they just really romantic fuck buddies? How romantic can fuck buddies be? Were they ever really friends? Fuck. Oh god, if Matt had a boyfriend his parents wouldn’t pay his tuition. Hell, they’d do way more than that. But they weren’t officially anything at the moment, so that was future Matt’s problem. They were into each other, obviously, but they only met like a month ago. They should slow down, just feel it out. Wait, slowing down isn’t really--

Ryan’s hands were in his hair now. And he pulled up gently as he raised his eyebrows up at Matt.

“Shh, relax. I can hear you thinking too much.” Ryan said as he moved both of his hands down to Matt’s waist. Matt couldn’t help but shiver at the sensation. It was so much better now, now that he knew Ryan just liked making him happy. Matt couldn’t help the face he made at being told to relax though, having been told to relax or chill out too often, no matter how well intentioned it was.

“Don’t tell me to relax, and stop trying to distract me!” Matt said, trying to not focus on the way Ryan’s fingers felt as they teased up his side. Ryan laughed a little and Matt smiled at the sound. It was infectious, the happiness in it. He wiped at his eyes and felt Ryan’s hands travelling down to his thighs as he did.

“I didn’t realize it was so distracting...” Ryan said in a low tone, ghosting his fingertips towards Matt’s inner thigh. Matt bit his lip and tried to stay still but it was difficult.

“R-Ryan, you’re a dick.” Matt breathed out. Ryan looked up at him with an apologetic expression and went to pull his hands away. Matt grabbed his arms, keeping him in place, “I didn’t say you had to stop.” He loosened his grip on Ryan’s arms once they started moving again.

“Mm sorry, you just look cute in my clothes. They make you look small.” Ryan explained while moving his hands under the sweatshirt Matt was wearing to touch the skin there. “And you're so sensitive, it’s too easy to get you going.” Matt found the words small and sensitive really sweet and just a little bit hot.

“Christ, you’re too good at being demeaning and sweet at the same time, Ryan-nnn-” Matt stumbled over his words when Ryan pinched his side, “I’m so fucked, aren’t I?” Ryan shrugged before he started running his hands up and down Matt’s chest.

“Depends on what you want.” Ryan said simply, keeping his gaze focused on Matt’s face. Matt gathered the courage to say what was on his mind just a moment ago.

“Well, I’m super into you and this-” Matt circled his hips gently to make his point, Ryan exhaled softly and nodded quickly, “But I wanna take things slow, okay?” Matt felt kinda stupid for saying it and Ryan was looking up at him like it was funny, which didn’t exactly help.

“Matt, a week ago we were just friends with a weird amount of sexual tension, so...” Ryan trailed off and Matt laughed at his description. So, slow made sense and he was just overthinking it- yeah. Ryan grinned up at him and Matt noticed his hands had moved up higher, skimming closer to his collarbones.

“So, we should be friends without the sexual tension?” Matt asked quietly before leaning in to kiss Ryan again, starting gently, but moving forward more so it was easier to deepen the kiss. Matt brought his hands up to his hair and pulled it lightly. Ryan grunted into the kiss and went to bite Matt’s lip. He moaned lightly, the pain making his body buzz more. Ryan’s hands had slipped down to his waist again and then Matt was on his back with Ryan above him. Matt tried to kiss Ryan again, but his pursuit was cut off when Ryan put a firm hand on his chest, trailing the hand down until he was slowly swirling his finger though Matt’s happy trail.

“Ry! I just wanna make out, c’mere.” Matt said, looking up at Ryan sweetly. He looked really good over Matt, strong and capable and in control. It was really hot, and he tried to ignore how right it felt, the room feeling much hotter than it was before. Matt’s mind started wondering what Ryan would look like fucking him. Hands running down his back to pull his head back and telling Matt how good he was being... Matt closed his eyes and suppressed a moan at the thought, not helping his case.

“I’m not touching you anymore.” Ryan pointed out, running a gentle hand through Matt’s hair, “What’re you thinking about, baby?” and he was right, having stopped when Matt asked. It shouldn’t be a big deal, but it was nice to know. Matt opened his eyes and could feel his cheeks getting hot, but worked through the slight embarrassment. Wanting to press Ryan’s buttons a little. He wrapped his legs around Ryan as he spoke, pulling him forward a little.

“You look so good right now, I like when you’re on top. Mm, it felt great when you came down my throat. Telling me how hot I-I looked, I’m thinking about how’d you sound cumming in my ass.” Matt’s voice got breathy and tight, and he'd started moving back a little as he said it. “Holding me down, fucking me as hard as you want. Ryan, fuck, t-that’s it, right there, god I-” Ryan put a hand over his mouth and let out a shaky exhale. He closed his eyes and shook his head.

“Jesus, Matt, you gotta shut up.” Ryan groaned before opening his eyes again. He looked less lost in lust than he was earlier though, more controlled and caring. Ryan moved his hand off Matt’s mouth. He stopped moving, because while teasing Ryan was hot, it was a little bit mean too. Matt grabbed his shirt and pulled him down, kissing him again. It was less needy and more gentle, neither of them moving to progress it beyond that. Matt unwrapped his legs and Ryan pulled back a little, moving so he was behind Matt before kissing him again. He hummed into the kiss and felt Ryan’s hands wrap around him tightly, like he was afraid Matt would run away again if they weren’t there. When they finally pulled away from each other again, they were breathing heavily.

“Seriously man, I want you to. I wanna feel you inside of me.” Matt said shakily and Ryan’s arms got a little tighter. He kissed the back of Matt’s neck softly. “Um, another night though… if that's ok?” Ryan nuzzled into his neck before nodding into it. Matt stilled, waiting for a hand to move down his leg or for Ryan to say something dirty or to feel something hard against his back.

“That’s more than ok. You’re so warm, ‘s nice.” Ryan mumbled into his neck before returning to lightly peppering it in kisses. Matt made a surprised noise, his body not getting the message that everything was cool. “Dude, relax, I got you… won’t do anything, promise...” Ryan sounded a little offended, and hit Matt’s stomach lightly. Matt didn’t relax and he didn’t respond. He didn’t know he was so easy to read. It was throwing him for a loop, he took a lot of pride in being able to act like everything was fine. Ryan yawned and he softly poked a finger into Matt’s chest.

“Shh, come ‘ere.” Ryan nuzzled into Matt’s neck again, his hair falling onto it more. It felt really nice and Matt finally let himself sink into all the attention, relaxing and trusting again. Ryan was way more affectionate than Matt would have assumed, it was surprising and very cute. “I wanted you next to me for weeks..ss...” his voice was sleepy and kinda slurred now. “...’s worth the wait…” He yawned again. “...you need to sleep more, mm, I worry ‘bout you…” Matt’s body buzzed at the comments and the way Ryan’s voice sounded. It was bittersweet though, he was starting to stress again. Worried about what it all meant.

“So, friends that fuck and... cuddle...?” Matt asked wearily. His mind trying to find some sort of label for this, whatever it was. Whatever it had become. Ryan groaned again and was suddenly more awake, pulling back so he could look down at Matt as he spoke.

“I've seen you starfish onto your friends, Matty, don’t give me that bullshit.” Ryan pointed out, no real malice in his voice, before returning to his previous position. “Fuck labels, man, I just wanna sleep next to you.” He had returned to his tired and sweet tone. Matt’s mind slowed down a little more and his body felt heavier. He hummed when Ryan held him tightly again. Even if it all went bad, tonight was perfect.

“Sure, Ry. Sleep well, 'kay?” Ryan yawned, and they must actually be contagious, because Matt did too. He nodded into Matt’s neck slowly and then stopped. How the fuck was he so tired all of a sudden? Matt knew It'd take him longer to actually sleep, but it was a nice place to wait, since he was held and safe- with that too romantic music still quietly playing from the coffee table.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mushy, emotional, sentimental Ryan gets me y'all!! You know it's true. Hope you liked this chapter! I'm gonna post the 12th one super soon to make up for the break <3<3<3 thanks for all ur sweet comments!!!


	12. Lost in Translation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pet names, internalized homophobia, and high school shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love the comments y'all!!! keep em coming !! Also, i call my partners daddy so i am so so so sorry if you hate that shit. For me it's not even an ddlg thing (kinda gross imo) it's just a pet name i call them - its a leel cute and a leel hot to the people i'm with

Matt opened his eyes and felt Ryan underneath him, his chest rising and falling rhythmically, snoring softly. Matt never woke up before Ryan, in fact, he usually fell asleep when Ryan was first getting up. Matt smiled at how peaceful he looked. He carefully sat up and kissed Ryan. Ryan did the same to wake Matt up sometimes and Matt loved it. Usually it was before he went into work. Matt pulled away and Ryan’s face scrunched up for a moment before his eyes opened just enough to see. When he saw Matt he blew air out of his nose. His eyes slipped shut again with a dopey smile.

“You headed to bed?” Ryan asked before yawning. He reached out to grab Matt. The younger man found himself getting pulled back into Ryan’s chest with a surprising amount of strength considering he was barely awake. Ryan slurred out something else before Matt could respond. “Sleep well.” Ryan hummed and squeezed tighter. Matt tried not to laugh at him and it came out as a snort. Things had changed, but they also hadn't; it was weird, but the good kind of weird.

They watched movies and played video games like they did before, but ended up making out more often than not. They went out to get food and fucked with each other still, but now Ryan knew what got Matt going, and Matt knew Ryan was really into it. They did homework and studied together, but Ryan would give Matt kisses and tips while he was editing, and Matt would sit on Ryan’s lap and remind him not to forget to close his tags when he was coding. Matt hadn’t felt anxious about things between them since their first night together and that’s what felt weird. Not being anxious, being sober and happy for the first time in a long time.

“I just woke up, dude.” Matt said, nuzzling his face into Ryan’s chest before pressing a kiss there. “I’m gonna start waking up early though cause you’re so cute in the morning.” Matt reached up and grabbed his face. Ryan’s beard felt nice under his fingers, it had always been a nice feeling but now Matt was comfortable with it- slowly adjusting to the water, slowly being more ok with liking another man this much. Ryan snorted and shook his head slowly to get out of his grasp.

“That's funny, man...” Ryan said, his chest shaking a little as he chuckled before interrupting himself with a yawn. “...start ‘nother day though, I’m comfy.” Matt giggled and wriggled out of Ryan’s grasp. Ryan huffed and reached out. He felt around blindly for a moment before opening his eyes fully. His gaze was soft and warm. Matt shimmied down to kiss Ryan’s stomach.

“I had a dream about you.” Matt said as he rested his chin on Ryan’s chest, blinking up at him innocently. Matt had realized at some point that Ryan liked that a lot, when Matt was almost too sweet. Ryan’s eyes slipped closed again as a lazy smile spread across his face.

“Oh yeah? Tell me about it, baby.” Ryan said. His hand found Matt’s hair, and he started playing with it. Ryan only called him baby when they were having sex or Matt was feeling anxious. Matt decided to mess with him a little so he kissed a little lower down, nuzzling closer and closer to his bulge. Ryan made a surprised, happy noise as he started pulling Matt’s hair lightly. Matt snickered into the skin there before responding.

“We kissed… you called me babe, it was nice.” Matt said softly, almost afraid to say it. There was nothing embarrassing about the dream, but Matt felt himself blush. Ryan opened his eyes again and looked down at Matt.

“I can call you that if you want.” Ryan said, and Matt shrugged. He didn’t wanna make Ryan call him anything. Matt moved so he was gently straddling Ryan and put his hands on either side of Ryan’s chest before leaning forward. Ryan looked more awake now and cocked his head to the side in confusion.

“You can call me whatever.” Matt mumbled. “Do you want me to call you anything?”

“Ry is sweet, you’re the only one that calls me that- most people don’t think four letters is too long, dude.” Ryan teased and Matt scrunched up his nose.

“You’re such a dick.” Matt said in mock offence, sitting up straighter. “Fine then, I’ll call you Magee.” Ryan laughed and rested his hands on Matt’s knees.

“Even in bed?” Ryan joked while laughing and Matt joined in after imagining it. “Hm? ‘Choke me hard enough that I can’t moan, Magee.” Matt felt his cheeks heat up as he laughed and he gasped when Ryan slid his hands up his legs. That was exactly what he had said the other night.

“Ah, do you have a folder up there for the pervy shit I say in bed?” Matt asked, reaching out to mess up Ryan’s hair. Ryan’s hands slipped closer to Matt’s inner thigh.

“It's called a spank bank, Watson, keep up.” Ryan smirked.

“I’ll try, Magee.” Matt tried to mimic Ryan’s snarky tone and Ryan made a face at the new name.

“Never call me that again, babe.” Ryan said, and Matt’s heart stirred at the pet name. He found himself leaning in to kiss Ryan, his brain not fully grasping what was happening until Ryan was biting down on his lip. A silent ask. Matt put his hands in Ryan’s hair and opened his mouth a little more, deepening the kiss. Ryan breathes into the kiss shakily before breaking the kiss. Pulling back with a curious expression. Matt whined and tried to pull Ryan closer again, but his hands pushed into Matt’s thighs. Keeping him in place, inches from each other's faces.

“Hm, that’s good to know.” Ryan said smugly, the tone equal parts sexy and snide. Well, at least to Matt it was. He did not like the implication though, as if Ryan needed more ammo.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Matt asked as he sat up straight again.

“You know what I mean, sweetness.” Ryan murmured as his eyes scanned Matt’s body. The hunger in his eyes made Matt’s skin hot and he knew he was blushing. Fuck. Ryan stifled a laugh and shook his head at Matt. “You’re too easy, dude.”

“Fuck you, man- that shit’s cute.” Matt said defensively, narrowing his eyes a little. He wasn’t easy, Ryan just knew how to push his buttons. Ryan laughed lightly at his reaction and then raised his eyebrows.

“Ooo, my kitten's got claws.” Ryan said with mock worry. Hands sliding up to Matt’s back, easing him forward again. The ‘my’ is what really got to Matt and he hummed happily. Ryan chuckled at him and Matt looked down at his chest, slightly embarrassed by how much he liked this.

“You’re so flustered, doll face.” Ryan continued to tease and Matt regretted giving him this idea. His body didn’t regret it in the slightest, but now Ryan was just making fun of him. Also, doll face wasn’t doing it for Matt. So he was gonna tease back because it was always nice to see Ryan flustered. Matt surged forward before the older could react and kissed Ryan again. He feels Ryan’s hands loosening on his thighs and took the opportunity to move forward.

Ryan sat up a little more and Matt’s body fell flush against his. Ryan slipped his tongue into Matt’s mouth and Matt welcomed it, making more noises than he usually would because he knew Ryan loved that. He didn’t disappoint this time, hands moving down quickly to grab Matt’s ass. Matt pulled out the stops, moaning into Ryan’s mouth and writhing under his touch. Ryan’s hands started moving up and he began pulling Matt’s shirt up frantically. Got him. Matt bit Ryan’s lower lip gently before pulling back, smirking down at him.

“What’s wrong, angel?” Ryan breathed out as his hands gilded back down to Matt’s ass. Ugh, that’s the sweetest one yet. Matt almost forgot all about his plan. He leaned forward and nipped at Ryan’s ear before answering.

“Nothing, daddy.” Matt whispered warmly. After the words left his mouth, Ryan stilled under him briefly before exhaling shakily. Matt felt him swallow hard, and tilted down to quickly bite Ryan’s neck before sitting up straight again. He had his eyes closed and Matt pulled back on his hair gently. Brown eyes dark with want met Matt’s. “Hm, that’s good to know…” Matt mimicked Ryan’s tone from earlier and licked his lips. Ryan’s gaze dropped to watch him do so as he spoke.

“Say it again.” Ryan growled and Matt pulled his hair harder than before, cocking his head down at Ryan questioningly with a small smirk. Matt adored watching Ryan like this, loved when he was horny enough to be needy. Ryan’s eyes slipped close again and he nodded quickly. “Baby, it’s so hot, please.” Matt hummed lowly as both of his hands slipped down at Ryan’s chest.

“You’re too easy, dude.” Matt teased and pushed back, moving out of Ryan’s reach quickly, before settling on the end of the bed. “I will later, when I’m done filming!” he winked before sliding off the bed entirely. Ryan groaned as he made his way to the closet. He was rooting through the closet when he heard Ryan getting up. Then his arms were wrapped around Matt.

“Stay in bed with me, babe.” Ryan mumbled, his forehead resting on Matt’s shoulder. “C’mon, it’s my day off.” He kissed Matt’s shoulder. Matt grabbed some clothes and snorted at the request. It’s his own fault. Ryan’s good habits, like going to class and actually finishing assignments, had rubbed off on Matt. Two weeks ago Matt wouldn't have even left the bed in the first place.

“Yeah, a whole day off, dude. I’ll be back in a couple of hours, max.” Matt turned to face Ryan with a grin. A small part of him hoped Ryan would go back to bed, wait for Matt to get home. Because, and Matt hated himself for this, it made him anxious to go out with Ryan. Matt worried the entire time that people could tell they were together. It was fucking irrational, and he knew that, but it was the reason. It felt more comfortable when it was just the two of them. Ryan made a face at Matt’s response.

“Fucking fine… I’m gonna help you though.” Ryan griped before pressing a kiss into Matt’s cheek. “Y’know I like your projects more than mine.” He sidestepped to grab his own clothes. Matt frowned at the comment but didn't push any further, instead going to change into a pair of jeans and a dark green sweater. It was finally starting to get colder on campus and Matt loved it. He walked up behind Ryan after he was dressed and folded himself over the shorter man.

“I like your projects too, Ry.” Matt said, words muffled against his neck. Ryan laughed and the vibrations made Matt smile.

“You like cool hacker shit, man. Not the data structuring or discrete math.” Ryan said and Matt scoffed.

“What even makes it discrete?” He asked and Ryan laughed again, Matt giggled too.

“Fuck if I know, I don’t even think the professor knows.” Ryan said and Matt snorted before pulling back to grab his camera and glasses. Slipping them on before making his way to the door, with Ryan following behind him. Matt opened the door and started leaving when Ryan stopped him, looping a finger though one of his belt loops.

“You goo-” Ryan kissed him, hard, and brought his hands up to his hair. Matt made a surprised noise that turned into a hum. Matt pulled away first and smiled down at Ryan. He wondered if kissing him would ever get boring. Ryan looked down and frowned a little.

“Just wanted to kiss you before I couldn’t.” Ryan explained, and Matt forced a smile, fighting against the guilt flooding his system.

“Let’s watch another movie from your list tonight, your pick.” Matt said softly, and Ryan looked up at him with a smile, nodding. Then they were off to make their own, much shittier, much shorter semi-movie.

________________

Ryan watched as Matt tried to fit every snack, drink, and candy he wanted in his hands instead of in a basket. He did this every time they went to 7/11 and usually ended up dropping at least one item while trekking through the store. Ryan went over to help him grab some pringles he was struggling to get a hold of. Matt scrunched his nose up at the gesture and Ryan went to grab more of his items.

“You eat like shit, Matt.” Ryan said as he took stock of what Matt had picked out so far, noticing some of his own favorites in there as well. Ok, maybe they both did. Matt sent a withering look his way.

“Um, you also eat like shit, Ryan.” Matt said as he started walking towards the front. “At least I don’t drink milk like it’s water.” Ryan snickered and followed him to check out. Ryan asked for a pack of cigarettes and went to pay, but Matt waved him off with a smile. He wasn’t gonna complain, but Matt paid constantly, it made him feel bad. Ryan lit up one for the short walk back and Matt pushed up his glasses before frowning at the action.

“You gotta cut back, man.” Matt said and started eating the pringles he had just bought as he did. Ryan took an especially long drag and shrugged. Matt shook his head and tsk’d. “Whatever, do what you want. I’m not gonna kiss a smoker, though...” He smirked down at Ryan. It was the emptiest of threats, though, and Ryan took a shorter drag before pointing out that fact.

“C’mon Matty, you kiss me after smoke breaks all the time.” Ryan said and Matt blushed a little.  
Ryan was starting to suspect Matt had a thing for it. He always kissed him right after smoke breaks and it wasn’t a chaste, sweet kiss either; it was like Matt was trying to taste as much of the smoke as he could. Matt didn’t deny the fact and ate some more chips. Ryan took another drag, enjoying the chill the air got at sunset.

“Thanks for the help, dude. You, well, I rea- um, you just make it more fun. Like, y’know, projects and shit.” Matt said quietly, and Ryan could see him overthinking, because it was hard to miss.

“Yeah, I getcha, we make a good team.” Ryan said just as quietly. He went to hook their pinkies together and Matt shook his head. Stepping away from Ryan before frowning down at the pavement. Oh, yeah. Ryan wasn’t used to being with someone who liked PDA less than him, slipping up still sometimes.

It didn’t help that Matt seems like the PDA type; super touchy feely, little to no boundaries, could care less who he offended. Ryan noticed the change after they hooked up, like all of a sudden it wasn’t ok because now it was gay. Matt said it wasn’t that but, come on, it’s South Carolina. Ryan had a pretty good idea why Matt seemed to kinda hate himself for liking guys. Ryan took a pull of his cigarette, letting out the smoke before stepping over to Matt. The pair were as close as they were before.

“Shit, my bad man, totally forgot to say no homo.” He joked quietly and Matt snorted, his shoulders relaxing a little more. “How ‘bout we start saying that ‘fore we fuck so it ain’t sinnin’ no more?” Ryan put on an accent and Matt laughed a little, but sounded kinda bitter. He was still looking down at his feet.

“Fuck off, Ryan, I can’t help my upbringing.” Matt said tensely. Ryan pinched his side lightly, just enough to get a reaction. Matt jumped and finally looked up to give him a dirty look. Ryan chuckled and took a drag of his cigarette before responding.

“I was raised religious too, I get it. Worst singer in my church choir for seven goddamn years, dude.” Ryan said with a smile and Matt had a weird look in his eyes. One Ryan hadn’t seen before. He looked down at the ground again and sighed heavily before walking a little faster. They were close to the building now and Ryan had a feeling that wasn’t exactly the right thing to say. “C’mon, I’m just messing with you!” Matt wasn’t super far ahead but he reached the stairs first, climbing up a few before stopping. Ryan stood at the bottom of them, waiting for Matt to look at him.

“Well, I’d like it if you didn’t mess with that shit, man.” Matt said after he turned to face Ryan, sounding sad more than angry. Ryan nodded a little and he went to climb the stairs, but Matt put his hands up and shook his head. “Just... finish your cigarette, I’ll be upstairs.” Matt turned to finish climbing the steps. Ryan wanted to say something but couldn’t find the right words. He went to take a drag but his face screwed up when the smoke hit his throat. Something about the way Matt’s request sounded made the taste awful. He stood there for a minute or two just to give Matt some time alone before making his way up the stairs to their floor. Opening the door slowly, he tried to quietly make his way inside.

“Sorry babe, I’m a dick. I shouldn’t have pushed it.” Ryan said after he closed the door, looking down at Matt. He snorted and made a face, sitting on the couch in just his sweater now. He clicked through some menus on the TV.

“God, are we a babe couple now? They’re so annoying at parties.” Matt said, turning to look at Ryan with a small smile before looking back at the TV. He didn’t seem angry... maybe he just wanted to make a point?  
Ryan laughed at the comment and started taking off his hoodie, just going along with it. Matt would tell him when he was ready to.

“Well babe, we’d be a pretty annoying couple.” Ryan joked as he walked over to pick out a movie, one he thought Matt would like just in case he was secretly in a super bad mood. When he turned around Matt had his knees to his chest, looking up at him with a worried expression. “Shit, sorry, did you wanna talk about all that? We don’t have to watch a movie.” He walked over, sitting on the other side of the couch. Matt shook his head. And for someone who couldn’t stand silence, Matt sure did clam up whenever things got serious. Matt shuffled over and put his legs over Ryan’s, arms wrapping around them.

“I know we aren’t a couple couple, ok? I was just fucking with you, dude.” Matt said, sounding genuinely concerned. Ryan blinked down at him for a second before realizing what the problem actually was.

“Jeez, you scared me! I thought you were pissed at me.” Ryan sighed and smiled down at him. Matt straightened up a little more and frowned slightly. Ryan reached out and held his face, squishing it a little. “Yeah, so, I said fuck labels or whatever. Wanna know why?” Matt nodded a little and blushed lightly.

“Cause you were stressing about it, dude. It’s not because I’m fucking scared of them.” Ryan was lying through his teeth. But if Matt knew that, he would go from kinda worried to full blown freaking out. Besides, Ryan didn't wanna talk about his own problems- sure it was fucking hypocritical- and Matt made it easy not to. He got this adorable smile on his face before making a frustrated noise.

“So of course I’m stressing about not having a label, cause I love being stressed out!” Matt said sarcastically and turned so he could put his head in Ryan's lap, looking up with tired eyes. “My brain is such a mess, Christ...” Ryan dipped forward to kiss him firmly. He hummed happily into it. Ryan pulled away to speak.

“I like your messy brain, I like you.” Ryan said softly, and Matt practically melted, “I like like you.” Matt made a face up at Ryan before laughing.

“Sorry, I think I missed the part where we were still in high school, dude.” Matt joked and Ryan poked Matt in the ribs.

“You’re acting real high and mighty for only graduating from high school, uh, six months ago...?” Ryan joked and then that fact actually hit him. Damn, Matt was still a teenager. Ryan was only two years older than him, but all of a sudden Ryan got a pit in his stomach. Apparently his face betrayed his newfound worry because Matt poked him back, smile turning sly.

“Aww Ry, you feeling old?” Matt teased and laughed lightly.

“I’m only twenty, babe.” Ryan scoffed.

“Yeah, and I’ll be nineteen soon, so chill out. You aren’t a creep.” Matt said firmly and pulled Ryan into another kiss. Ryan felt a little better but still put a hand on Matt’s chest to stop him.

“But I’m gonna be twenty one right aft-” Ryan’s brain was really stuck on this for some reason. He just didn’t like taking advantage of anyone, especially Matt. But before he could finish his thought Matt pulled him back down again, slipping his hands up to grab Ryan’s hair before moaning into the kiss. It was over exaggerated and obviously fake, but Ryan couldn't help but grab his shoulders in response. Matt opened his mouth more and Ryan lost track of whatever he was worrying about. When Matt pulled away, his smile was more devious before he blinked up at Ryan innocently. It was put on and Ryan knew that, but it wasn't helping Matt’s case.

“Guess you wouldn’t want me to call you Daddy then, Ry...” Ryan had forgotten about earlier and felt his skin heat up at the name. Fuck. He didn’t even know he was into that until Matt said it. Ryan moved to pull him up into his lap and Matt laughed at it breathily before the sound was cut off with another kiss. When Matt moaned this time it was much quieter and more genuine, tilting his face before wrapping his arms around Ryan’s neck. Making out usually wasn’t his thing but with Matt it was always great- partly because the smaller man was so noisy even when his mouth was busy. He let his hands slip off Ryan’s neck and down his chest, drifting dangerously low. Ryan hummed in surprise and pulled Matt back.

“Thought we were gonna watch a movie?” Ryan breathed and Matt closed his eyes, whining a little.

“Ugh, can I at least blow you during the movie?” Matt asked and Ryan laughed.

“But I picked it out just for you! If you don’t pay attention I’ll be too annoyed to cum.” Ryan joked, holding up the DVD he had put on the couch arm. Matt smiled at the title.

“I wanna say some stupid shit about how that sounds like a challenge, but that's actually really sweet.” Matt said, getting that syrupy, surprised tone he got whenever Ryan did something even vaguely considerate. It made Ryan’s heart flutter but also made him worry. Matt didn’t seem to expect people to be kind or considerate- which was weird, because he had met Matt’s friends in passing and they all seemed like good guys. Ryan would probably never meet his parents, but had a feeling It’d explain a lot of things. He handed the DVD to Matt, and he got up to put it in the player. The movie was probably on some sort of streaming service, but Ryan got really sentimental about things and liked collecting stuff. He had started buying movies he knew Matt liked, just so he could… have them... Matt came back and layed on his side, putting his head on Ryan’s lap before he could move.

“Why do I have to sit up?” Ryan grumbled.

“Cause, if we spoon we’re gonna end up fucking and I wanna focus.” Matt said very matter of factly. Ryan knew it was true, so he held his hands up in concession before bringing them down to play with Matt’s hair. Matt clicked play and relaxed further into the couch. They were quiet as the beginning played, then Matt piped up.

“I like like you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thx 4 reading! Also i am gay, so i base a lot of the internalized shit on how i feel most the time. Eek.


	13. Come On, Before The Moments Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan doesn't like going out but Matt can make anything fun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the kudos and comments y'all omg!! I'm glad other people like what i write <3 this chapters a lot of lead up so i'm sorry

Two of Ryan’s professors had told him to not try and tackle programming a game for his first big portfolio project, but apparently, he enjoyed suffering. And staring at a screen for hours. The guys on Scratch Studios made it look so easy... Yeah it was kind of a dumb thing to choose, but he didn’t wanna make a chat service or a program that did basic math, it didn’t do anything for him. If Ryan was gonna get a ‘useful’ degree, he was gonna try and have as much fun as possible. Unfortunately, creating a game was not as fun as he had hoped.

A new song started playing and the bass from it made his headphones vibrate a bit. Well, his new headphones. The ones Matt had bought for him just because. His reasoning was that the ones Ryan had before were ‘too old, dude’ and Matt thought of him while he was record shopping with his friends in town. Ryan smiled at the thought of him and how cute his reasoning was. He felt bad he couldn’t get gifts for Matt, at least not gifts like nice headphones. Ryan paid when they went out to eat, but they both preferred crappy diners and fast food, so it wasn't really the same as paying for some overpriced five star shit. He felt bad, but the headphones made the music sound great, and the playlists Matt makes for him help work seem less like, well, work.

Without warning, Matt situated himself in Ryan’s lap, awkwardly draping himself over the older man. He pushed his glasses up as he looked up at the screen, and slipped one of his hands around Ryan’s shoulders. It found its way to his hair. Ryan wasn’t even startled by his sudden presence, Matt had surprised him while he was working too many times at this point. He leaned into the touch a little and hummed a greeting. It was almost scary, at least to Ryan, now natural it felt to be so comfortable with each other. He kissed Matt’s shoulder but let his music keep playing, scrolling through the framework to familiarize himself with it. Matt moved his hand from Ryan’s hair and clicked something on the headphone, pausing the music, before going back to playing with it.

“What’re you workin’ on, dude?” Matt asked, looking down at Ryan.

“Big portfolio project, making a game.” Ryan replied quickly and then went to play his music again. Matt stopped him, looking slightly offended by the action.

“I haven't seen you all day! Tell me about your game, stud.” Matt said, and Ryan stifled a laugh at the stud part. All the jokey pet names Matt called him sounded like he found them in a Buzzfeed article or something.

“It’s not even a game yet! Just some pre-built framework I found, I’m not even entirely sure what I’m doing, man.” Ryan said, sounding frustrated because he was, before leaning back into the chair a little more, moving his arms so Matt didn’t slide off in the process. He made a surprised noise and then relaxed into said arms. It was really sweet, and Ryan would love to say fuck work so he could spend time with Matt, but y’know-- being a mature adult and all that jazz.  
“Which means I have to get back to work. Alone.” Matt huffed softly and then put on a faux concerned expression.

“You’ll work way too hard if I'm not here, I gotta save you from yourself, y’know.” Matt said, and took Ryan’s face in his hands before squishing it. They looked at each other very seriously for a beat before Matt broke and started laughing. Ryan laughed too and shook his head out of Matt’s grasp.

“C’mon, you’re distracting me dude, seriously I have to work.” Ryan said firmly. Matt grinned deviously before getting up and lowering himself down between Ryan’s knees. He slipped his glasses up before leaning into Ryan’s thigh, looking up at him.

“Mm, I didn’t realize I was distracting you.. ’m sorry Ryan.” Matt said sweetly and smirked up at Ryan. He shook his head down at Matt.

“Nope, not gonna work.” Ryan said, although the sight was tempting. He wondered if Matt would be able to focus on anything if he was down there blowing him instead. He had blown Matt a few times but couldn’t be quite as, uh, enthusiastic as him because of his gag reflex. It didn't seem to bother Matt though, and the way he sounded made the discomfort worth it. Ryan felt his face get a little hot at the image but Matt didn’t seem to notice. Too caught up in not getting his way while moving his hands further up Ryan’s thighs.

“You know I like it when you’re withholding, daddy.” Matt said, voice getting a little tighter. Ryan put his hands on Matt’s and shook his head again. Matt didn’t make refusing him easy, though Ryan felt the heat in his face traveling lower. God, it was only gonna be harder to focus now. He wouldn't let this go anywhere, but wanted to tease Matt a little; it’s only fair.

“Stop being such a brat, Matthew.” Ryan growled down at him and Matt’s eyes got wide, his face getting a little pink. He nodded up at Ryan quickly, licking his bottom lip as he did. Ryan laughed a little at the immediate reaction and pushed the chair back, moving away from Matt.

“Have fun jerking off, dude.” Ryan grinned down at Matt. He rolled his eyes and then stood up, throwing himself on the couch with a dramatic sigh.

“Ugh, you’re such a dick.” Matt said from his spot on the couch. Ryan didn’t turn around to face him but also didn’t play his music yet. It was quiet for a moment. “Are you actually busy? Cause I was sorta hoping you'd come to this party with me tonight…” his voice was softer now.

“I hate parties, you know that.” Ryan mumbled half heartedly.

“Yeah I know, but remember you said ‘Fine, Matty I’ll go out with you next time’’” Matt said, doing a shitty impression of Ryan. “I picked a fun party and my friends wanna like, meet meet you, I don’t know…” Ryan turned to look at him and Matt was on his stomach, hands and head on the end of the couch. He was conflicted, Matt could make anything more fun, but parties were really not his thing. His friends in high school had stopped inviting Ryan out at some point because he kept bringing books or his Gameboy. Apparently his apprehension showed in his face, because Matt sighed dramatically before nodding up at him. He got up and made his way over to the desk before pressing a kiss into his cheek lightly.

“I’ll 'prolly be home before you’re done,” Matt said, and Ryan knew that wasn’t true, but it was cool. “and I’ll answer when you call this time, kay? You big baby.” He better answer, Ryan thought, and turned to press their lips together briefly.

“You’re the best... next time I’ll go, I promise.” Ryan said when they parted and Matt waved him off before making his way over to the closet, Texting at the same time. Ryan finally played his music again and brought his attention back to the screen. Matt moved around in his peripheral and Ryan thought about glancing over but didn’t wanna get distracted again. He got lost in the music and the process of adding edits to the code.

Ryan glanced up at the clock and it had been awhile. Had Matt left without saying goodbye? Was the kiss a goodbye kiss? Damn, Ryan was getting soft. Just for Matt though. Maybe Matt was more bummed about Ryan not going with him than he let on and just dipped. He frowned at the thought and paused his music, just to check. There were multiple voices in the room now, with laughs in-between. He recognized Harrison, Tucker, and Jackson’s voices, having met them briefly when they came to hang out with Matt or pick him up.

“Ok, yeah laugh it up assholes, I know I look fucking ridiculous! I’m not wearing this out though.” Matt said before laughing himself.

“No, dude, you have to! It’s perfect for the party, I’m telling you, trust me.” Jackson said, and the other two joined in with encouragement.

“Super sexy, Matty, I’d do you.” Tucker snickered.

“Oh! Wear your contacts man, that would be,” Harrison paused and made a chef’s kiss noise, “perfect.”

“God no, I’m gonna look so gay.” Matt whined but he didn’t sound opposed to the idea. Ryan wanted to turn around but felt bad for eavesdropping, and if he was being honest with himself, he wanted to wait till Matt put his contacts in first. Ryan loved his glasses, but Matt’s eyes were really pretty with contacts in.

“Uh, you’re boyfriends right there dude.” Tucker said and Matt made a noise of protest.

“He’s not my boyfriend, Tucker!” Matt said, actually sounding offended now, and the other boys laughed again.

“Oh, I’m sorry Matt, you’re right, he’s just your roommate you suck off all the time. My mistake.” Tucker said with a faux apologetic tone. Matt sputtered and Ryan felt his face get a little hot at the comment. He didn’t know they knew… that much.

“TUCKER! That’s-” Matt started and then started laughing, trying to talk through it, “so gross, don’t say that man.”

“It’s true…” Tucker mumbled.

“I didn’t say it wasn’t true, now did I?” Matt joked and then laughed again. Ryan almost turned around to argue his case but stopped himself, trying to pull his attention back to the screen. But that was almost impossible now. The other boys chucked and then there was a beat of silence.

“Fuck, fine, I’ll go put my contacts in!” Matt conceded. “I’ll be right back.” Then the door opened and closed. Ryan slipped his headphones off and turned around to face the other three boys in the room. They looked at him and then glanced at each other before snickering.

“You curious, man?” Jackson asked, raising an eyebrow. Ryan shrugged and leaned back into the chair a little more. Tucker waved his hand at Ryan with a smirk.

“My idea, by the way.” Tucker joked and Ryan nodded. He could tell when Matt actually didn't like something at this point, because months of taking bits too far will do that, and knew he didn't actually mind whatever he had been wearing.  
“There’s this very fun shop in town called Candies, Jackson and I found the other night.”

“Oh yeah, ‘found’.” Harrison quipped and Jackson punched his arm lightly. Ryan laughed lightly and sat up when the door opened. Matt walked in, rubbing at his eyes as he did.

“I always forget why I don’t wear these, shit hurts.” Matt complained as he made his way towards his friends. “Also, is this party gonna be outside? Cause if so I’m gonna be cold as fuck.” He stopped and looked up, locking eyes with Ryan. Matt rolled his eyes.

“I was gonna say bye before I left, Ry, don’t worry.” Matt assured and his friends snickered at the comment while keeping their eyes on Ryan.

Ryan couldn’t really care though, because Matt was wearing the tightest jean shorts he had ever seen. He already wore skinny jeans every day, and his ass looked great in those, Ryan wanted to see more. His shirt was white and almost see through, but even if it wasn’t, the v went down way further than it had to, and it was too small. Matt’s midriff showing a little more than it usually did in his band tees. His hair was messy like it was after Ryan had been pulling it, and his blue eyes were shining. Probably because his contacts hurt, but it was way too similar to how they looked after he had a dick down his throat.

Ryan tried to control his expression, but Jesus Christ, he looked really fucking good. Ryan was debating taking him up on his offer from earlier so he'd stay in, but they were way past that by now. Matt looked a little confused and then seemed to remember himself.

“I know I look weird, blame these fuckers.” Matt said, and cocked his head towards the boys. They were all looking at Ryan with this knowing look that he didn’t completely appreciate. Ryan glanced up to glare at them and they snickered. Matt walked up to him and Ryan really wished it was just them right now. He’d kill to have Matt in his lap again.

“N-no, you don’t look weird.” Ryan forced out, cursing himself for stuttering. Matt scrunched up his nose and ruffled Ryan’s hair.

“Jeez, you’re a bad liar, man.” Matt muttered softly. Ryan couldn’t tell if he was trying to act innocent or if Matt could truly be this naive sometimes. Both were hot to Ryan for some fucked up reason. He got a surge of confidence and hooked a finger into one of the belt loops on the shorts, pulling Matt forward gently. Matt looked at him pointedly, cocking his head back at his friends.

“You look real good, Matthew, I promise.” Ryan said, trying to sound as casual as he could. He looked up at Matt and smirked. The skinnier man blushed and shook his head down at him with a small smile.

“Holy shit, get a room guys.” Harrison called out, and Matt turned to look at him. Ryan took the break from eye contact to let his eyes scan Matt’s body. A jealous pit formed in his stomach at the thought of anyone else doing the same. It was still a very new and weird feeling to Ryan, and it always made him do shit impulsively.

“This is my fucking room, Harry!” Matt retorted, flipping off Harrison. Harrison laughed at the gesture and then shrugged.

“Whatever man, kiss your boyfriend goodbye and let's bounce.” Harrison said and Matt nodded, turning back to Ryan. Before he could say anything Ryan spoke. His body speaking instead of his brain.

“I’ll go with you guys. Sounds fun...” Ryan said and Matt looked down at him, confused. Behind him Tucker snickered and then mined sucking a dick, Harrison held a thumbs up to him, and Jackson rolled his eyes at Tucker.

“But, you’re busy with projects and parties make you anxious. I’m sorry I was an asshole earlier, don’t wanna force you, dude.” Matt said, soft enough that the others couldn’t hear him. Ryan stood up in front of Matt instead of responding, suddenly self conscious about his gray sweatpants and black sweatshirt combo next to the taller man. But, uh… it was either this, his work uniform, church clothes, or gym shorts instead of sweatpants so… this was as good as it was gonna get.

“Eh, getting out will... “ Ryan trailed off when he realized it wouldn’t do anything other than giving him an excuse to hang around Matt in this outfit. “...be good for me?” He didn’t even sound convincing to himself. Matt eyed him suspiciously, and Jackson spoke up before Matt could.

“Cool, glad we can help- let’s gooooo!” Jackson groaned, making his way to the door, Harrison and Tucker following suit. Ryan started walking towards the door before Matt could stop him, and the smaller man followed suit instead of arguing back. Ryan was in the hall and didn’t hear the sound of the door shutting so he glanced back, a little confused at the sight behind him. Matt was zipping up one of Ryan’s hoodies and threw the hood up before he blinked up at Ryan. He laughed as he walked out the door and shut it behind him.

“C’mon man, like I’d let our neighbors see me like that.” Matt mumbled and Ryan shrugged, he went to grab Matt’s hand and the younger man moved back. Matt frowned down at him and then looked down the hall when his friends started laughing together. His expression got a little bittersweet before he briefly fell in step with Ryan.

“Thanks for coming, Ry, it’ll be more fun with you.” Matt mumbled to him before kissing his cheek quickly, his smile tight when he looked at Ryan again. Then he ran up to put his arms around Tucker and Jackson, slipping back into being goofy, funny, Matt Watson. Ryan walked a little faster to join the group. It was gonna be a long night.

_______________________

Ryan was slightly surprised Matt was willing to wear what he did at all considering he did look more... gay. It wasn't the word Ryan would have used, but Matt had. Once they got to the party, however, Ryan understood why it wouldn’t be a problem. After walking in, Ryan got some lingering glances and even winks from guys who were walking through the crowded space. Matt had shed his hoodie while Ryan looked around the living room and then grabbed his hand to lead him to the kitchen. He looked down at their clasped hands, surprised at the affection considering they weren't at home. It felt good, he wished it was always this normal and uncomplicated. The kitchen was a mess and the island was covered in things to mix drinks with. Matt leaned against the counter and lazily scanned his eyes down Ryan’s body.

“You better tone down that whole…” Matt started, putting his hands on Ryan’s chest before continuing, “...hot, straight… fuck boy vibe you have going on before some guy steals you.” Ryan tried to process the fact that he had a hot ‘vibe’ and that Matt thought he’d let one of those guys ‘steal’ him away at the same time. Not to mention the fact that Matt was being very touchy and didn't seem to care. It was a lot to take in, in addition to being at a party, and Ryan tried to focus less on being anxious, choosing instead to focus on how good Matt looked, how his hands felt better when they were out, and playing into the ‘vibe’ he supposedly had. Ryan rolled up his sleeves before pushing Matt back gently into the counter behind him, placing his hands on either side of him. Matt didn't frown or step away or look ashamed. Instead he was smirking down at Ryan and moved his hands lower down the larger man’s chest. Seeing Matt so comfortable made Ryan feel less anxious. He didn't look up at Matt, opting to look at his body instead.

“You’re a tough act to beat, baby, especially looking like that.” Ryan said in a low tone and Matt licked his lips. “I’m kinda curious to see how far you’d go to keep me interested though…” Ryan looked up at him now, not entirely knowing where that came from, but considering Matt was blushing, it seemed like the right thing to say. And… maybe it would keep Matt away from other guys, that jealous pit in his stomach being joined by a possessiveness. It felt wrong, Matt didn’t belong to him. They weren’t even dating. Ryan was glad he was feeling more lately, it had been a very welcome change, but the jealousy and possessiveness were kinda hard to deal with.

“Let’s have some drinks and see what happens.” Matt said softly. Ryan didn’t plan on drinking, but maybe It’d help him loosen up more. He nodded and turned back to the island, taking stock of all of the options. Jackson walked up, rubbing his hands together.

“Your usual, Matty?” Jackson asked, grabbing a couple of bottles before Matt responded. Matt laughed from behind Ryan.

“God, you make me sound like an alcoholic or something,” Matt joked, “but, uh, make it two.” Ryan turned back to look at him and Matt gave him a thumbs up. “Jackson is a bartender at Dirty Dog, he makes our drinks wherever we go.” Ryan went to wrap his arm around his waist. Looking up at Jackson with a weary expression.

“Dude, that place is a hole.” Ryan said, remembering a date he had there.

“You’re telling me, man.” Jackson quipped, and there were a few moments of silence before he brought over the drinks. Matt beamed at Jackson before taking a long sip. Ryan took a smaller one and fuck, that was almost all alcohol. And what wasn’t alcohol was pure sugar. His face twisted up at the taste and Jackson laughed.

“Oh, sorry man, Matt drinks triples. Should have made yours weaker.” Jackson explained and Ryan shot a concerned look up at Matt. He was already drinking more and not batting an eye. When he saw Ryan’s eyes on him he stopped.

“Triples Matt?! God, you have a deceptively high tolerance.” Ryan said, and he truly didn't know. He wasn't a huge drinker himself and Matt usually wanted a break from it when they spent time together. Matt giggled, with a slightly higher tone than usual. Jackson joined in too and Ryan glanced between the two of them. He took another sip of his drink nervously and didn’t react as poorly this time.

“Matt’s tolerance is shit, dude.” Jackson said and Matt nodded down at Ryan, going to push where his glasses would be before realizing they weren’t there. Ryan laughed at the expression he made after poking the bridge of his nose.

“He- Yeah, I’m the lightest of light weights. I drink two of these and I’m fuckedddd up.” Matt explained before taking another sip, a dopey smile on his face when he looked down at Ryan. Ryan’s tolerance was pretty fucking high, two of these would get him buzzed at best. Without thinking, he chugged the entirety of the drink in his hands and tried to not gag. His eyes watered slightly. Matt goes to do the same and Ryan puts his hand on his arm.

“If you try and keep up with me you’ll pass out, dude.” Ryan explained and felt his body relax more. Matt blushed and leaned into Ryan, licking his lips. Oh yeah, that was a little demeaning. Matt and his kinks. Ryan turned to Jackson.

“Can you make me another one of those?” Ryan asked and Jackson nodded.

“One Watson special coming up.” Jackson quipped with a snicker. Ryan’s brow furrowed, the taste from the first one still in his mouth. It was too alcoholic, too sweet, and had a weird taste.

“What does he put in those?” Ryan asked Matt.

“Vodka, red bull, and mountain dew.” Matt said very matter of factly.

“Oh...kay.. Jackson, never mind. Never make me a Watson special again. I'll just have a jack and coke, with an extra shot of whisky on the side.” Ryan said and Jackson held out a thumbs up. Matt shrugged and took a small sip on his own drink. Ryan chuckled at him.

“To each their own, Ry.” Matt said. He wasn’t slurring but his voice had a very relaxed quality.

“You have lost the right to give me shit for smoking, Watson.” Ryan said and grabbed his drink from Jackson, tipping it all back in one go before he took the shot. Ok, time to try and keep up with Matt at a party. Easy.

________________________

Matt didn’t remember exactly how he had ended up in the backyard with Ryan, wearing his sweatshirt and watching him talk in between taking drags of his cigarette- but here they were. He wasn’t anywhere as drunk as he usually got at parties with his boys, but Ryan had been making him pace himself. Matt wasn’t complaining, every comment getting him more worked up.

Ryan was now wearing just a tank top and he had put his hair up. Matt kept glancing down at the slight outline of his dick in the sweatpants he was wearing. He hadn’t told Ryan how hot he thinks he is when he smokes because that would just make the habit worse, but everything about the situation was doing it for him. Ryan’s sweatshirt fell just below where his shorts stopped and it was so warm. It smelled so good.

“It’s bullshit, Matt! Seriously, my professors don’t even keep up with new programming languages and they drone on about outdated shit. What the fuck's the point of waking up at 6 AM three times a week!” Ryan was ranting about his classes and Matt was trying his very best to keep up. He had started ranting about this after he had ranted about some movie he saw recently that he didn’t like. Ryan never talked this much, that was usually Matt’s role. But it was cute, and hot, and sweet. Well, Ryan’s just cute and hot and sweet.

“I’m sorry, daddy.” Matt said in response, the ‘daddy’ part not entirely intentional. Ok, so Matt wasn't as drunk as he’d usually be, but he was pretty drunk. Ryan took a long drag on his cigarette.

“I’m torn between making out with you and telling you it’s not your fault.” Ryan slurred out, letting the smoke fall from his mouth lazily. Matt licked his lips and nodded at Ryan. Ryan laughed and Matt giggled in response, not entirely sure why. Once their laughter died down, Ryan put his cigarette out, moving closer to Matt and putting his hands under the sweatshirt to grab at Matt’s shorts, pulling him closer. Matt nodded again and exhaled shakily.

“Nodding isn’t really the answer I was looking for baby, so I guess it’s my choice.” Ryan said in a gruff tone and leaned in closer to Matt’s face. He didn’t move forward, letting Ryan take control. The older man tilted, opting to kiss Matt’s neck instead.

“Stop apologizing so much, babe, you’re lovely.” Ryan whispered and bit into Matt’s neck. Matt stifled a moan, but it came out as a whine. Ryan pulled away but kept him close. Matt wanted to be closer. Before he could express that, Ryan spoke again. “Call me that again.” His voice was tighter, more want in it. Matt cocked his head and smirked down at him.

“Daddy?” Matt said, it came out sounding more like a question than he intended. Ryan grunted and nodded.

“I never thought I’d be into that, dude.” Ryan breathed out, his hands moving to Matt’s waist, fingers digging into the skin there. Matt’s skin was burning. He was cold when they came out here, but now he just wanted to take all his clothes off.

“C’mon, let's go home, I-I wanna feel you...” Matt managed to get out, his mind slow and warm. He tried to rut into Ryan’s body but the older man stopped him easily. He was so strong, god.

“Mmm, there are people around, Matthew.” Ryan said, and fuck, that tone's not helping. Matt whined. “I can keep talking, though.” Matt nodded quickly and tried to stop his body from acting on its own accord. Self control was hardly his strong suit sober, let alone after some alcohol.

“You wanna know why I ended up coming tonight?” Ryan asked. Matt hummed in affirmation.

“I get so possessive, I don’t know why. I can’t stand the thought of anyone else making you act like this, squirm like this.” Ryan said, and moved one hand so it was resting over Matt’s dick, which was half hard at this point. Matt sucked in a breath. “You only cum for me, right?” His tone was rough as he started moving his hand. Matt doesn’t even care that there are other people around anymore, letting out a low moan. Apparently that answer doesn’t satisfy Ryan though. He removes his hands from Matt and looks up at him expectantly. Matt whines from the loss of touch and friction, nodding quickly.

“Y-Yes.” Matt breathed out and Ryan’s eyes got more hungry.

“Think you’re forgetting something, baby.”

“Yes, daddy.” Matt said, regaining his composure ever so slightly now that he wasn’t being physically teased. Knowing that Ryan was possessive, it made Matt feel so good. It was also making his body buzz. He needed to cum for him. Ryan pinched at the sweatshirt.

“Did you plan wearing that fucking outfit, Matty? Playing up that cute, virgin thing?” Ryan asked in a low tone. Matt shook his head no, he actually hadn’t. Ryan looked surprised. The surprise morphed into a sweeter expression. They just looked at each other for a few moments.

“I know you aren’t ready yet, but I can’t wait to fuck you. Wanna be real good for you.” Ryan said softly, more care in his voice. No pressuring or expectancy in his tone. Matt couldn’t help himself, he grabbed Ryan’s face and crashed their lips together. It was messy at first, their teeth bumping into each other before they got the rhythm right. When they pulled away and their eyes met, Matt could see want in Ryan’s eyes.

“Ah, home now- please.” Matt said, breathing heavily, before kissing Ryan again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> smut's comin' lolol! i like writing it now :,)  
> hope you enjoyed!! all comments are super appreciated <3


	14. I Know It’s Your First Time, But It Won’t Be Your Last

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt loses his virginity a second time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope y'all like my smut!!

Matt had tried, desperately, the entire cab ride over to get Ryan to continue making out with him. However, being the infuriatingly controlled person he could be, he instead just rested a hand on Matt’s inner thigh. He was very clearly horny but everytime Matt whined or tried to get in his lap or kiss his neck Ryan would mumble something about Matt being rude. And that the more he complained the slower he’d go one they got back home. Now though, Ryan was trying to unlock the door to their room and Matt had his hands on his chest. Touching wherever part of Ryan he could reach while pressing sloppy kisses into his neck, sucking lightly. Some distant and internalized part of his mind yelling at him to stop being so obvious, stop wanting to get fucked by a man, stop all of it. Matt wasn't listening to it tonight.

“Dude, it’s hard enough to unlock a door when you’ve been drinking without someone grinding into you.” Ryan complained, his voice rough. Despite his words he angled his head so Matt had more access to his neck. Matt hadn’t noticed he was grinding, but once he did he dropped his hand to tease along the hard length of Ryan’s dick. 

“You’re a smart guy, Ry, you can figure it out.” Matt hummed into Ryan’s ear before letting out a breathy moan, louder than he meant to. Ryan groaned under Matt’s touch and finally got the door open. He tried to stay as close as he could to Ryan as they walked in, kicking the door shut behind them. Once it was closed Ryan grabbed Matt’s hands roughly, not letting Matt move them anymore. Then he was being pinned against the door by his shoulders, with Ryan keeping space between them. Much to Matt’s dismay. He tried to wriggle out of Ryan’s grasp; knowing that it was impossible but also knowing that Ryan liked feeling bigger than Matt. He also knew if he ever didn’t want to do anything Ryan would stop, it was nice. Ryan exhaled harshly and closed his eyes before speaking. 

“I told you if you weren’t patient I was going to go slow.” Ryan said, but the tone of his voice betrayed the fact that he really didn’t want to. He opened his eyes and met Matt’s gaze, and yep - going slow right now seemed like hell. Matt pouted and struggled against Ryan’s hands a little more. Earning more strength from Ryan as he was pushed back more. It was hard enough that it hurt and Matt felt his dick jump at the small amount of pain. 

“We already went slow tonight, you were teasing me the entire time we were at that party. It wasn't even a party! It was just foreplay in public.” Matt babbled, knowing his complaints wouldn’t sway Ryan. The fact that they were being so obvious in front of people made Matt’s body burn. He willed himself to stop thinking about it, feeling his face heating up. Ryan noticed. 

“Didn’t know you liked it that much.” Ryan said, “Next time I’ll make you cum, teach you to stay quiet - you’re always so loud.” Matt nodded a little, whimpering at the image. He tried to tease Ryan back but it came out shaky. 

“I know y-you’re into it, dude.” Matt said and then Ryan’s hands weren’t holding him back anymore. Matt started kissing him before he could do anything about it. Ryan let out a surprised noise and it morphed into a groan when Matt pressed his dick into Ryan’s. He slipped his tongue into Ryan’s mouth and his hands into his hair. He felt Ryan slap his ass quickly before grabbing it. Matt grinded into Ryan a little harder at the sensation and let out a needy noise at the feeling. Ryan pulled back a little and sucked at Matt’s bottom lip, harder than he usually would. Matt whined at the pain and tried to kiss Ryan again when he pulled away more.

“You’re wearing, ah, way too much right now.” Ryan breathed out, letting his eyes run up the length of Matt’s body languidly. Matt swallowed hard and nodded, going to take off Ryan’s sweatshirt first. But, Ryan grabbed his wrist gently. “What’s the hurry, man?” He had a smug look on his face and Matt rolled his eyes at him. 

“You were the one that mentioned it!” Matt said and Ryan chuckled his protests. He walked back a few steps and sat on the couch, his leg’s spread a little wider than they usually were. Matt kept his eyes on the outline of his dick. The way he was sitting reminding him of how Ryan looked while Matt blew him. He got lost in his own head until he heard Ryan whistle. It was sorta demeaning and Matt hated himself for loving it. Ryan was smirking when he looked at his face again. 

“C’mon babe, you love being a cock tease. Give me a show.” Ryan said, putting his arms on the top of the couch. Matt admired the way his muscles tensed as he did. How was he a fucking programmer with arms like that? Jesus. They had both sobered up more on the drive over but the alcohol left in Matt’s system was helping to fight the embarrassment he was feeling. He had never stripped before and he was barely wearing anything anyway. It was helping but he still felt sort of dumb, he knew his wheelhouse was physical teasing and not all this shit. Ryan slipped off his shoes as he sat and waited, so Matt did the same. He tried to make it sexy though, in a goofy way, letting out little fake moans as he did it slowly. Ryan laughed and Matt stifled his own giggling. He felt more comfortable, Ryan was still snickering as Matt toyed with the hem of the sweatshirt. 

“Did you give me your sweatshirt because you wanted people to know I was yours?” Matt asked, not trying to sound sexy but instead trying to sound sweet and innocent. Ryan sure did like that for acting so weird about a two year age difference. Ryan stopped snickering and he almost looked surprised, but also super into it. The reaction gave Matt more confidence. He slipped off Ryan’s sweatshirt slowly, moving his body more than he had to while pulling it up. The top smelled like smoke and Ryan’s detergent when it slipped over Matt’s head, he hummed happily. Once it was off he threw it at Ryan gently. 

“Or because you were jealous of people looking at me like this?” Matt cocked his head a little as he asked, as if it was a genuine question. He knew that he was right when Ryan’s hands gripped the couch slightly. Matt never thought he’d be into people being jealous or possessive, he usually hated being tied down to anything. But something about being Ryan’s made his heart beat a little faster. 

“It’s because you were cold…” Ryan said quietly, obviously lying. Matt put his fingers on his hips before dragging them up, his own cold fingers against his hot skin made him shiver. It felt good, it felt better than it usually did knowing that someone was watching. Matt exhaled shakily and went slower as he got to the hem of the ridiculous V neck he was wearing.

“Mm, daddy, you’re so sweet.” Matt said as he moved away from the hem of the shirt and instead ran his hands up his chest. He let his eyes slip close as he attempted to get lost in his own touch. Imagining it was Ryan instead... and it could be if he would just get up and throw Matt onto the bed. Matt whimpered at the image and shifted as his dick jumped again, he was painfully hard but wanted to see this through. 

“Jesus, Matt.” Ryan groaned and Matt opened his eyes wide at him. Ryan’s skin was flush and he was holding the outline of his erection lightly. Matt let his gaze linger on Ryan’s hand and licked his lips, opened his mouth after he did. 

“You’re so hard... you’re going to be the first person to fuck me.” Matt breathed out shakily before blinking up at him. Ryan knew this, they had talked about it before, but he still looked absolutely wrecked by the reminder. Matt fought a smirk and instead started taking off his shirt, wanting to go slow now. Once he had it off he slipped two of his fingers into his mouth, sucking at them softly. He undid the button on his shorts while Ryan was focused on his mouth. Matt took his fingers out of his mouth and went to brush them against his nipples, having to stifle the moan that it inspired. 

“Since you like going slow so much maybe I should f-fuck myself in front of you instead.” Matt said and the stutter was genuine. The idea sounded very appealing; watching Ryan jerk off while he fucked himself. Maybe Matt liked being in control than he thought. Ryan actually whimpered when he said this, and Matt liked that too. He’d never heard Ryan sound like that. He moved his hands down to undo the zipper on his shorts, sighing happily when his dick could finally fucking breathe again. Matt hooked his thumbs into the shorts and slid them down slowly, kicking them away once they were at his feet. Oh shit, he forgot that his super ‘awesome’ friends insisted he wear panties too. For reasons Matt could not entirely recall at the moment… and didn't care to since they were actually pretty comfortable. Pre-cum had stained the front of them a bit and Matt went to grab himself, wondering what the fabric would feel like. He let out a soft groan at the feeling, the satiny fabric adding to the sensation. 

“M-Matt…” Ryan said, voice shaky. Matt looked up to see him also stroking himself slowly, seeming like he wasn’t even fully aware of it. Eyes watching Matt’s actions intently. 

“Do I look good, Ryan?” Matt asked innocently. 

“Baby, come here.” Ryan begged, trying to sound dominant, his desperate tone not doing him any favors. But it did make Matt’s dick twitch a little in his hand, his grasp tightening more. He licked his lips before answering Ryan. Still feeling like he had the upper hand. 

“Make me.” 

And yeah, ok, they were clearly done with the strip show portion of Matt losing his virginity with how Ryan was looking at him now. His jaw set and his eyes mean in the best way. Ryan stopped stroking and stood up, walking over to Matt silently. Ah ok, that was a little intimidating. Matt’s dick throbbed in his hand because fuck, intimidating Ryan was super hot. Matt’s skin got hot at the idea of getting touched again when Ryan stopped in front of him. He was back in control now - Matt could feel the shift and swallowed hard. 

“Say that again.” Ryan growled out, reaching out to wrap his hands around Matt’s neck. Cutting off his circulation instead of his air flow and making Matt’s head swim. He started stroking himself faster at the sensation but Ryan used his other hand to stop Matt. Pulling his hand off entirely, Matt whined at the loss. 

“M-make me,” Matt answered, “please touch me, Ry. Hold me down, fuck me, cum inside of me.” The words tumbled out of him without much thought. They had both got tested after they hooked up the first time, it should have been before then but they were clean so it was OK. Matt knew it would be messy but wanted to feel Ryan cumming inside of him so badly. Ryan took his hand off Matt’s neck and slipped the panties down enough that his dick fell out. It was already slick and Matt buried his head in Ryan’s neck when the bigger man’s hand started moving. 

“Ry- Feels so good, fuck.” Matt managed before he went to suck at Ryan’s neck. Ryan hummed in approval, whether it be for Matt’s noises or the neck play or both - he didn’t care. Ryan swiped his thumb over Matt’s slit when he stroked up and Matt bit down a moan. Shaking his head into Ryan’s neck. “Fuck me… Now, ah, now o-or I’m gonna cum before you can.” He breathed out and lifted his head to nod at Ryan. “I’m ready, I promise…” Ryan's eyes got softer as he bit his lip, cocking his head towards the bed. 

“Lay down and get comfortable, kay? I’ll grab some lube.” Ryan said softly, his tone gentle and full of care now. Matt’s heart flutters and he forgets the situation for a second, just smiling down at Ryan. Ryan leans up and kisses his forehead, when he pulls back he slaps Matt’s ass lightly. Matt laughs breathily and nods, sitting down on Ryan’s mattress before settling back into the pillows. Ryan turns to go to the closet, opening Matt’s sock drawer. 

“Wait! I never told you that’s where I keep, uh, stuff.” Matt says and Ryan chuckles as he roots through the drawer, grabbing a bottle of lube. He snickers at something else he finds and lifts it up so Matt could see it. It was a dildo, and while it wasn’t huge it was pretty big (Matt had never been able to take the whole thing). His face burned at Ryan holding it. 

“You should ride me, Matty.” Ryan said, putting the dildo down and closing the drawer before walking over again. It didn’t sound like a joke and while he wanted Ryan to fuck him into the matress, that was probably not the best idea for a first time. Matt bit his lip and nodded up at Ryan as he slipped the panties off his body completely. They had both calmed down a bit and when Ryan went to take off his tank top off Matt whined. 

“Let me, c’mere.” Matt let his leg’s fall open a little more, his dick resting on his stomach. It was kinda hot that Ryan was still fully clothed and he was so exposed. The older man seemed to agree, his eyes scanning Matt’s body before he made his way on top of Matt. Dipping down to kiss at his jaw and cheeks. 

“You’re beautiful.” Ryan mumbled into Matt’s cheek, running his hand down Matt’s chest. He gasped softly and grinned up at Ryan. His hand kept moving down, making its way between Matt’s thighs. Teasing at the sensitive skin there as he pressed a kiss into Matt’s lips, who in response sighed comfortably. Relaxing more and more. When Ryan pulled away he rested on his knees so he could pull Matt forward by his hips. Matt made a surprised noise and then giggled, throwing his hand over his eyes. 

“You’re too much dude, oh god.” Matt continued to giggle and it got a little higher when Ryan’s hands returned to his inner thigh. Matt’s leg’s opened a little more and he bent his knee’s up, offering up more skin for Ryan to touch. He let out a shaky breath and Matt moved his hand so he could look at him. “What’s wrong?” He asked and Ryan was looking down at his body as he responded. 

“Nothing, I’m just… I like looking at you, man...” Ryan said softly and Matt bit his lip, trying not to tear up. Ugh, stupid emotions. He didn't feel like he was anything special to look all, way too skinny and sickly looking. Matt sat up so he could pull Ryan’s shirt off. Running his hands through his chest hair while he went to kiss his shoulder lightly. Matt moved so he could attempt to take off his pants. Ryan helped him and shuffled around to get them off completely. Matt should have known he hadn't been wearing underwear tonight with how obviously the outline of his dick had been. Matt pulled back and Ryan quickly captured his lips again, slipping his tongue in Matt’s mouth. He guided him back down onto the bed as he kissed him, his dick brushed against Matt’s thigh and the younger man moaned into the kiss. Ryan did the same and Matt felt him repeat the action again, and again, and - he made a noise of protest and hit Ryan’s side lightly. Ryan stilled and pulled back, eyes half lidded and breathing heavy. Matt shimmed down so he was lower on the bed, further under Ryan, and spread his legs again. Looking up expectantly.

“Yeah, yeah, sorry. I’ve just been hard for so long, I-” Ryan started saying and then stopped, shaking his head. He grabbed the bottle of lube with one hand and squirted some onto his fingers. Matt couldn’t help but tense up a bit, he let his head fall back and his eyes slip close. Feeling too vulnerable to look at anyone right now. Matt jumped slightly when Ryan started playing with his waist softly before shivering at the touch. It almost tickles but also sends a warm feeling through his body. Then the touch moves across his body, Ryan lets his finger tips graze over Matt’s dick softly. He lets out a shaky breath at the contact and then it’s gone, and Ryan’s hand is back at his inner thigh. His thumb making small, comforting circles into the soft skin there. Matt hums happily. 

He feel’s a finger circling his hole and gasps at the sensation. He had done this to himself before but Ryan’s fingers were thicker.. and it just felt different when someone else did. Once Matt gets used to it, though, he wants more. Wants Ryan to push into him a little, but Matt really can’t imagine asking for that right now; so instead he just let’s his body communicate the want. Circling his hips and swallowing hard at the sensation. The hand Ryan has on his thigh starts to grip as he slips his finger into Matt. Matt feels himself tense up and Ryan loosens his grip on his thigh, going back to rubbing the skin there softly. Then he feels kisses being pressed into his stomach lightly. Matt relaxes for a seconding before letting out a low whine when Ryan starts circling the finger up into him. Both of their breathing gets a bit more uneven as it fills the space. Matt stifles a moan when Ryan brushes against his prostate lightly and - ugh - it's not enough he wants more. He whines and Ryan’s hand stills. 

“You doin' ok?” Ryan asks softly and Matt nods quickly in response. 

“Y-yeah, more.. please.” Matt says, voice high and wavering. Ryan inhales sharply and pulls his fingers back. Matt bites down on his hand when he adds a second finger but doesn’t tense up. His body squirming again. Loving the feeling of being full. Matt let his eyes slip open, looking up at Ryan. He whines at the sight of him working his fingers into him and shakes his head, eyes pleading. Finding the right words seems impossible right now. Ryan’s eyes flutter close for a moment and he bites his lip before slipping his fingers in all the way. Matt throws his head back and shuts his mouth, trying to keep in the slew of noises that are trying to get out. He grinds down onto Ryan’s fingers, the pleasure now outweighing the pain. Ryan grips his thigh again and starts fingering up into Matt harder. He adjust to the feeling and then fuck, yeah, right there, keep going -- 

“God, Matt, you-u sound amazing.” Ryan gasps and focuses on the spot that made Matt lose control. Matt didn’t even realize he was saying all of that outloud. When Ryan picks up the speed Matt can feel pre-cum leaking from his dick and speaks up. 

“More, fuck.. Ah… Ryan…” It feels so much better than when he fingers himself. “More, more, m-mo-”Ryan pulls his fingers out and Matt all but sobs. Wanting him back inside of him again. Ryan is breathing heavily and he is holding the base of his dick. 

“You’re so fucking hot, I’m- I- mm can you ride me, baby?” Ryan pants out and then looks up. “If that’s too much I unde-” Matt doesn’t let him finish, surging forward to kiss him roughly. He wraps his hand around the one on Ryan’s dick and Ryan loosen’s his grip. 

“Lay down - now.” Matt grits out after pulling away and Ryan obliges, changing places with Matt. He drinks in the sight of Ryan laying there, his dick red and throbbing. Matt can’t help but lick a stripe up the length. Ryan’s hands grip at his hair roughly and pull him back, choking back a moan. 

“Jesus, M-Matt. You’re the one that wanted me to cum in your ass, remember..?” Ryan says roughly and Matt wants nothing more. He grabs the bottle of lube and puts some in his palm, as well as a little on his own fingers. Matt rests on his knees, hovering over Ryan. Trying his best to not look awkward as he slicked up Ryan’s dick while opening himself up a little more. His fingers were longer than Ryan’s and he just wanted to be as comfortable as possible. Ryan hissed when Matt touched him and he was trying to stroke as lightly as he could. He took his fingers out of himself and wiped his hand on the bed. Ryan pulled a face at the action; but it was replaced by a lusty, hungry look when Matt positioned his dick against his ass and began slowly lowering himself down onto it. Ryan reached out and grabbed Matt’s hips, not pushing him down but gripping them tightly. He opened his mouth to speak but it only came out as a low moan. He was mumbling curses and words that Matt could barely hear. Feeling Ryan inside of him, stretching him more, and the sounds he was making spurred Matt on. He bit his lip, fighting against the initial pain to take Ryan deeper; clenching at the feeling. Ryan’s mumbling gets loud enough that Matt can hear it. 

“You’re so tight, mm, jesus. It feels so good - you feel - oh god.” Ryan moans and he’s never been this gone before, usually able to string together some sort of nasty comment even when he was about to cum; Matt’s dick jumped at the effect this was having on him. He relaxed and bottomed out, rocking his hips a little as he adjusted to the feeling. The pain was dull enough that it amplified his pleasure. Matt let out an unsteady breath and went to pull up again, Ryan’s hand helping him. Pulling up only made him want to get the full feeling and soon enough he was fucking himself on Ryan’s dick. The rhythm was slower than Matt would like but it was hard, his thighs already getting sore. God, he needed to get healthier. It was too slow until Ryan thrusted up into Matt with a grunt. He groaned lowly at the feeling, the thrust harder and faster than the ones before. “Ahh, I’m sorry, fuck, just needed more.” Ryan forced out and Matt put his hands on top of the Ryan’s, his fingers still gripping into his hips. 

“Do that again, ple-ee, ah-” Matt cut himself off with another moan when Ryan did. “Fuck, d-deeper..” Matt was almost begging and Ryan growled before complying, thrusting up harder than before. Matt put his hands on the bed and leaned forward a little more to help him. He could feel Ryan’s dick brush his prostate with the new angle and --

“Ah! Fucking hell, right there yeah - faster, mm more- god damn, you’re good at this.” Matt babbled. “How do I-I feel, daddy?” Ryan was using his grip on Matt’s hips to try and comply with his request, before letting out a huff.

“Fucking fantastic, babe - but, hold up -” Ryan groans before slowing down a little. He moves his hands to the smaller man's shoulders and pulls him closer. Matt’s hips slide back more on their own and he buries his head into Ryan's neck to muffle a moan. That’s… fuck. “y-yeah, ah, that’s better.” Matt feels his slick dick slide between the pair and whimpers, realizing how close he is. Having gotten lost in the new sensation of having someone inside of him. 

“Say somethin’, be m-mean, daddy.” It slips out of Matt’s mouth without much thought and is muffled in the hot skin of Ryan’s neck. It's all hitting now, every thrust up into him. Fuck. Ryan being gentle and sweet was nice at first but he wanted him to be rougher now. 

“F-Fuck, ah ok, but next time I’m gonna be on top,” Ryan says and then grunts, “because you can’t even fuck yourself on my dick right.” Matt whimperers and nods his head quickly. 

“Yeah, yea...” Is all he can manage as his dick throbbed. Matt loved when Ryan was mean because he knew he didn’t mean it. He moaned loudly when Ryan hit his prostate hard. He was so, so close and apparently Ryan could tell. 

“Ah, I’d love to watch you cum just from my dick sometime, make you wait,” Ryan growled, his thrusting getting uneven and his voice wavering more, “because I-I know you can’t control yourself.” Ryan, the fast fucking learner he was, punctuated it with deep trust, pressing his dick hard into where he now knew Matt’s prostate was. He whimpered and then his noises got uncontrollable as he felt himself cumming. It was all too much in the best way. Ryan fucked him through it but the thrusts were more gentle. When Matt started coming down from his orgasm he pulled up. Seeing his cum on Ryan’s chest and brown eyes looking up at him hazily. Matt licks his lips at the sight and pull’s Ryan up to kiss him gently. Remembering that Ryan is still hard inside of him when he shudders at the kiss before thrusting into him a little harder. Matt pulls back and motions to the bed behind him. 

“Cum inside me, Ry.” Matt says, his tone warm and his words slightly slurred. Ryan moves with Matt as he lays back, putting his hands on Matt’s wrists. He smiles briefly at the feeling, going slack jawed when Ryan starts fucking him again. “Ah c'mon - you can fuck me anyway you like man...” Ryan groans and does as he’s told (how sweet), and moves to kiss Matt hard as he does. When he pulls back he makes that same whimpering sound, like he did earlier. 

“I’m so close, fuck, I-” Matt wraps his arms around Ryan’s neck and pulls him down again, kissing him gently before speaking up. Knowing Ryan loved dirty talk as much as he did. Even though he claimed to have ‘no kinks’. 

“You feel so good inside of me,” Matt said, his voice tired and sincere, “even after I’ve cum. I-I wanna get fucked against every surface in this room, mm, now.” Ryan nodded a little into Matt’s neck, his thrusts getting uneven again. “Mmm, I love when you cum in my mouth, you’re always so tightly wound - ah - it’s hot seeing you fall apart... watching you loose control...” Matt said softly and Ryan's thrusts got slower as Matt felt him cumming. It felt even better than Matt thought it would. Ryan was breathing hot and heavy against his neck as his hips finally stilled. They stayed like that for a bit, breathing against each other hard, before Ryan broke the silence. 

“I’m gonna pull out, ok?” He mumbled, pressing a light kiss into Matt’s neck. Matt nodded slowly, his face screwing up at the feeling. He was so empty now and could feel cum dripping out of his ass. Ugh, gross...

“That’s pretty hot.” Ryan said, sounding surprised himself and Matt giggled. He moved up and relaxed into the bed. Ryan pressed a kiss into his forehead and Matt smiled at the tenderness. He walked away and Matt huffed before turning his head. Looking up at Ryan who was wiping Matt’s cum off his chest, when they locked eyes he walked over to clean Matt up as well. 

“How romantic…” Matt quipped, a dopey smile on his face. Ryan laughed, shaking his head. 

“You’re so tired man, it’s cute.” Ryan said softly before turning to throw away the tissues. Matt grabbed onto one of Ryan’s pillows, curling into it. 

“You’re dick is better than my old insomnia meds, dude.” Matt mumbled and then yawned. It was weirdly accurate considering those didn’t help a bit. Matt just had to come to terms with the fact that an average night for him was falling asleep at eight am and getting four restless hours of sleep max. Usually, Ryan was asleep way earlier than he was and Matt just sort of… watched him and worked from bed. Said bed dipped as Ryan laid on his side next to him, and Matt buried his face further into the pillow at the look the bigger man was giving him. Ryan ran a gentle hand through his hair. 

“Take your contacts out first, babe.” Ryan mumbled and Matt shot up. He had totally forgotten he was wearing them still. 

“Thanks, man.” Matt said sheepishly as he turned his phone camera on, using it as a mirror. He was having trouble holding it and taking out his contacts though, and then Ryan grabbed it - chuckling at him. Matt took out the awful, horrible, uncomfortable things and then went to smile up at Ryan. His vision was always worse right after he wore contacts. Blurry Ryan kissed him, tender and short, before falling back onto his pillow. Matt went to curl into his chest and felt his body getting heavy again. When his eyes slipped close this time it was more comfortable and he yawned. 

“Sleep well, Matt, and uh.. thanks for tonight.” Ryan mumbled softly, exhaustion in his voice as well. Matt couldn’t even imagine, he worked all day, drank a little more than half a bottle of jack, and then had sex… woah. 

“You deserve it, mmm, you work too hard.” Matt said and his words ran together. “Night dude…” Matt pressed a kiss into the larger man’s chest and the two were silent until sleep found them. The gentle hum of computers and responsibilities and consoles around them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love comments!! any and all!!


	15. Bring Me A Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan and Matt are dating!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love comments!! all of them!! thanks for 100 kudos!! love y'all!!! Hope you like where the stories goinnnnn

Ryan watches as Matt pours syrup all over his pancakes, like way too much syrup, before digging into them. He got up uncharacteristically early and asked Ryan to skip his first class so the pair could get breakfast. Well, he woke up pretty fucking early for any person considering he woke Ryan up at four thirty in the morning; softening the blow of only getting three hours of sleep with kisses and compliments. Ryan smiled at the thought and Matt met his eyes, smirk endearingly gross with a mouth full of food. He really didn’t mind skipping to get a very early breakfast with a very cute Matt. His first class was pretty much bullshit and he had to go to the extra study sessions the TA held to actually learn anything. Which sucked because data processing was pretty fucking imporant to his future career. A career he was gonna hate, god. 

“Uh, Ry.” Matt said and Ryan looked up, present in the moment again. The sun was just starting to rise outside the waffle house they were in, the light soft and orange. They were never up this early together and it felt like they were in their own little world. Away from all the problems and responsibilities they had. 

“Yes, angel?” Ryan asked, a little quieter than he had to be. Everything about them felt so right, it was something Ryan hadn’t really felt before. At least not romantically… and it wasn’t just closeness it was like he was meant to meet Matt and life just didn’t feel right till he did. 

“Ugh, you’re so fucking sweet.” Matt said and then looked down. “I’m scared of what I wanna say.” Ok, never mind, Ryan’s gut has never been right and he’s right to avoid people and wow getting broken up with the morning after hurts, and it’s not even breaking up because they aren’t even technically toge- 

“I wanna date you.. and uh, not just we’re hanging out or oh we’re fucking,” Matt started and looked like he was annoyed with himself, “I want us to, I don’t know, go steady…?” He looks surprised by his own words and then laughs. Ryan joins in too because he’s never been asked to ‘go steady’ before. 

“You want my class ring too?” Ryan joked, hoping that Matt would interpret that as him not being grossed out by the idea of dating. For some reason Matt saw him as a commitaphobe… which might not be entirely unwarranted, if he was being honest with himself. But, it’s just dating. At this point it seems overdue. Matt covered his face with his hands and groaned.

“Ok I know that’s a joke but sometimes I feel like I’m getting to play out my fantasy of fucking a hot quarterback when I’m with you.” Matt said quietly, his words were muffled by his hands. He didn't move his hands away after the confession and Ryan laughed harder. It became higher pitched in that way he hated so he put his hands over his mouth, trying to stop. Matt moved his hands and narrowed his eyes at him.

“You barely laugh like that, don't stop, Ry.” Matt said and Ryan shook his head before putting his hand back down. 

“Uh no, I hate when I laugh like that.” Ryan explained. Matt pouted and looked up at him, his eyes big and full of concern. 

“But it’s cute, I feel cheated.” Matt started, and then touched his chest like he’s been hurt, “I don’t know if I can forgive you...” Ryan rolled his eyes at Matt trying to change the subject. 

“Hey! Don’t try to distract me from that goddamn fantasy you have. I was in a film club, and played video games, and I’m not the biggest fan of functions or big games or whatever.” Ryan said, shaking his head. “Not exactly hot quarterback material.” Matt huffed and started waving his hands around, like he was trying to explain the reasoning without words. 

“I know that! I like that you’re not actually that guy, ‘cause that guy used to kick my ass in high school.” Matt explained and laughed lightly. “Buuut, you’re strong, and caring, and you can pick me up and spin me around.. I don’t know… I feel like those cheerleaders I used to be jealous of.” Ryan grinned at the reasoning, ok he could see that. Made him feel better about not being into sports, parties, and people.

“I’ve never picked you up and spun you around...” Ryan mumbled and Matt rolled his eyes. 

“That wasn’t exactly the point, I just- I don’t know. I never got to date the guys I wanted to back then, I felt gross and wrong. But with you it’s right, I’m alright.” Matt explained and before Ryan could respond he kept talking, “Also! Don’t change the subject asshole!” Matt pointed at Ryan as he said this. 

“First of all, you’re laugh is amazing and if I don’t hear it everyday I’m.. never gonna fuck you again,” Matt said, putting a finger up as he did. “Secondly, like… can we go steady? And third of all, you’ve had hot sauce on your face since we started talking and at first it was funny but now it's distracting.” Ryan rubbed at his face and oh yeah, Matt was right. Matt smirked at him and pushed up his glasses. Ryan put his fingers up the way Matt did as he responded, mocking the tone he took. 

“First of all, I’d like to see how long you could go without fucking me, secondly, we can only go steady if you wear my letterman jacket during lunch, and third of all I’m glad being with me makes you feel alright.” Matt’s face went from offended to adoring within seconds. He got up and moved over to Ryan’s side of the booth. Something he never did; they’re knees were flush together and Matt leaned into his shoulder. Both looking ahead instead of at each other. Matt put one finger up and Ryan groaned. 

“First of all, you didn’t have to go there... I just wanna hear that sweet, sweet laugh again, Ry.” Matt said, his voice was softer now, “Secondly, I’ll wear your jacket if you drive me to school in the Corvette every day, and third of all I-I’m-I’m sorry that I’m so scared of.. all that.. there’s so much bad shit that comes up whenever I try to deal with it.” Ryan found Matt’s hand and put his over it. Not holding it, just resting his hand there. Matt turned his hand so Ryan could lace his fingers in his, but didn’t look up. Ryan just followed his lead. He just followed Matt’s lead when it came to approaching this, because Ryan had a wonderful family. They had their own problems, sure, but whatever Matt’s childhood was did a number on him. Ryan held out his free hand and put a finger up, Matt chuckled half-heartedly. 

“First of all, for you I’ll laugh like that but only at home, secondly, you gotta deal - we’re officially going steady - we should celebrate at makeout point tonight,” Ryan said and Matt laughed at that, shaking his head into Ryan’s shoulder, “and third of all, I’m here to help you deal with bad shit. Okay?” Matt actually looked up at him in surprise. His face asking a question. Ryan nodded down at him. And it felt like he should kiss Matt but he knew that it would do more harm than good. Matt grinned up at him and then narrowed his eyes deviously. He put a finger up. 

“Dude, no, we gotta stop. I’m running out of things that are associated with going steady.” Ryan said and Matt poked his cheek with the finger before speaking. 

“First of all, I like like you, secondly, we should do a lot more than just make out, and third of all, I know you are, you fucking sweet heart.” Matt said and Ryan shook his head, turning forward again. 

“Are you mad at me for being nice to you?” Ryan quipped out and then felt Matt moved from his side, slipping back into the booth across from him. He looked different to Ryan when he sat back down, eyes more tired than usual. 

“No, I’m mad that I was missing out on it for eighteen goddamn years.” Matt explained and Ryan smirked at him.

“I think I can make it up to you, if we go back to the dorm.” Ryan said, winking, Matt blushed and shook his head. 

“We’ve barely eaten!” He whined and Ryan shrugged. 

“We can take it to go, c’mon. I got an hour before my stats class.” Ryan said lowly, hoping that implying sex would get Matt to want to go home more. Ryan honestly just wanted to kiss and cuddle but that’s way too sappy to say aloud. Matt cocked his head to the right and looked up, smiling a little. Then their waitress came by. 

“You guys good?” She said, pointing between the two of them. Ryan nodded with a smile, he knew Matt would ask for the check for them. He was acting all cute after all. 

“Yeah, could we get the check and some boxes please?” Matt asked, pushing his glasses up as he did. Fucking dork. The waitress looked between the two of them before nodding. 

“Together, or seperate?” She asked. 

“Together.” They didn’t mean to say it at the same time, Ryan tried to stifle a laugh at how much Matt was blushing. The waitress gave them a weird look before walking away. Matt put his head down on the table and groaned. Ryan continued laughing at Matt’s reaction and didn't mind if it was high pitched this time. Matt perked up and beamed at him.

“Dude! So cute.” Matt said, his face still pink. 

“Says you.” 

___________________________

“This isn’t what I was thinking of when you said ‘make it up to me’, Ry.” Matt said, but it didn’t have any malice in it. Ryan kissed his face as he did and Matt was trying not to laugh from all the affection. “You are the scariest lookin’ softie I’ve ever met.” 

“Mm, I scare you?” Ryan mumbled after kissing Matt’s cheek and then moved down his neck. Matt slipped his hands in Ryan’s hair. 

“No! No.. well I mean, maybe the first day we met.” Matt said, his voice getting breathier as Ryan made his way across his neck. “When I surprised you, the look you gave me… ‘s kinda hot, now that I think about it.” Ryan chuckled into Matt’s neck. 

“You find everything hot.” Ryan said before biting Matt’s neck a little, prompting a gasp from him. He was sitting in-between Ryan’s legs and leaning back into one of Ryan’s arms, the other one was resting on his thigh. 

“That’s not fair! You have to leave soon.” Matt whined, but exposed more of his neck and leaned into Ryan’s shoulder as he did. Ryan chuckled at him and kissed his neck, softly this time. “I’m sorry, dude, I’m just hype we’re finally going steady. I can’t wait to tell the girls in my o-chem lab.” Ryan joked and Matt laughed against his shoulder. Ryan wasn’t sure if he would ever let him live that down but all jokes aside he was happy Matt wanted to actually date.

“Wait, I thought I was the girl… like I’m wearing your jacket, I have your ring, you have the car… but you’re telling the girls in o-chem?” Matt said genuinely. Ryan pulled back from kissing him to look at him warily. 

“Are you seriously asking me who’s the fucking girl in the relationship we made up for a bit?” Ryan asked and Matt shrugged. 

“I don’t know just, the continuity is off...” 

“What does that even mean, Matt?!” Ryan asked trying not to laugh, finding it funny that Matt was actually giving this thought. 

“Like, you should have said the guys in the mechanics club or something.” Matt explained matter of factly, although he looked embarrassed. Ryan snorted and shook his head. 

“Lemme get this straight, in your mind I'm a quarterback and fix up cars for fun?” Ryan asks with a teasing smile.

“You know that’s not what I meant, Ryan, jeez, forget I said anything.” Ryan chuckles at him, but he knows this will manifest into him being jealous of football players with nice cars, for some stupid illogical reason. 

“Well, uh, I’m pretty good at fixing cars so I got that goin’ for me.” Ryan said and oddly enough, it was true. The only thing Ryan’s dad ever taught him about was cars and fixing them. He resented the knowledge after his old man skipped town, but it turned out to be a profitable skill. Matt whines up at him, dragging Ryan out of his past and into the moment. 

“You already have a lot going for you, stop trying to get hotter or I won’t let you go to class ever again.” Matt said in a fake threatening tone, his eyes narrowed at Ryan. He captured the smaller man's lips and felt Matt wrap his arms around Ryan’s neck before pulling away slightly, just enough to speak. “You were kidding, right?” He mumbles. 

“About what?” Ryan asks. 

“Like the whole, fixing cars thing.” Matt said, looking at Ryan’s lips. He shakes his head. 

“Um, no, not kidding. Why, you need me to take a look at yours?” Ryan asked, knowing full well he didn't have a car on campus. Matt licked his lips and glanced up before returning his gaze to Ryan’s lips. “Dude, seriously? It's not as hot as you're thinking." Matt leaned back into Ryan’s arms more. 

“I don’t know, in my mind you're all sweaty and in a tank top, your hands are rough from working.. oh, and you’re smoking too.” Matt said, and Ryan knew he had a thing for smoking. “You find me on the side of the road, and you fix my car and I’m just so thankful... tell you I don’t have any cash on me though...” 

Matt’s very focused on Ryan’s lips, nodding to himself, his own mouth slightly agape. Ryan’s pretty sure he’s entirely in this fantasy now, not that he’s complaining. Matt’s voice is all breathy and he’s been rubbing his hands through Ryan’s hair as he talked. He can’t lie, that did sound pretty hot, but just because Matt was so fucking into it. Ryan kissed Matt, and he made a surprised noise before reciprocating. Adjusting his body so he was straddling Ryan instead of laying across him. Matt slips his tongue in Ryan’s mouth and moans into the kiss. Ryan let’s his hands rest on Matt’s ass, and he would slap it or grab it if he could stay longer. Matt pulls away eventually, out of breath, and smirks up at Ryan. 

“I told you if you got any hotter I wouldn’t let you go to class ever again sooo you know I can’t let you leave. We should just stay here for the rest of the semester and fuck.” Matt says, moving to kiss Ryan’s neck, sucking lightly at the skin there. He gasps at the contact and honestly the idea sounded great, and unrealistic. 

“You’d miss going out, baby, and record shopping, and your English professor...” Ryan breathed, and Matt stopped moving at the last point. 

“Last time I tell you about any of my crushes.” He mumbled into Ryan’s neck. 

“It’s such a porn intro, man, I can’t take it seriously.” Ryan said. 

“We are too! Horny twink gets fucked hard by big dick roomate.” Ryan laughs at the description, letting his laugh get high again. Matt smiles wider. 

“Yeah but at least we’re not ‘Sucking D for A’s, sexy student blows pervy professor.’” Matt giggles as he hides his face in Ryan’s shoulder. 

“Ugh, ok you’ve ruined it for me, thanks man.” Matt mumbled and Ryan leaned his head back on the couch with a smile. He was comfortable, he felt like he could fall asleep considering he barely got any last night. But making a habit of skipping classes wasn’t good, so he tapped Matt’s back. 

“I gotta go, I’ll be back after three kay?” Ryan said and Matt only relaxed into him more. Cool, so that’s how it’s gonna be. 

“No! I’ll be cold and bored without you.” He wrapped his arms around Ryan’s neck and hummed into his shoulder. Ryan grabbed the underside of his thighs and stood up with Matt. Matt gripped onto him tighter and squeaked in surprise. He pulled back and leveled a withering look at Ryan. 

“Sorry dude, I had a lot of fun last night and this morning, and I’ll miss you.” Ryan said and Matt melted a little more into his arms. “Hold on again, just for a sec.” Matt seemed suspicious but did as he was told, leaning back into Ryan’s shoulder. Ryan felt fucking dumb for doing this but Matt did mention it so. 

He spun around a little, probably not in the way Matt was imagining when he said it. Those cheerleaders were probably a lot shorter than Matt was. But, he felt Matt laughing into his neck and his legs wrapping around him tighter. Ryan couldn’t keep it up for very long, the lack of sleep and dizziness making it hard. He stopped and Matt loosened his grip, so Ryan placed him on the ground again. Matt’s eyes were bright and he kissed Ryan chastely. 

“I’m dating such a sexy, romantic, strong guy.” Matt said, sounding angry about it but in a teasing way. Ryan laughs as he makes his way to the door. 

“You’re ridiculous, babe.” Ryan said, grabbing his bag, opening the door but not leaving just yet. Matt fake swoons, falling on the couch. 

“Oh, and he’s humble! And smart, responsible, super great in bed, with an adorable laugh-” Ryan cuts him off by throwing one of his hoodies that's hanging on the wall at him. Matt laughs and Ryan rolls his eyes. 

“And I’m dating a dramatic, adorable fool.” Ryan said and Matt pouts at him. “Who is also beautiful, and charming, and super creative, and very, very sweet.” Matt smiles and blows a kiss. Ryan laughs and then waves as he leaves. The door clasps shut before him and he stands in the hall for a second, Matt’s words running through his mind. He was dating someone, someone who thought he was great. A smile spread across his face at the thought and his face hurt, because he had smiled too much this morning. Ryan wanted to find the word for how he felt, so he never lost it again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In one of their Q&A's on patreon Ryan said if he could wake up and know one skill it would be like fixing cars and stuff. and i'm very into people who know how to do that that sooo... i'm so sorry! Side note, Matt's answer was hacking :)


	16. Something Changed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt and Ryan learn a little more about each other...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry about not updating!!! Life has been hard lately. I'm really happy if you enjoy the direction this story is going in, and I hope you keep reading <3<3<3

Ryan wakes up suddenly. The soft glow of computer light and muffled rap music are both coming from a very focused Matt, who is sitting up besides Ryan and typing quickly. His eyes glued to the screen, narrowing a little as he deletes some of what he’s writing. The two had been studying together in bed until Ryan couldn’t focus, eyes slipping shut on their own accord, and decided he had gotten enough done for the night. Matt told him that he would sometimes stay up and work on his computer next to Ryan, but he had never woken up during it. He grumbled and shifted a little, body still waking up, and Matt didn’t look up but his hand shot out to find Ryan’s hair. 

Ryan smiled at the gesture and looked at the screen, gaze unfocused and slow. Matt was scrolling through a long paper and making edits, when he scrolled to the top he could see the title. Policy Trends in Cybersecurity and Online Privacy. Cybersecurity was sorta cool, some of Ryan’s classmates liked to bring it up during lectures, but what the hells a policy trend?  
The class and professor name were also on the title page. Public Policy Challenges in the 21st Century. Ryan sits up more and Matt jumps, sending a wide eyed stare his way. Ryan laughs at his reaction, he probably wasn't used to being interrupted this late. His scared expression morphs into a big smile when he sees Ryan laughing. 

“Fucking scared me!” Matt exclaims and Ryan shrugs, grinning up at him . “What are you even doing up its…” Matt glances back at his screen, “four-ish in the morning, man.” 

“You woke me up with your loud ass typing- why are you writing such a boring paper?” Ryan asks and Matt glances back at the screen, his cheeks getting a little pink before he looks back at Ryan. 

“Lay off, this is fun compared to the other ones I have to write.” Matt says and that doesn’t exactly answer Ryan’s question, in fact he just had more now. Matt doesn't usually work on this kind of stuff. Yeah he had classes that weren’t in film, sure, but it was the basic shit every student had to take. Ryan doesn’t remember having to take any classes like this his first year. 

“You been hiding a passion for policy changes from me?” Ryan snickers and Matt makes a face at the question. 

“Oh god no, but political theory is pretty fun.” Matt says, sounding genuine, and Ryan’s thrown for a loop. He interprets his confused expression as a lack of understanding. “It’s like, uh, the philosophy of political thought and how history shapes political beliefs, and ok, it sounds boring but it’s not I promise.” 

“Dude I was fucking with you - but you really like this shit?” Ryan asked and he couldn’t help but think it was shit. He wasn’t huge on politics and at some point stopped keeping up with the news; the worlds just so fucked. Matt looked just a little offended at the question. 

“Yeah, I mean, kinda,” Matt said, “but I know you don’t, so I never bring it up. I got a twitter for that anyway.” He snickered, Ryan moved a little closer to him. Kissing his shoulder lightly before leaning into it; Matt slipped an arm around him in response. 

“Sorry, don’t mean to get on you for what you like.” Ryan mumbled, eyes scanning the lengthy paper before Matt closed the computer. “I just don’t know why you’d pick that as an elective.” Matt put the laptop on the end of the bed and leaned into Ryan more. 

“It’s a required course.” Matt says, sounding weird. Almost embarrassed but also kinda… sad. 

“Not for your-” Ryan started, arguing with the knowledge he had.

“Yes, for my major...” That tone again and Ryan’s getting a little worried. He didn’t expect to wake up to this, or for a conversation where Matt was acting all defensive. Ryan wanted to turn on a light or something because it felt so weird to talk about this in the dark. 

“What’re you talking about?” Ryan asked and it came out more pointed than he meant it to. 

“I’m getting a minor in film and, uh, a degree in political science.” Matt said and Ryan sat up then. Moving further from Matt and turning to try and get a look at him. He could vaguely make out his figure but not his face. 

“You fucking with me?” Ryan asked, Matt would draw out some bits for a really long time. They both found it hard to know when the other was joking sometimes. Matt called him out for gaslighting jokingly when Ryan would take certain jokes too far. But, Matt took things further than Ryan did so...

“Really wish I was, actually.” Matt said his voice tight and, OK, now he just seemed angry. What for?!

“Hey, geez, sorry I asked.” Ryan mumbled and turned to lay down again, “I’ll leave you to your secret fucking major.” He lets his eyes slip shut. Maybe being a bit harsh but this was a lot. Why would Matt lie to him? It made Ryan feel… insecure. So yeah, he was gonna be a little harsh. Matt sighed heavily and went to spoon Ryan, something he knew the older man loved. His long legs and arms cradling him easily. 

“Don’t be mad at me, Ry, I don’t tell anyone- not even my boys...” Matt whispered gently into Ryan’s neck. Ryan snorted in response and Matt kissed the back of his neck. His body softened a little at the gesture, and now he is curious. 

“I’m not mad, man, I’m just… confused.. I guess.” Ryan said. Matt nodded into his neck. 

“College is too goddamn expensive, I got a rant about that if you wanna hear it,” Matt started and Ryan stifled a laugh, fuck yeah it is, “and my parents would only pay for certain degrees. But, film is what I really wanna do.” Ryan hummed. 

“Yeah, me too.” Ryan said softly and then turned to face Matt, although he still couldn’t see for shit. He kissed him lightly, not giving Ryan enough time to reciprocate before pulling back. 

“There is so much I want to tell you.. but I’m afraid, you know.” Matt whispered and Ryan nodded. He knew, he understood, and he was afraid too. A tense silence filled the room. Ryan shouldn’t be mad at Matt for not telling him. For keeping some things to himself. He had a few skeletons in his own closet he wasn’t exactly ready to bring out yet. It didn’t lessen his feelings though, and that nameless feeling was still present. Always present, a constant but pleasant weight, and occasionally a shot to his heart. 

“How about you tell me something nobody else knows.. if that's ok with you...” Matt whispered, like he was afraid everything around him was going to break. Ryan tried to think of something, something that wasn’t too serious. 

“I used to steal booze from a restaurant I worked at.” Ryan said and Matt laughed a little. 

“How many jobs have you had?” Matt asked and Ryan rubbed the sleep out of his eyes as he thought back.

“Uh, Jesus, I don’t know, ten or so total. What about you?” Ryan asks and Matt whines a little, the sound somehow endearing when he did it. The boy had a talent for being endearing, that's for sure. At least to Ryan. 

“I feel like a fucking kid, I’ve only had one.” Matt said dejectedly. “I would sell my medication sometimes, but just to my friends.” 

“That’s the whitest thing you’ve ever said.” Ryan joked and Matt scoffed. “Also, it’s your turn.” It was silent for a moment. 

“I probably have some nudes floating around in the world, my face isn’t in them… I just wanted to feel attractive, I guess, and didn't think too hard about it.” Matt said and Ryan’s face twisted up in response to the new information. That was a much deeper and darker secret, it made Ryan’s seem like nothing. It also made him feel sick, the idea of some asshole taking advantage of a kid like that. 

“Christ, I’m sorry, man.” Ryan said and then felt Matt shrug, so he found his hands and held them. Taking in a deep breath before continuing, because he was starting to realize how long it had been since he had told anyone this kind of stuff. “I ran away from home when I was nine, nobody could find me. I came home eventually because, um, I couldn’t find what I was looking for...” Ryan whispered and he felt Matt’s hands grip a little harder.

“What were you looking for?” Matt whispered, curiosity dripping from the phrase. Ryan remained silent, debating if he wanted to tell him this. He was a smart guy so he probably figured out why Ryan never brought up his dad. But it still seemed like a lot. Said silence stretched out for a while, and it was comfortable enough that Ryan decided the risk was worth the reward. Although it rarely was.

“My dad. He just... left one day and for some reason I thought, if I found him, he’d come back and everything would be ok.” Ryan said, his voice getting detached and emotionless like it did whenever he had to talk about this. “Later I learned we’re why he left, me and my brother, so I was just being an idiot.” Matt was silent after the confession and Ryan felt like he fucked up. That it was too much, and he was broken in Matt’s eyes now. He couldn’t help but feel like all his shit would make Matt run away. Then, he pulled his hands away and Ryan heard him sniffling. He made a sobbing noise and moved closer. Secretly Ryan was a big crier but around anyone but his family it took a lot. Despite that he felt his chest get tight and pulled Matt into it. 

“I-I’m so sorry, that’s terrible. Your dads the idiot.” Matt sobbed and shook his head into Ryan’s chest. He smiled a little and tried to not cry himself. It felt like it was just the two of them again, like nothing and nobody existed outside of the bed they were in. Ryan’s hands found Matt’s hair, scratching into his head lightly. 

“Aw, baby, don’t be sorry, it’s not your fault.” He soothed. 

“Oh god, you’re comforting me about your dad leaving - I’m such a piece of shit.” Matt groaned into Ryan’s chest. Who made a soft shushing noise in response. 

“No you’re not, it’s ok, I’m just glad I’m not too broken for you.” Ryan said and let his eyes slip close. It felt weirdly nice to say that outloud. Matt snorted and giggled unevenly into Ryan’s chest. 

“What?! No dude, I was born broken don’t worry.” Matt said and Ryan frowned. Matt had said a lot of sad shit to him, and it was either played off as a joke or it was when he was anxious. He sniffled and then hummed. “Hey, hey, I got one.” 

“Lay it on me, man.” Ryan mumbled and kissed his forehead. Even though this was different and scary, it was perfect. 

“My mom’s been cheating on my dad for years, I caught them when I was like fourteen and she made me promise not to tell anyone. So I haven’t… y’know, till now.” 

“Matt! That’s so fucked up.” Ryan whispered aggressively. 

“My dads the fucking worst, dude, so I get it.” Matt said and then inhaled sharply. “Shit, sorry I said that, I know I’m lucky to have a dad.” He backtracked and Ryan chuckled. 

“You don’t have to say that everytime you talk about your dad from now on, I’m cool with it now.” Ryan said and Matt nodded into his chest. “Here’s one, and other people know it but it’s pretty heavy.” He nodded again and wrapped his arms around Ryan. 

“My mom's second boyfriend, he was an abusive piece of shit, I didn’t know until I saw the bruises on her arms. Fuck man, next time I saw him I broke his nose, then his ribs, and I just kept going until the cops pulled me off.” Ryan admitted and Matt’s arms got tighter. Shaking his head into his chest. 

“How old were you?” Matt asked, voice tight with emotion. 

“Probably thirteen, maybe fourteen.” Ryan said and the fact shocked him a little, “I have no clue how I managed to fuck him up that bad. My mom is a saint, man, the idea of someone hurting her…” Ryan trailed off. 

“I was fourteen when I first-” Matt started to say and then stopped. He took a deep breath and held it, and kept holding it. So long that Ryan started to get worried. 

“Breath, baby.” He said and Matt did, his breath warm and the release inspiring a small sob. “You don’t have to tell me, it’s ok.” 

“No I want to I… It’s just… a lot and I promise I don’t do it anymore.” Matt said. 

“Uh, Ok.” Ryan said, scared because he wasn't sure what to expect from him at this point. 

“I-I used to hurt myself…” Matt said so quietly that Ryan almost didn’t hear him. His hand stilled in Matt’s hair on instinct and gasped slightly before stopping himself. “Um, cut myself, burn myself- I just felt out of control I guess.” 

“Fuck, Matt, I’m-” Ryan started. 

“Don’t say sorry, uh, I-I’ve just never told anyone that before.” Matt interrupted and moved his head a little, trying to get Ryan to move his hands again. Ryan obliged. “And It feels nice to tell you.” 

“Thanks for trusting me.” 

“Thanks for listening.” 

They laid there for a second and it felt tense. For whatever reason. It was a lot of information to divulge and take in all at once. The closeness was scary and sweet and suffocating, but the nameless feeling made all of that feel… fine. Made it feel as natural as breathing. 

“I think that's it… except for, oh god. ” Matt said, his tone lighter than before. “So I was eleven and accidentally got fucked up at one of my parents' parties, I puked into some chick's purse and,” Matt started laughing as he spoke, “dude, it turned into this whole who did it thing and everyone was arguing, meanwhile I’m hiding under one of the tables legit praying that nobody finds my ass.” Ryan laughed along with Matt and it was nice. He liked that they could just revert back to humor, no matter what was happening before. It made Ryan think back to exes who would get pissed if he tried to crack jokes after a fight, or a talk, or whatever. It was different now.

“Same, I’m fresh out of deep, emotional secrets.” Goddamn lies. “Unless you consider me jerking it to a GTA stripper that one time deeply emotional.” Ryan joked and Matt snorted into his chest. 

“Super emotional, Ry.” Matt joked back and Ryan chuckled. Once their laughter died down he felt his body wanting to sleep again, his focus drifting, and stifled a yawn.

“I hate that I do but I have work tomorrow- well technically today - whatever, I’ll be home around seven and we can do whatever you want, kay?” Matt gasped and then made an excited noise. 

“Mm, I have so many ideas, dude.” Matt whispers back and Ryan chuckles. He yawns fully this time and Matt hums up at him. “You tired, big boy?” 

“Of course I am it’s fucking late.” Ryan grumbles before yawning again. 

“Guess I could be tired too.” Matt says and Ryan hugs him ever closer. He doesn't respond, just mumbled something vaguely affirmative as he closed his eyes. Feeling Matt relax into his body and whisper something unintelligible. 

“Hmm?” He hummed. 

“Sleep well, Ry, I uh, really like you.” Matt whispered again, a little louder. 

“Mm, I really like you too, dude.” Ryan mumbled and then the pair were silent. Pale moonlight streamed into the room and their breathing started to sync as they both found sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I sorta have a direction with the story but it's mainly about first love and how that feels!! Hope y'all enjoyed <3


	17. Don’t Stop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt and Ryan get ready for a Halloween party at the Prescott residence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This may read like a bit of a filler chapter, and I know we already had a party chapter, but the next one is intense and angsty so... enjoy!! <3

“We already went out this month, man.” Ryan said firmly, keeping his focus on the game in front of him. Matt was sitting next to him and was trying to convince Ryan to come to Tucker’s Halloween party. He had hoped if they spent the whole day together the older man would have changed his tune, since the answer was already no when he asked this morning, but that was proving to not be the case. 

“That’s not fair! I can’t remember a fucking thing that happened that night.” Matt whined and got a quick, withering look from Ryan before he shifted his attention back to the game. The second time they went out together was way less fun for both of them; and now Matt knows he shouldn’t go out drinking with the Australian guys from his public policy class. He felt some of the residual guilt weighing on his heart.

“I mean, I got some stories if you wanna hear ‘em.” Ryan mumbled and Matt was debating whether to apologize or not, leaning towards just letting it go so he could start getting ready, when his phone buzzed in his pocket. Ryan glanced over at the sound and their eyes met. Matt couldn’t stop the part of his brain that noticed things or the sentimental part of his heart that remembered them. Like how Ryan’s eyes got softer the longer they looked at him. The sound of something attacking something came from the screen and Matt’s phone buzzed yet again, so the pair looked away. 

TUCKER: cool, people will start getting here at 8 but come whenever  
TUCKER: you want me to get jackson to scoop u? 

MATT: no, im trying to get ry to come with still 

TUCKER: just accept that ur boyfriends not into going out, matty 

MATT: he’s not my boyfriend  
MATT: i stay in with him so much  
MATT: fr have you ever seen me be such a homebody?

Matt smiled at the fact that he actually liked being home now and glanced up at Ryan - just to look at his cute concentration face - to find him looking too and felt his chest get warm. Ryan kept looking, eyes sweet, until Matt couldn’t handle all that care directed his way and looked down. He was probably blushing like a fucking idiot, god. He hadn’t even noticed the sounds and music of the game had stopped until they started up again. 

TUCKER: y’all are ridiculous  
TUCKER: i got a surprise for you btw  
TUCKER: got for ur boyfriend if he shows

MATT: i love u dude, u guys are the best  
MATT: ur right, he won’t 

TUCKER: if u wear what i picked out for you he’ll come 

Matt snorted down at his phone and shook his head because saying Tucker picked it out wasn’t exactly accurate. It would be more accurate to say he threw some fishnets, a choker, and XXL stripy shirt Matt’s way when he mentioned not having a costume. When Matt asked the completely valid question of what it was a costume of, Tucker just shrugged it off. He had tried it on and looked like an e-thot... which wasn’t bad per say… just different. Ryan frowned at the screen and glanced down at Matt’s pocket. 

“Who’re you texting, all giggly and shit?” Ryan asked, trying to hide his suspicion, and Matt got that little tugging in his heart he always got when Ryan got jealous. It was sweet but he couldn’t help but find it funny how baseless the suspicion was. 

“Can’t help it, your mom’s pretty funny man. Real shame that shit skips a generation.” Matt said nonchalantly before looking up at him with a grin. Ryan looked caught off guard for a split second before going to put down the controller. Matt scrambled off the couch with a laugh before he could do anything about it. The older man narrowed his eyes at him with a small smile and then turned back to his game. Matt shot Jackson a text and then went to grab his costume that wasn’t actually a costume from the closet. Throwing it on the couch next to Ryan before closing the drawers. He turned the sound on the game down and made a confused noise. 

“What’re you even going as?” Ryan asked, eyeing the clothes on the couch next to him before turning back to the screen. Matt walked over to stand behind him, bending over a bit to kiss his neck lightly before responding. 

“Well nothing. It’s not really a costume party and, come on, everyone knows Halloween’s just an excuse to wear something you… usually wouldn’t...” Matt said softly, reaching down to run a hand up Ryan’s leg. He swallowed and cocked his head a bit at the gesture. 

“I mean, I didn’t know that, maybe you could show me.” Ryan said casually, still playing and Matt nodded into his neck. Finding the controller in Ryan’s hands and pausing what was in front of the pair before pulling back entirely. Matt glanced down at his lips before leaning forward to kiss them; cutting off the small disapproving hum Ryan was making at the action. He couldn’t stop the surprised noise that slipped out when Ryan put his hand on the back of his neck, moving forward so he could deepen the kiss. 

Matt felt the familiar rush of electricity and warmth; just barley stopping his hands from doing whatever the hell they wanted. He pulled back and shook his head at Ryan, who responded by grabbing his shirt. Matt slipped out of it easily, because it was three sizes too big, and out of his reach with a laugh. 

“I will, if you close your eyes!” Matt said. Stepping back behind Ryan again and running a hand through his hair. He did as he was told with a ‘there you happy’ kind of gesture and Matt went to grab the clothes, slipping off his boxers and putting on something tighter before wearing the fishnets. He had never worn anything like them before so it took a little longer than it probably should have. It was different, but they felt kinda… nice. The pattern was splayed across his legs, which were on display way more than usual under the shirt that was basically just a shirt dress. When he went to grab the choker, the last part of the get-up, Ryan got impatient. 

“What’s taking so long?” Ryan complained, sinking further into the couch. Matt snickered and walked over, sitting between Ryan’s knees before turning to face away from him. Holding up the choker and glancing back at him before speaking. 

“Think you can help me with this, Ry?” 

His eyes opened and he looked at the choker for a beat before nodding; equal parts surprised and intrigued. Ryan motioned for Matt to turn around so he did, and then felt the soft faux-leather material tightening around his neck until it was clasped. Ryan pulled back a bit and Matt gasped slightly at the sensation. 

“Harder.” He said without thinking and Ryan pulled back more. Matt grabbed the hem of his shirt and whined at the feeling, trying to remember that Jackson would be picking him up soon. Ryan grabbed his hair and pulled his head back, kissing Matt while he choked him. The skinnier man moaned into the kiss. Maybe he should just stay in because being hungover sucked and this was so nice and — 

While pulling away, Ryan loosened his grip in the process. “Stand up, lemme see you.” He said roughly and Matt nodded, shuffling forward. He turned to face Ryan and felt himself blushing for some reason. While he felt cute, it was so different with someone looking at you. “God, you gotta stop wearing hot shit everytime you want me to go out. It’s not fair.” Ryan complained.

“So, my glasses don’t look weird?” Matt asks and he already knows the answer. Ryan reaches out to run his fingers along his tights and hums questioningly. 

“If I say they do, will you call Jackson and tell him to turn around?” Ryan asks before resting his forehead on Matt’s stomach, humming into it. He blushed and ran his fingers through Ryan’s hair softly, oh, that’s so… romantic? Appreciative?

Whatever it was they were both quiet for a moment and Matt almost pulled back to call Jackson. Almost. “Stop being mushy, it’s my only weakness.” He whispered gently, looking down, and Ryan kissed his stomach lightly before pulling back to look up. 

“Can’t help it, babe.” Ryan mumbled as their eyes met, and he looked away first, gaze casting downward. Matt went to scratch his head, and Ryan sighed happily as he let his head drop back into Matt’s stomach. The next thing he mumbled into Matt’s chest so quietly Matt felt like it wasn’t meant for him; just something Ryan was affirming to himself. 

“You’re my weakness…” 

He sighed after he said it and shook his head. Matt never understood why people used the phrase ‘getting butterflies’, because the descriptions always sounded like anxiety to him, but now it made sense. His chest fluttered and his heartbeat quickened, but it wasn’t anxiety - it was actually comforting. That new high he had been feeling in the past months, the ever present and comforting one, was amplified by the words. Oh… Oh no... He’s fully fucked isn't he? Matt’s heart sank a bit as reality set in. That Ryan leaving, not being in his life, would leave a big gash on his already battered heart. Matt knew he was blushing and his eyes were wide, when Ryan’s eyes caught his again they looked concerned. 

“You good? You look anxious, baby.” Ryan asked gently and Matt nodded down at him frantically. 

“Y-yeah, totally fine.” Matt squeaked out and Ryan narrowed his eyes suspiciously. “I just miss you.” Matt had NO clue where that came from, it felt like someone else had said it. 

“I’m right here, dude?” Ryan said plainly, almost condescendingly, with a slightly confused expression. Matt nodded slower this time and swallowed hard, trying to get his body to chill the fuck out. 

“Shit sorry, yeah, uh, I meant I’m gonna, um, miss you like when I have to leave... y’know?” Matt explained, looking down at the ground after. Wow, way to seem casual Matt. Fucking hell. Ryan laughed up at him and his brow furrowed together. 

“You’re really laying it on thick tonight, dude. Saying you’ll miss me and wearing that.” Ryan said, toying with the hem of Matt’s shirt as he grinned up at him. “I don’t have anything to wear, I’ll look weird. C’mon, lay down with me, I’ll turn off my game.” Ryan pouted up at him and Matt really had forgotten about trying to convince him. But the prospect of winning and getting his way made the worry melt away. He rolled his eyes and smirked down at Ryan. 

“Oh c’mon, man, just wear that flannel shirt you have with some jeans.” Matt argued and a confused expression passed over Ryan’s face as he looked towards the closet. Then he looked surprised and just a little embarrassed. 

“Uh, I forgot I had that... I haven’t worn it in a while.” Ryan said and then got quiet before continuing. “Makes me look pudgy and shit… I’d look better if I was more tone and less, um, me.” 

Matt scoffed at the reasoning and pushed him back lightly, climbing on top of him. Ryan’s initial surprise turned into appreciation as he ran his hands up Matt’s thighs. He leaned forward and kissed him again, harder than before. Ryan responded even more rough and went to grab Matt’s ass. Matt sighed happily into the kiss and Ryan pulled him closer. Matt ran his hands under Ryan’s sweatshirt and grabbed at his love handles gently, Ryan made a weird noise and Matt pulled back. Narrowing his eyes at Ryan when he did. 

“I’m so skinny people think I’m malnourished, my under eye circles are too dark, I’m so fucking pale, and my face gets all red when I’m stressed - which is always. Oh, and my ass is small, and I-” Matt said quickly trying to not linger on his actual insecurities too long. Ryan’s face twisted up and he put his hand over Matt’s mouth while shushing him. Matt sent a pointed look his way and he glanced down to avoid it. 

“Shut up, man, I get it, ok?” Ryan groaned and dropped his hand from Matt’s mouth. Matt started to run his hands up and down Ryan’s stomach. Ryan huffed and rolled his eyes, looking to the side again. 

“You’re beautiful, Ry…” Matt said softly and quirked his lip into a small smile. Ryan blinked up at him and then grabbed his face, bringing him for another kiss. It was softer than before but neither of them pulled away, Matt let himself relax into it and kinda got lost in the tenderness of it until his phone rang. Ryan groaned into the kiss and shook his head a little. Matt pulled his hands out from under his sweatshirt and pulled back. 

“I gotta go, dude.” Matt breathed out and Ryan groaned again, going to grab at Matt’s hips but he was already moving off of him. 

“Mm, please don’t.” Ryan said in a low tone and sat up, watching Matt as he went to grab his phone off the couch. Looking up towards Ryan before answering it. 

“Sorry, man, I’ll be back at-” Ryan cut him off as he stood up fully. 

“You fuckin’ know I’m gonna go...” Ryan grumbled and Matt beamed proudly as he answered the phone. Watching Ryan walk over to the closet as he did. 

“Hey, what’s up?” Matt asked. 

“Uh, I’m outside. You weren't responding to my texts.” Jackson said and Matt blushed. 

“Sorry, dude, I’ll be down in a sec. Ryan’s coming to, by the way.” Matt said and Jackson laughed. 

“Oh, that's why you weren't responding. You were making out with your fucking boyfriend.” Jackson quipped and Matt groaned. Watching as Ryan put on the only pair of jeans he had, slipping off his sweatshirt after. He grabbed the flannel Matt mentioned, he accidentally found it while looking for one of Ryan’s shirts to wear to bed, and he shook his head a little. Matt walked over to kiss his neck, responding to Jackson after. 

“He’s not my boyfriend.” Matt said quietly and Ryan chuckled as he turned to look at him, buttoning up the flannel without looking down. He went to roll up the sleeves after, with an annoyed look on his face. Matt focused on how Ryan’s arms looked and mumbled, “See you in a sec, kay?” as he watched Ryan button the sleeves that way. Hanging up before Jackson could make another snarky comment. 

“I look like a sad asshole that plays Smiths covers, man.” Ryan complained, looking at his reflection in the mirror. Matt shakes his head and stops himself from mentioning that those kinda guys made him act like a bumbling love struck idiot. He looked different for sure, but it was good. Matt went to unbutton the first three buttons on his shirt and then tapped his fingers on Ryan’s chest. Really good. 

“No, no.. well kinda, but in a sexy way.” Matt said and turned to look in the mirror too. “We look hot together, Ry.” Ryan tried to suppress a smile and turned Matt’s face towards him before kissing him. Matt let his nails run down Ryan’s chest and Ryan wrapped his arms around Matt’s waist. Matt moved back so Ryan’s back was against the dresser and pressed their chests together. Ryan’s hands moved up his back and up to the choker, pulling Matt away. Matt whined at the feeling and shook his head, trying to kiss him again. 

“Jackson's waiting.” Ryan said and Matt huffed as he stepped away. “You’re the one that wanted to go!” 

“Ugh, I know, can we at least make out in the car?” Matt asked as he grabbed one of Ryan’s hoodies. Putting it on and zipping it up before throwing the hood over his head. A little bit of hiding, just till they were in the car. He opened the door after, and Ryan shook his head in response to his request. Placing a hand on his back to get him out the door. 

“We can make out at Tucker’s, babe.” Ryan said with a grin and closed the door behind them. His hoodie smelled so good and Matt pulled his hands under the long sleeves. Jackson and Tucker’s teasing about Ryan being his boyfriend popped into his head again and Matt let the thought linger longer than usual. His boyfriend’s hoodie smelled nice, his boyfriend looked really hot tonight, and his boyfriend’s hand was brushing against his as they walked. Matt pursed his lips and looked down. He was spending Halloween with his boyfriend… yeah. That was nice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> stuff goez down at Tucker's y'all. Also the insecurities mentioned are stuff the boys have mentioned on the podcast: i find both of them to be super handsome and honestly we simp so hard :3c


	18. Take Ecstasy With Me, Baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I have to laugh, it's so unreal  
> To lay and laugh under the northern lights  
> We've got a lot that others have to realize  
> In a world where we get beat up just holding hands”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter super quick cuz they kinda go together??? not really but yeah.  
> TW WARNING: drug use, bad trips, references to self harm, and references to abuse. In that order. Please be careful if any of that triggers you. I'm really sorry to get all saddddd :((( but i hope y'all enjoy!!!

The surprise Tucker had mentioned, that Matt honestly forgot about until his friend brought it up, was a small bag of Molly. Not the pressed kind that came in a multitude of pastel colors, but the kind that came in capsules. Each filled with small beige crystals. Matt immediately, and without resentment, refused. Because he thought Ryan had never done anything but smoke weed and drink and didn’t want to overwhelm him. He was already outside of his comfort zone and was nice enough to just come, after all. Matt was surprised when Ryan started trying to convince him to take it, being today years old when he learned Ryan had taken psychedelics before. Tucker handed the older man two of the capsules with a wink before walking away. He took one of them and Matt opened his mouth to take the other. 

Matt had led Ryan up to Tucker’s room after he made a comment about the amount of people making him feel claustrophobic. The smaller man knew the drug was starting to hit because just holding Ryan’s hand felt insanely good, suspecting Ryan felt the same from his expression. The expression remained until he was sitting on the bed, smiling lazy at the room around him, and Matt thought it was adorable. Molly and Adderall had a lot in common, so his high was probably less intense than Ryan’s. But maybe, just maybe, it just hadn’t hit him fully yet. He was standing in front of Ryan, loving how it felt as he swayed a little on his feet, and when he laughed he felt the sound around himself in waves. 

“How you feelin’, baby?” Matt asked and he rarely called Ryan that. Only when he was in a particularly low mood or was being all adorable. Ryan focused up at him and his eyes were so dark: black irises wide in his brown eyes. 

“This is crazy, Tucker’s got good shit.” Ryan said softly and then went to feel the comforter he was sitting on. “...feels amazing…” Matt couldn't help but laugh again and covered his mouth to stop the sound, his skin buzzing at the small amount of contact. 

“Sorry to laugh, man, you're just so cute.” Matt said and Ryan grinned up at Matt. 

“Mm you’re the cute one, especially in that outfit.” Ryan said and reached out to touch Matt’s leg, they both gasped softly at the sensation. The fishnets and the warmth of Ryan’s hand felt great. Fuck, all he was doing was putting his hand on Matt’s thigh. “Woah, that’s new.”

“New?” Matt asked and Ryan moved his hand more as he spoke. 

“Like, your skin’s talking to my hand or something.” Ryan explained and his hand stilled, head tilting to the right with a confused expression. “Sorry, that made no fucking sense.” Matt reached out his hand to play with Ryan's hair. Running the soft locks between his fingers before he started scratching softly. Ryan’s eyes closed and he sighed happily. 

“I know what you mean, Ry.” Matt whispered and Ryan’s eyes opened again, his gaze precious and unguarded. The nature of it made Matt realize how guarded he usually looked and the thought struck him like an arrow. Impact bad, blood warm around the wound, sensation sending a gentle wave of unease through his body. 

Matt could feel himself starting to linger on the realization - worry a record that skips - until a song he loved, in all it’s cheesy-eighties-ness, started playing downstairs. Matt clasped his hands together, swaying along more purposefully, and hummed along to the intro. 

“Sing to me, baby, your voice is so nice.” Ryan said listlessly and Matt felt his face heat up. Embarrassed but fulfilling the request, because he knew every word and would have probably ended up singing along anyway. He put his hands up in front of Ryan to go along with the lyrics.

“Close your eyes, give me your hand, darlin’” Matt sang and Ryan went to grab his hands slowly as he continued. “Do you feel my heart beating?” He brought one of Ryan’s hands up to his chest, “Do you understand?” Ryan’s thumb made little circles into the skin over Matt’s heart. “Do you feel the same?” Matt asked and Ryan’s eyes met his, Matt felt his face get hotter and looked down as he sang the next part. “Am I only dreaming?… is this burning, an eternal flame…” Matt sang out the next verse, looking back at Ryan; who looked like he was trying to not smile while nodding up at Matt. 

“I believe it’s meant to be, darlin’” Ryan smiled then and Matt stuttered over the next line, knowing it was too true. “I-I watch you when you are sleeping, y-you belong with me.” Ryan giggled and Matt closed his eyes for the next part. “Do you feel the same?... Am I only dreaming?... or is this burning, an eternal flame…” Matt’s eyes fluttered open and he found himself in Ryan’s lap, knees on either side of his lap. The closeness felt great and Matt wondered for a split second if Ryan meant to time it to the music so well. 

“Say my name, sun shines through the rain.” Matt sang, softer now, and Ryan’s expression changed into that look he had been giving him lately that couldn’t be described. The closest thing Matt could compare it to was how Ryan looked when he was studying, which sounded weird but it was like he was trying to remember whatever he was looking at. 

“A whole life so lonely…” Matt went to sing but the lyrics got caught in his throat and the words coming out as a sad, breathy truth instead. “...And then come and ease the pain.” Matt’s glad that Ryan’s such a cheesy romantic under all the eye rolling and teasing or this would all seem very dumb. But, he still had that dopey smile on his face so it didn’t feel dumb. 

“I don’t, um, wanna lose this feeling, oh.” Matt said slowly, no longer in time with the song. 

Without something to focus on he started feeling the drugs again but way stronger this time; it felt like he was wandering through warm rain and he felt every raindrop on his skin. Matt became aware of how warm he was, the way his thighs felt with Ryan’s jeans pushing the fishnets into his skin, and the arms loosely wrapped around his waist. The air around them almost seemed liquid and Matt floated through every slight movement from either of them. The air also had a feeling to it... it wasn’t desperate or tense, instead it was knowing and calm. 

‘Don’t be scared of the future, just enjoy the present’

His therapist’s voice is soft and light and the words join the air. Join the feeling. Matt isn’t sure how long they have been quiet but when Ryan speaks again the music is different and the sounds of the party have gotten louder. 

“Your eyes look so beautiful.” Ryan whispered, looking into his eyes like he’s seeing into Matt somehow. 

It’s scary, this is so scary. 

It’s wonderful, this is so wonderful. 

Matt licks his lips and shivers at the feeling. Ryan glances down at Matt’s lips and then does the same, eyes getting a little wider after. 

‘I’m so sorry, I can’t stay here anymore. But I want you to call me when it gets bad, ok?’ 

His sister’s sad voice joined the air, the memory not exactly pleasant. The words join the air and Matt feels his heart opening more without his permission. The threads of the tight embroidery that keep the holes together beginning to loosen, a few even starting to break. Somehow it’s not bad, though, because he feels grounded with Ryan’s arms around him. Even high, even knowing his anxiety is getting bigger and is now outside himself, even knowing every single little thing is temporary -- 

“You make me feel whole...” Matt whispers and can’t help but look down after hearing his tone. “Fuck, ugh, I’m sorry, that’s a lot.” Ryan puts two fingers under his chin to try and get Matt to look up again but he can’t. 

“Don’t be sorry.” Ryan whispers sweetly. “You make me feel like I can do anything, man. I didn’t know-” Ryan stops talking and Matt looks up then to see him shaking his head. “I can’t say it, not now, but what I can say is...” Ryan leans forward and kisses him lightly. Matt’s skin tingles and it feels like honeysuckle is growing out of it. The new high, that constant and wonderful feeling, fills his senses. Only the good memories, the good days, and hope without bitterness. He pulls away to finish his thought. 

“...for awhile it felt like I was just watching life pass me by, but you got under my skin and it made me start to… feel again.” Ryan said slowly, carefully, and then frowned. “A lot of the time I-I’m… I’m afraid to say. ‘Cause you’re you and you notice shit.” He smiled at Matt and Matt smiled back, reassuringly. Then there were more noises, more than just the music and the party and the memories. One of them sounded like a bass line and the other sounded like an engine rumbling softly. Another voice from Matt’s memories joined the collective: his mom’s. 

‘Oh, honey, I’m sorry. Your fathers in a bad mood… Find Josephine, she’ll fix you right up.’ 

“Can we lay down, please?” Matt asked, his face stinging lightly at the memory. The warmth from it fills his body and then his skin is too hot. Ryan nods, looking a little concerned, and everything gets fuzzy when Matt stands up again. “I-I don’t wanna fuck though… if that’s okay…?” He sort of asks without thinking. Ryan blinks up at him and then nods quickly. 

“Yeah, man, that’s totally fine. You ok? You seem scared and, uh, I’m sorry if that’s my fault.” Ryan said softly from where he was now laying down in the center of the bed. Matt just barely registers the concern in his voice because the voices and emotions filling the space were almost as loud as the party now. Which had definitely moved upstairs at some point. Matt tried to focus on one thing at a time, going to lock the door to Tuckers room quickly before floating over to the left side of the bed. A quiet voice, one that belonged to a kid that used to bully him, whispered out. 

‘Be careful ‘round your uncle, boy. He ain’t right, that’s what a boy over yonder told me.’ 

Matt shook his head at Ryan, a little more frantically than he meant to. He probably should have said something right after instead of pacing around nervously. 

“No! No, Ry, it’s not that, jeez. I don’t know why I said that, it was stupid.” Matt said this as he climbed into the bed next to him, the pair facing each other. Ryan’s hand went to stroke Matt’s arm gently and his hand was shaking a little, like he might break the skinnier man. Another noise joined the rest: quiet, distant sirens. “You make me feel so safe, I promise. I’ll pinky promise if you want.” Matt offered and then giggled a little. His body got pleasantly warm from the vibrations and Ryan laughed lightly too. He shook his head. 

“I believe you, babe.” Ryan said softly and then closed his eyes, getting quiet for a beat before speaking again. “I swear I’m going crazy. It’s so fucking stuffy, and for some reason it sounds like home? But... there’s other noises too...” Matt gasped and his hands found Ryan’s. 

Their hands felt so right together, like God made them for each other. Matt’s hands were made for another man and that meant he wasn’t made for heaven. The thought was oddly intrusive and it felt like a knife through his heart. 

“You aren’t going crazy. I hear it too, I hear a bass line, and an engine running, and distant sirens. Plus, um, some of my bad memories.” Matt explained softly and Ryan’s eyebrow furrowed before he opened his eyes again. 

“Dude, what kinda Molly is this? It’s like you're hearing my life back home.” Ryan asked, almost sounding afraid, and Matt shrugged. It was super weird, and it would be way too much to handle with anyone else. “The noises I’m hearing, are those your bad memories?” 

“Maybe.” Matt said, looking down before speaking again. “What does my head sound like, Ryan? ‘Cause, I’ve tried just about everything to keep it quiet, but - ha - it’s always so fucking loud.” The bite in his words lit a match and the flame burned through him in an instant. A cold anger bore into his bones and it gave him chills. Ryan saw him shivering and opened his arms a little more, and Matt felt his eyes get wet as he went to find comfort in them. His faster-than-usual heartbeat felt radiant against Matt’s skin. 

“It is a mix of things, and they’re trying to be the loudest. There's a fountain, one of those fancy tiered ones, you know?” The one right outside his therapist’s office, she used to let Matt open the window during sessions. “Um, and a phone ringing but nobody ever answers.” Matt’s sister was his favorite person in the world, but she just got too busy to answer his calls one day. So he decided to stop bothering her.

“Then this song started. It’s weird, but nice, it kinda reminds me of my Mom.” The different women who helped his Mom liked to sing to Matt. Josaphine used to tell him his smile was worth the trouble. “A wrist snapping, just breaking like it was nothing.” Matt’s mind went blank trying to remember where that one came from, and he finally noticed the tears slipping down his face. Letting out a shaky breath he didn’t realize he was holding. 

One final voice filled the room, louder than the rest, and it was his Father’s. 

‘The drugs, the drinking, and now this?! And yous is lyin’ through your teeth if you say he’s just a friend ‘cause I’ve seen how you eye him, boy. I would beat a fear of God into you, but you ain’t scared of pain no more. I seen the scars too! Have your fun, you fucking nance, but just ‘member the fags in South Carolina always got wives waiting at home.”

Matt sobbed into Ryan’s chest and Ryan inhaled sharply, tightening his grip around Matt. 

“Oh, hey, hey, Matt, I’m so sorry.” Ryan soothed. “I hear it too, ok? It sounds like - fuck - like so many things.” Ryan starts rubbing Matt’s back and the air gets a little quieter. Matt rubs his face in Ryan’s chest and tries to talk normally, but it comes out shaky and broken. 

“Mm, ah, w-what kinda things, tell m-me.” Matt starts crying again after he works it out, trying to make himself small. Wishing he could be smaller and smaller until he was gone. And of course he goes a little crazy the first time Ryan tries psychedelics with him. Christ. 

“Well, um, a boy whispering but I can’t hear the words, and a lighter flicking.. then church hymns and... um, a belt cracking...” Ryan said softly and went to kiss the top of Matt’s head.  
Matt knew what every one of those meant; tightening the threads on his heart again to keep the memories from slipping out. Then he cries, and cries, and Ryan lets Matt cry for what seems like forever until, eventually, his emotions start to feel less like a river with too many rocks. 

Matt lets himself float in the newly calm waters until they carry him out to sea. He is floating in that serene sea and when he looks up all he can see is gray clouds, a promise of the rough weather ahead. Then he is back in Tucker’s room and his breathing even and the tears are starting to dry on his face. Matt wriggles out of Ryan’s grasp so he can sit up, prompting a surprised noise from the older man, and looks at the large window opposite the bedroom door as he sways slightly. The air is light again, his skin is tingling pleasantly, and his heart beat is comforting against his ribs. Because every demon has been scared off... for now...

“Hey, Ryan.” Matt speaks up finally, his horse throat making his voice come out strained and too weak for his liking. 

“Yes, angel?” Ryan asks, speaking like he might break Matt. 

Oh, Fuck him. Ugh, no, it’s not his fault. But, fuck that, It’s a little more than too late for that. Despite his knee jerk reaction to the sweetness, warmth swirls in Matt’s stomach from the ‘angel’ part and he feels his shoulders slumping as they relax. 

“Earlier you were gonna tell me how you feel most of the time but, um, you got scared. If I told you how I feel most of the time would you, uh, tell me then?” Matt turned to look at Ryan after he asked, he tried to smile but it looked forced. Ryan suddenly looked a lot more nervous but nodded at Matt, not trying to mirror Matt’s forced smile. “Cool... thanks, man.” 

“Come ‘ere, lemme show you something.” Matt said softly and pointed to the window he was looking out of moments ago. It was only fair, that's the reasoning that was stuck in Matt’s head. It was only fair that both of their walls came down, and he wasn’t afraid of what would happen. Too tired of thinking to wonder why that was. 

It’s time to jump.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is also angsty and sad... maybe a little more so if I'm being honest. If I'm being super honest the whole arc(?) at the Prescott house is gonna be p emotional.


	19. The Most Beautiful Plague

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the part in the college AU where people talk on a roof.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for all the Kudos!!! Wowie!!! I have a question for the readers in the ending notes :3c title is from say anything bc I am emo

Matt stood up and made his way to the window, opening it smoothly. He put his legs over the sill and glanced down, seeing the part of the roof under the window that was flat enough to sit on. Not far enough above the ground that it was dangerous, with a view of the yard and the towering trees beyond it. The yard was full of people who were dancing and drinking and laughing. Matt snorted at the sight, having forgotten the original intention of the night, and turned back to look at Ryan. He was met with a very concerned face. It was pretty cute that Ryan couldn’t hide his emotions right now. Everything was on the surface. 

“You trust me?” Matt asked and was met with silence, along with a face lost in thought, for just long enough to get him worried. He had a feeling he did something wrong and apparently couldn’t hide his emotions right now either because Ryan’s expression shifted from worry to guilt. 

“Ah shit, I’m sorry, man - Of course I do - I just don’t like heights.” Ryan explained and Matt nodded to himself. Feeling a bit better with the knowledge that he hadn’t undid four months of happiness with one weird drug fueled breakdown. He smirked at Ryan and shrugged. 

“Me and Tucker used to jump from the roof all the time, dude, it’s not that high up. But, uh, if you don’t wa-” 

“No, no, just… climb down first and I’ll follow your lead.” Ryan moved so he could look around Matt’s shoulder, watching as the skinnier boy put a foot on the flatter section of the roof. Finding his balance easily before bringing the other down to meet it; letting go of the window sill and lowering himself down in a swift motion. He looked up at Ryan and patted the spot next to him. Ryan nodded, following suit, and Matt put his hand out to help him sit down. Lacing their fingers together once they were both comfortable. The chilly fall air hit Matt’s legs and he moved a little closer to Ryan. They sat in silence for a moment, watching the people below them, and nobody was looking up so nobody noticed them. 

“I guess I’ll start by apologizing for kinda having a breakdown.” Matt moved his head so he could face him. “I’m so sorry, dude.” Ryan nodded, not looking, not even a glance, over at Matt. The older man reached into his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes, taking one out with his teeth before lighting it. The smell, and Matt hated to admit it, had grown on him. He smiled at the smoke that floated up into the sky, at the way it mingled with the stars. 

“Most of the time I feel trapped. That’s the big one, but then there’s the paranoia, the restlessness, and the fear… I’m so afraid of everything - my past, my future, myself - I’m afraid I’ll fuck everything up. I seriously don’t know how I stumbled into having fantastic friends, and I really have no idea why you want to be around me, Ryan. I’m… I’m just a mess.” Matt kept his eyes trained on Ryan’s profile as he said this. Their eyes met after a beat of silence between the pair and Matt felt a little self-conscious considering Ryan wasn’t looking very supportive at the moment. He shrugged and watched as Ryan took a drag; blowing it out in a huff before speaking. 

“God Matt, you’re so naive sometimes. It’s sweet, yeah, but it’s also concerning - like, really fucking concerning. People will just keep hurting you if you don’t... see what you’re worth. Bad fucking people can see through you from a mile away, man... I know because I did.” Ryan said, his voice having the hint on an edge. Matt couldn’t help the confused expression on his face, knowing he probably looked kinda dumb but whatever, this was kinda outta nowhere. 

“You’re not a bad person, Ryan, Jeez, you’re like one of the nicest people I’ve ever met, seriously.” Matt said firmly and it was the truth. Ryan shook his head and took a long drag of his cigarette before laughing bitterly, when he looked back at Matt his eyes were full of contempt. A look he had only seen a couple times in their short time together. He blinked back at the expression and drew his legs up into his chest. 

”Well, c’mon man, I was raised that way. To put others first and protect them, fucking provide for them. I’m not a bad person but sometimes I’m not myself, because everything just gets-” He cuts himself off and shakes his head to himself. The anger in his voice got clearer the longer he spoke. 

“Whattever, that’s not the fucking point I’m trying to make.” Ryan said, taking another drag and sighing out the smoke heavily before continuing. “The point I’m trying to make is this: I have been around some really bad people, I know them and I know what they do to people like you, and It’s… fuck...” He shook his head instead of finishing his thought. Again! 

“This isn’t about me, it’s supposed to be about you!” 

“Then stop! Just fucking stop making it about you by acting like an idiot, man.” Ryan snapped and he just sounded angry now. Matt’s head was reeling and his heart ached in his chest. He waited for Ryan to say something else but the tense silence between them dragged out. Ryan finished his first cigarette and went to light another, and Matt knew he’d have to say something but couldn’t find the right words. He felt like shit and, if he was being honest, deep down he knew Ryan was right. At best all the drinking and drugs and partying was a cry for help, and at worst they were a cry for attention… from anyone... 

He felt his eyes watering and fuck, that wasn’t gonna help anything. He took a deep breath and nodded at Ryan. “I..I.. Christ, Ry, I’m sorry. Truly, I am, I don’t mean to be a-an idiot... you’ve probably figured out why I act like, well, me, so I’ll save the bullshit explanations.” Matt said, focusing on keeping his voice from wavering. Fucking hell, Ryan’s legit angry one time and he falls apart. His vision started to blur a little and he didn’t blink it away; looking towards the sound of the party as he waited for Ryan’s response. He smelled a new cloud of smoke around him and then heard a heavy sigh from the man next to him. 

“I... fuck, I’m sorry, dude. I tend to lash out when people try to get me to open up.” Ryan said, his tone more even and detached than usual. Matt turned to look at him, blinking the tears out of his eyes so he could see clearly again. Ryan’s eyes followed his tears until they fell from his face and then frowned at the sight. “Ugh, I’m such an asshole. I mean, you were clearly abused for, um, I guess you just left home didn’t you… so… eighteen years…?” Ryan’s voice softer the longer he spoke and Matt nodded up at him before speaking. 

“Yeah but whatever, dude, I’m used to it. I want to talk about you, you’re shit, ‘cause I wanna take care of you too. You-you mean so much to me.” Matt said, voice far less controlled than Ryan’s. The larger man rolled his eyes before taking another drag. 

“Fucking used to it, Jesus, that scares me, man. Like, every time you aren’t with me all I can think about is the bad shit that could be happening to you, it’s… remember when we talked? After we fucked for the first time.” Ryan asked and his mask was starting to crack. Matt took off his glasses and wiped at his eyes before slipping them on again. 

“Uh, yeah, course I do.” Matt said and for the first time since they started talking he noted how far away they were from each other; they had both been pulling away unconsciously. He frowned down at the space but didn’t move to close the distance. Ryan glanced down too, looking concerned but not moving any closer himself. 

“‘Member when I said you couldn’t disappear like that on me again.” Ryan said and continued looking down at the space as he spoke. “That you wouldn’t run away again.” 

“Yeah, and I fucking haven’t, Ryan!” Matt argued, feeling some of his own anger now. More tears ran down his face as he looked up at Ryan, but his eyes were full of bitterness. “What the fuck are you trying to say? Stop trying to distract me with bullshit! If you don’t wanna talk, then fine, I’ll sleep here and you can go home. Be by yourself since you love it so fucking much.”

Ah, ok that was harsh. Matt knew it was and he put his head down on his knees after the words left his mouth. “You know I didn’t mean that.” He said, the words weak and muffled. He shook his head and wrapped his arms around his legs. Trying to make himself small in hopes Ryan might just kinda forget he was there. This sucks. 

“I, uh, also know I haven’t stopped running away from my problems yet.” Matt chuckled and looked up at Ryan, meeting his beautiful brown eyes. “Hell, I haven’t even slowed down yet, man.” Ryan’s eyes got gentle and he smiled. Matt wiped his eyes again before moving over to Ryan. They weren’t touching, just close again, and Ryan put his cigarette out on the bottom of his shoe. Giving Matt all of his attention. 

“I’m probably the worst person you could open up to, if I’m being honest dude. And that hurts cause I, ugh fuck, I… like earlier when you put your head on my stomach and I was playing with your hair, that felt right. I-I wanna- I’m trying- You- Fuck. I can’t think straight.” And it did hurt, and he knew it was true, and he didn’t even know how he ended up here. Life seemed like a blur up until now. 

“You’re telling me, babe.” Ryan mumbled and bumped his shoulder into Matt’s with a smirk. Matt closed his eyes and laughed a little, humming happily when Ryan put his arm around his shoulder. He put his arm around Ryan’s back, both of them leaning into each other. It was still tense and the silence was exactly comfortable, but it wasn’t as bad as before. “It felt right to me too.” Ryan whispered into Matt’s hair. He felt Ryan take a deep breath in, holding it in like he was holding in smoke before letting it out shakily. 

“I, um, fuck! You’re gonna know, you’re gonna know, y-you notice shit. It’s whatever, it’s fine. Here goes- a lot of the time I feel numb. For a while it was constant and then it got better, kinda, but even with you, sometimes, I just can’t. It’s not right, I’m not right, you feel everything so much and I can be so detached.” Ryan said, his volume just above a whisper. He was frowning at the party, almost like he was just talking to himself. Matt stayed as still as he could and his breathing stilled on it’s own. “I’m less numb with you, though, which is nice but it kinda scares the shit out of me. When I am feeling it’s usually not good things… I mean I wake up tired, the people I talk to make me anxious - or worse angry - and when I’m alone it’s either sadness, hopelessness, or straight up emptiness, dude.” Ryan nodded to himself as he spoke, when he finished his shoulders relaxed a bit. Matt’s brow furrowed together as he thought. Ryan looked down and when he saw the younger man’a expression he groaned quietly. 

“Oh, well, you have depression, and that’s fine. I have anxiety. We sure are a dysfunctional pair, huh Ry?” Matt said, probably a little too casually, and Ryan laughed while shaking his head up at the sky. “But, there’s more, isn’t there… you, uh, you remember when we were sharing secrets that one night? And you said you were glad you weren’t too broken for me. You remember what I told you?” Matt asked and Ryan let his arm fall down to his waist, his eyes getting wider. Expression at the intersection between impressed and frightened. 

He nodded down at Matt. “You said you were born broken...” Ryan mumbled and Matt nodded up at him, a sympathetic smile on his face. 

“‘Cause I was, I’ve always had anxiety. It’s a part of me, a part of my life - for the rest of my life - and I’m as cool with that as I can be.” Matt explained, letting his voice get quiet like Ryan’s was before. Understanding now why Ryan was acting like he was afraid Matt was going to break; he was kind of afraid Ryan was gonna shatter in front of him. “Now I might be wrong but, uh, it sounds like something happened and it changed you, and I don’t think it was your dad leaving or you having to grow up so fast, I think it’s something else.” 

Ryan blinked at him, looking dumbfounded, then his eyes shined and he blinked more. Bringing his hands up to wipe at his eyes. Matt went to wrap his arms around his shoulders, leaning into him and felt his tears start to fall again too. He had never seen Ryan cry before but this time it was like he could feel his sadness. Ryan sniffled and laughed a little, sounding surprised. Matt pulled back and looked up at him.

“How did you do that? I make some sad comment at four in the morning and tell you I’m all fucked up and you just.. figure it out.” Ryan was smiling a little but his eyes were full of sadness, tears falling slowly down his cheeks. Matt laughed a little too and shrugged. They looked into eachothers eyes for a bit, then Matt spoke up. His tone is quiet and careful again. 

“Well, I don’t know what I figured out, Ry, so it’s not that impressive…” Matt whispered. Ryan closed his eyes and shook his head, tears falling from his chin. Matt went to kiss his shoulder a few times. “Tell me when you’re ready. Thanks for talking to me, and for letting me cry.” Matt went to kiss Ryan’s shoulder again and felt him relax more. 

“Thanks for not leaving, most people do.” Ryan mumbled and Matt went to kiss his neck, shaking his head into it. 

“Gonna take a lot more than that to get rid of me, man.” Matt said and kissed Ryan’s neck more. “Thank you for being understanding, of all my bullshit and…” Matt trailed off. 

“Trauma?” Ryan offered up and Matt pulled back, making a face at the word. 

“Ew, that sounds so serious.” Matt said and Ryan glared at him. 

“Because it is serious, dude. For real, I can’t tell you how much I worry about you.” Ryan said and then scoffed, mainly to himself though. Matt knew it was for all the wrong reasons, but it felt good to know somebody worried about him. 

“Aww, my boyfriend worries abou-” Matt started teasing and then slapped his hand over his mouth, shaking his head. “Fuck! Hey, it’s not my fault, Tucker and Jackson kept saying it so I started saying it in my head an-” 

“Dude, shut up. You’re my boyfriend, I’m your boyfriend, we’re a couple, whatever you wanna call it.” Ryan said plainly, looking at Matt like he was ridiculous. Matt felt his cheeks get hot and tried to not smile like an idiot. Ryan pushed his hair back and Matt pulled him in for a kiss. He tasted like cigarettes and whatever residual high that was still in Matt’s body made him melt into Ryan. His boyfriend tasted like cigarettes, his boyfriend opened up to him, his boyfriend was the best. Matt didn’t even know he was crying, hard enough that Ryan found it worrisome, until his boyfriend pushed him back a little. Matt was surprised at his own reaction for a second until he felt a heavy pang of emotion in his chest, he put his wrist over his mouth to stop from sobbing. Moving away from Ryan and shaking his head as his tears started falling harder. 

“What’s wrong, baby?” Ryan asked, concern and worry dripping from his voice. Oh no, that only made it worse.  
Matt put his face in his hands, choking back another sob. Ryan went to grab his shoulder and he tensed up without thinking, shaking his head. He was gross for fucking hating himself for something he so clearly wanted. Hating himself for all the wrong reasons. Wishing he could be the son his parents wanted him to be. When Ryan went to touch Matt again he didn’t react as poorly. Letting Ryan wrap his arms around him. Letting his boyfriend hold him. Matt was a mess, either sobbing, sniffling, or whimpering - sometimes all three - as Ryan just sat there with him. 

“I’m, mm, I’m so so-sorry, ah.” Matt managed to work out, his words muffled, “I’m m-making it all about me a-agai-” He cut himself off when he remembered what Ryan had said. Matt knew he wasn’t mad still but it still hurt. He was the worst boyfriend ever. Ryan shushed him and squeezed him harder. 

“Hey, no, this is way different. Is there anything I can do?” Ryan asked and Matt found it within himself to look up at him, not even caring that he probably looked crazy. Ryan’s concerned expression changed, and it looked like he was breaking a little inside. “Matt…”

Matt went to wrap his arms tightly around Ryan’s neck and started crying into him again. Ryan wrapped his arms around Matt’s back, holding him tight and whispering something Matt couldn’t exactly hear into his hair. He sobbed into him and Ryan started rubbing his hands up and down his back. Letting Matt stay there until he had calmed down enough to stop crying.  
They stayed together after that though; both happy to. 

That is until Tucker’s voice filled Matt’s ears. He jumped, surprised that anyone other than Ryan was talking to him. “MATTHEW! I told you to stop hanging out on my fucking roof, man. Can you and your boyfriend please unlock my door?!” Tucker shouted and Matt pulled away to look at him, trying to look less messy than he felt. Tucker smirked up at him and Matt narrowed his eyes, going to flip him off. Ryan laughed at the two before going to grab another cigarette. 

“Fuck off, dude! I’m having a moment here.” Matt shouted down and some of the other party goers turned to look up at him. Ryan laid down and started smoking, looking up lazily at Matt. 

“I’m so happy for you, truly, but this is my goddamn house, kay?” Tucker shouted back and held his hands out, as if to point out the house Matt was sitting on top of belonged to him. Matt shrugged at him and cocked his head to the right. 

“Last time I checked it was your moms house, and I’d be a real shame if someone called her and told her you’re throwing a party while she’s in Atlanta.” Matt said suggestively and then hit Ryan’s stomach lightly, he raised his eyebrows at Matt. Matt pointed to his cigarette and Ryan shot him a weary look before handing it to him, going to light up another for himself. Matt took a drag and ew, that’s gross. He took another drag and it wasn’t as gross, but Matt wouldn’t be bumming another anytime soon. “So, uh, me and my boyfriend are gonna stay on your roof as long as we want, kay?” 

“Uh, ok. Take your time, dude.” Tucker conceded, knowing Matt would do it. He walked closer so he was under the roof, about five feet down. “Also, I was just joking about the boyfriend stuff. I thought you’d get all offended like you usually do…” Tucker said this a little quieter, the rest of the party had shifted their attention away anyhow. Matt took another drag and it kinda felt nice, but only because Ryan tasted like cigarettes when they kissed. 

“Well, I wasn’t kidding.” Matt said, beaming down at Tucker. Tucker had been there through everything, even if him and Matt were just pen pals for a lot of it, and knew that fact was bittersweet. ‘Really?’ he mouthed and Matt nodded again. 

“Aw, ok, y’all just crash in there tonight. You know I’m just being a goof.” Tucker said and winked up at him. Matt took another drag and Tucker made a face at it. “But, if Ryan gets you into smoking, I’ll fucking kill him.” Tucker said and Ryan scoffed. 

“I’d like to see you try, Prescott.” Ryan said, loud enough that Tucker could hear him and Matt laughed. He shrugged down at Tucker and took a small drag before leaning back, laying down next to Ryan. The roof wasn’t comfortable but the stars were really beautiful, he put his left hand next to Ryan’s. Ryan grabbed it and squeezed it. The silence between them was warm and comfortable now. Matt finished his cigarette and his nose scrunched up at the fact he had one. He didn’t like them in highschool and he didn’t like them now. The next thing he asked Ryan wasn’t even close to being a fully thought out idea, Matt was more chasing after, with his request, the feeling of being known. 

“Ry, you should spend Thanksgiving at my place.” Matt said and Ryan hummed. 

“We share a place, babe, but sure. We can have ramen and slushies.” Ryan said and smiled, squeezing his hand. Matt laughed half heartedly. 

“No like, come back to Charleston with me… come meet my parents.” Matt explained faintly and Ryan’s grip on his hand got hard. So hard it hurt and Matt groaned at the feeling. “Fuck, dude, ease up.” Ryan loosened his grip and mumbled out an apology. 

“How’s that gonna work? You gonna tell the-” Ryan started and Matt interrupted him. 

“Oh fuck no, oh god no. No, no… no.” Matt said firmly. 

“Say no more, dude.” Ryan chuckled and Matt rolled his eyes. 

“I bring friends back sometimes. Tuckers been, Harrison’s been, Jackson’s been - it’s about as awkward as it sounds. But, it’s worse when me and my sister don't bring people, so...” Matt kind of trailed off and Ryan was silent for a moment. 

“Ok, sure. My mom and brother are working so I was just gonna play video games.. anyway, it’ll be fun to spend it with you.” Ryan said. “Your parents though, I don’t know. You haven’t even told me their names, man.” Matt blushed at the fact. He had a very good reason to not give people his parents names, especially his dad's name, just on the off chance they recognized it. 

“I’ll, uh, tell you when we get there.” Matt mumbled and Ryan sat up. Matt looked up at him, staying on his back, and they just looked at each other for a second. 

“Get where?” Ryan asked, suspiciously. 

“Charleston.” Matt said quietly and Ryan gave him a ‘dude, seriously’ kind of look. Ok, this was definitely a bad idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok soooooo I got two more chapters that are more emotional and plot heavy - but I do have smut written for the morning after all this. Would y’all want a little smut break or are you not feeling that?? lemme know!!


	20. Everything Hits At Once

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt make’s breakfast, Ryan is tired, and the boys miss the boat home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to post smut, I saw the comments and I was. then it didn’t feel right. BUT, HEY! I have three chapters of smut that didn’t make it into the story, because they just didn’t make sense to me, and I’ll post them separately if y’all want. Little 3 smut fic anthology in the same universe...? Lemme know, I can if y’all want! (Sorry about the y’all’s, i was fr born in the south lol)

Ryan doesn’t feel guilty about being so tired the morning after taking Molly, he feels a little guilty about being so tired after having sex but the feeling was… muddled. A part of his head said that’s bad, and not just because he knew it was a douche move. After a moment he felt Matt’s head on his chest and went to run his hands through his hair. It was quiet for about ten seconds before Matt started humming some song to himself, tapping the beat softly into Ryan’s skin. 

He fought a sigh and wished Matt was also tired - or ever tired, or that he slept when he was tired, or that he slept longer when he did sleep - so they could just stay like this all day. Sleep next to each other forever, so nothing bad ever happened again. God, that's bad. That’s a lot. Don’t say something like that — say something though - something casual. 

“The mean shit I say in bed, you don't take that seriously, right? ‘Cause I don’t mean any of it.” Fuck that’s not casual, that’s weird and kinda out of nowhere.

Matt was quiet for a beat and then wriggled out of Ryan’s grasp so he could sit up, leveling an incredulous look at the older man. “Of course I don't, dude! Why would you even ask that?” Matt asked and leaned forward, cocking his head to the left a bit. Ryan knew why, but didn't wanna think about it let alone talk about it. He shrugged and looked away.

“I don't know, fuck, I just really like you. I care about you, and I wouldn’t wanna hurt you.” It sounded so disconnected, like it wasn't his voice. Too serious. Matt’s hands moved up to grab Ryan’s face, turning his head so their eyes could meet. His eyes narrowed as he tried to read his boyfriend's expression without glasses on. 

“Why would you say tha-” Matt shook his head, cutting himself off. “Sorry, big tonal shift, my monkey brain couldn't handle it, ha. But seriously, don’t worry that much about calling me a dumb slut or whatever, it’s hot!” Matt grinned down at Ryan all dopey. He reached up and grabbed the younger man’s face too, pulling him into a kiss. Gentle and chaste. 

“I’m gonna go see what Harrison made, I’m pretty sure I forgot to eat yesterday ‘cause I’m starving.” Matt said softly after Ryan pulled away; grabbing and slipping on his glasses as he made his way to the door. “See you downstairs, big boy.” He smirked at Ryan before disappearing into the hallway. After listening to the creaking of the stairs, and Matt's loud ‘What, Tucker? What did I do?’ coming from down said stairs, Ryan got up himself. 

He noticed a second door in the room and opened it to find a bathroom. Avoiding his own reflection in the mirror as he walked in. Maybe a shower would help…?

While he let the water heat up his mind wandered with nothing left to distract him. Their talk was good, a lot but good, and now he was someone’s boyfriend. Which was a big fucking responsibility. Ryan could feel that dark part of his brain trying to pull him in. Telling him that the better things were with Matt, the more it would hurt when he left later, and that the longer they were together the more he was fucking himself over in the long run. 

God, he was so fucking tired. Everything was getting heavier. Jesus. Matt’s a nice guy don't ruin him with all your shit, and don’t break him by just leaving either, just make him leave you. Ryan ran his hands down his face and shook his head. Just stop thinking, just stop. Stop it all. Don’t get like this. Not here. He stepped into the shower and wanted to hope it would help, but couldn’t. Yeah, that seems about right.  
______________

Matt was scrambling eggs in one pan, making home fries in another, and watching bacon fry. It was easy and he was able to focus on talking to his friends. Well, talking wasn’t the most accurate word. Tucker was just now getting to the end of a lecture, Jackson had been interjecting with jokes periodically, and Harrison was too hungover to contribute. So hungover that it was now Matt’s job to make breakfast. 

“I want you to wash my sheets twice, Matt! What’s my one rule when you party here?” Tucker asked and Matt glared at him.

“It’s the first time I’ve ever broken it! Chill out, dude, only a little cu- uhhmm… whatever, I’ll wash ‘em twice...” Matt argued, starting out strong but getting quieter as embarrassment flooded his system. Looking back at his food as Tucker sputtered. Sputtering became whistling, from both Tucker and Jackson, when Ryan walked in. His hair wet and up in a bun, he’s wearing his clothes from last night loosely, and is obviously blushing. Matt steps to stand behind Tucker and Jackson, putting a hand over both of their mouths to kindly shut them the fuck up. 

“I had to make breakfast because someone likes Tequila too much.” Matt says plainly, jerking his towards Harrison, and squeezes his friends faces lightly before stepping over to the stove again. Ryan pulls out the fourth chair and clears his throat before speaking. 

“Uh, cool. Thanks for making breakfast.” Ryan says in that same weird tone he had in bed. Matt turns off the burners and looks over his shoulder to see Tucker mouthing something to Ryan and Jackson grinning like an idiot. 

“Tucker! Stop saying whatever you’re saying!” Matt shouts and then laughs, unable to help how happy he was with all his favorite people in one room. Ryan shook his head, lips quirked up slightly, and Tucker grins back at him mischievously. 

“Nah, it’s cool, dude.” Ryan says before whispering something Matt can’t hear to Tucker. Tucker and Jackson glance up at Matt and then start laughing. Matt grabs five plates and starts piling food onto them.

“What’re you assholes whispering about?” Matt says and there’s some more whispering before Tucker pipes up. 

“How nosy you are, Matty.” Tucker says flatly and then snickers. Matt puts Jackson and Tucker’s plates in front of them, looking at Ryan suspiciously before walking over to grab another two for him and Harrison. Harrison scrunches up his nose at first but then starts eating. When Matt puts Ryan’s plate in front of him, the older man grabs his arm. He moves the home fries around with his fork and then smiles up at Matt, but it looks a little sad. 

“These are my favorite.” Ryan mumbled and Matt nodded, he knows. Remembered the story about a diner his mom worked at forever ago. The cooks there would make them whenever Ryan came to visit her after school. His mom sounded really sweet, and Matt was really dreading his boyfriend's reaction to his parents. They were so different.

“I’ll grab you some hot sauce, dude.” Matt whispered and then turned back to get his own food, plus hot sauce. Something that Ryan only put on homefries and nothing else. When he came back he put his plate next to Ryan’s, sitting on his lap. Telling himself it was because there were no more chairs, but he could just grab one. Ryan hesitates for a second before wrapping an arm around his waist. Matt let his fingertips run along Ryan’s hair gently and they get a little wet. Ryan glances up at him and blushes a little. It’s really sweet. 

Then Tucker makes a gross, gagging noise he knows will make Matt jump in momentary fear.  
“Stop playing house in my house, y’all! It’s gross.” He says and points to the pair with his fork before grabbing some eggs with it. 

“You’re eating the delicious food that I made so shut it, man.” Matt says and then takes a bite, giving him a challenging look. Jackson bumps Tucker's shoulder with his own and smirks at him. 

“Yeah, lay off, I think they’re cute. Reminds me of that time-” Jackson starts saying and Tucker shoulders him back, hard, glaring at him. Matt stifles a laugh and Ryan sends a questioning look up his way. Matt mouths ‘Kinda, sometimes’ and Ryan glances at the pair before returning to his own food. 

“This is actually good, dude.” Ryan comments quietly after eating a bit and Matt can't help the soft offended noise he makes. 

“Don’t sound so surprised, man. I’m not entirely useless.” Matt says, meaning it as a joke, and smiling smugly down at Ryan. He makes a face and shakes his head. 

“That's not what meant... It’s just that you don't seem like the type. Hell, I don’t know how to cook.” Ryan says and then pokes Matt’s chest. “Unless you court TV dinners, then I’m a goddamn culinary master.” 

“It’s eggs, potatoes, and bacon man, a fucking child could make this.” Matt teases, “I would know.” Ryan nods, face oddly blank, and then goes back to eating. The rest of breakfast is quiet except for Jackson poking fun at Tucker and Tucker being way too offended by it. And Harrison’s occasional comments that even just the sounds of eating are too loud and he really regrets the sixth shot he had last night. It’s nice, this is what home should feel like. Matt is starting to understand what people mean when they say they found their family.  
____________

Matt doesn't know how they had ended up spending another night at Tucker’s place. It started with the fact that Jackson and Harrison left him and Ryan rideless during their post breakfast nap. A nap that only Ryan wanted and Matt joined just for cuddles, somehow also sleeping even though he was rarely a nap person. He had got up way before Ryan did and went downstairs to play video games with Tucker; who said he would take them back to campus the next morning because he was gonna be going to study session anyway. Along with a warning that he didn't want any more of his house defined. Ryan eventually woke up once the sun had set and wasn’t thrilled with staying another night but just sort of conceded. Seeming like he couldn’t care enough to argue with the idea. 

Ryan sat next to Matt and watched the two talk shit at each other while they played, sorta spaced out the entire time. Not moving to be closer, even going as far as shifting away when Matt would accidentally bump him. He assumed it was just from being around too many people for too long and really wanted to just let it be but it was such a big shift from this morning. Like, what the fuck was up with all that shit about Ryan not wanting to hurt him?! 

Tucker eventually went to bed and Matt asked if Ryan wanted to watch something, thinking he couldn’t possibly be tired after being asleep all day. That seemed impossible to a borderline insomniac. Ryan didn’t argue, just mumbling something about wishing he had something else to wear while they watched. Matt remembered he kept some clothes at Tucker’s when he said that. Now he was changed and walking back with some comfier clothes for his boyfriend. 

“Do you own any clothes that actually fit, dude?” Ryan said, in reference to the shirt and sweatpants Matt had changed into. Matt knew it was just a tease but his voice sounded oddly detached, so it stung a bit. He threw Ryan one of the larger shirts he had at left at Tucker’s and some boxers he borrowed. Going to lay on the couch as he watched Ryan inspect the old Mindless Self Indulgence shirt. 

“I will not take sass from you about that, Magee.” Matt said, winking up at him before going to scroll through Netflix. Ryan grumbled at Matt’s comment and then got up to go change. He was still trying to find a movie that looked vaguely interesting when Ryan walked back in, sitting down at the opposite end of the couch again. The shirt fit him well and Matt realized he had never seen him in his clothes before. It was adorable. He glanced down and forgot about choosing a movie, moving to straddle him gently. Ryan rested his hands behind Matt, but didn't smile or play with his waist or tease him about there being plenty of room. Matt tried to tell himself it was nothing because it was nothing. He’s reading into things...

“You never wear my clothes.. I like it.” Matt said, not meaning to sound as worried as he did. Started to get that feeling in his chest; anxiety telling him to be careful. Ryan grabbed the remote from the couch but didn’t go to play anything. It was quiet for a few tense seconds and Matt wrapped his arms around Ryan’s neck, awkwardly trying to get closer. “You should pick the movie, you got better taste.“ Matt felt the laden rise and fall of Ryan’s chest as he sighed heavily. He heard the clicking of him scrolling through the options and just left him to it. Trying to enjoy the near silence that didn’t feel comfortable. In a half hearted embrace that felt weird. 

“Eh, nothing looks good.” Ryan mumbled while scrolling. Anxiety was starting to swirl in Matt’s chest and his arms got tighter around Ryan on their own accord. The older man made a noise at the action, and he sounded annoyed, fuck. 

Matt leaned back and looked up at Ryan, who was looking at him with an unreadable expression. His brown eyes scanned Matt’s face for a moment before meeting his blue ones. “Ah, sorry. I’m tired.” Something had changed in his tone, it was almost like he hadn’t said it. 

“Cool, that’s fine. I guess I just assumed you weren’t.” Matt said softly, eyes now searching Ryan’s expression for something, anything at all. Then something was there: irritation. 

“Why would you assume that?” Ryan asked, his voice tense and serious. Matt blinked up at Ryan, which only prompted a sigh from him, so his gaze instead found his own hands. Which found each other, and he started fidgeting. Not sure what else to do with the uneasy energy. 

“Uh, I-I don’t know.” Matt said quietly. Unsure how the air in the room had changed so quickly. 

“Woah, you don’t know why you did something. What else is new, dude?” Ryan asked sarcastically and, fuck, that one kinda hurt. More than Matt wanted to say. His hands moved from resting on Matt's back to rubbing at his eyes gently, not moving them as he spoke again. “Could you just, not be so close?” 

Matt’s anxiety got him on the other side of the couch in seconds. “Yeah, of course. I’m sorry, I just-” he started saying on instinct. 

“God, you say sorry too much, stop.. please.” Ryan cut him off, looking over pointedly. Matt couldn’t do anything but feel like he had done something wrong even though he knew he hadn’t. He nodded quickly and Ryan gave him a tight, expectant smile. 

“I’m s- oh, um, nevermind, to all of it. Do you want to be alone?” Matt asked and dropped his gaze back to his hands. Not exactly loving the long contemplative silence he got in response. 

Ryan sighed and he moved a little closer to Matt, placing an usually cold hand on the younger man's shoulders. “I don’t know. Can you look at me, please?” Ryan asked but before Matt could respond he continued speaking. “It’s hard to feel like myself when I get like this… you, uh, know what that’s like.” His voice was a little more gentle but it felt so fucking forced. All the little digs, it usually felt familiar and fun but now it was just making him kinda mad. Matt shook his head and he finally looked up again.

“No, actually, I don’t know. So... what is this?” Matt asked; gesturing to the couch between them. He was genuinely asking but his voice had more of an edge to it than he intended. 

“Dude, don’t play dumb right now.” Ryan said and Matt’s eyes got wide. “Yeah I know, I’m gonna regret that one fuck.” 

“Oh, really? I’m playing dumb? Jesus Christ, Ry.” Matt said and knew that being hurt wasn’t helping anything; but sounds always better than silence. “I’m just trying to help you, jeez!” The arguing is better than the not talking bullshit.

“You’re right, you aren’t playing dumb.” Ryan said, emphasizing the ‘playing’ part. Matt really wished he sounded angry but he was barely raising his voice. “Solving other people's problems won’t solve yours, y’know that, right?” Ouch. Ryan really knew how to hit him where it hurts, didn't he? Why was he lashing out like —

“Oh, cool, yeah, so that’s how it is.” Matt said and Ryan’s expression shifted, he almost looked worried. “Listen, man, I do dumb shit that I regret when I get bad, I get that, but you-” Matt cut himself off and look a shallow breath in before letting out a shaky sigh. Along with some of his anxiety and anger. 

“Whatever, never mind. I guess, it’s just, you said you worry about me getting hurt…” Matt blinked down at the floor and then stood up suddenly, pointing towards the stairs. “You know what, actually, fuck that. I’m-I’m gonna go to bed, man.” He started walking away, going to sleep with Tucker because he actually wanted to be alone right now, shocking. Ryan grabbed his arm as he passed him and Matt shook out of his loose grasp easily before heading upstairs. He found the guest room and slipped inside, climbing into the bed as gently as he could. Hoping to god Tucker didn’t hear any of that because Matt didn’t wanna talk about it right now. He didn't wanna deal with it till tomorrow. That seems about right, yeah.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nobody is gonna be UwU in this story. I like to write realistic scenarios and I’ve had multiple partners who have depressive episodes. That being said I am sorry for the angst <3 love y’all for reading!!


	21. We Sleep Inside This Machine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let’s talk about it...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly Important Note at The End!!

Ryan knew it was gonna be the worst of days when the first thing on his mind as he woke up was: “Don’t move, just stay in bed, sleep the rest of your life away.”

He knew it was gonna be even worse when he didn’t feel a single fucking thing when he thought about what happened last night (on slightly better days he could at least feel kinda guilty or sad about it). Waking up next to Matt made it easier to feel those things, but the bed was so cold. There wasn’t a dip to his left or the familiar sound of Matt’s sleep mumbling. He finally opened his eyes, after what seemed like forever, and blinked around a room. His mind felt like cigarette ash in the rain, like mush, and thinking about everything that happened at the Prescott house these past few days was just more weight on his shoulders. Adding heaviness to his already heavy head. It hadn’t been all bad. In fact the people who have a constant supply of serotonin, well they would say most of it had been good. The trip started good but ended bad, the talk started bad but ended good, the sex was so, so good at the time and the day spent with Matt after should of been good.

Emphasis on the should, but Ryan was barely optimistic on good days. 

The breakfast, the nap, watching his boyfriend play video games — they were all totally normal things that shouldn't make him be like this. He couldn’t understand how he got so stuck in his thoughts, like they were made of tar, and didn’t accept that fact until he was alone in bed last night. It’s just, fuck… Matt looked so comfortable after they talked on the roof, he said that he liked doing things for him, remembered what his favorite breakfast food was, looked at him like Ryan could keep him safe, and Matt knows him inexplicably well. 

That voice inside of his head that pushed everyone away got a little bit louder with every hour that passed yesterday. Getting so loud Ryan had to give into it; caving the way stars that become black holes do. Becoming a void with nothing good to give. 

Matt had mentioned something about Molly hangovers on the roof the night of the party. 

‘The two day blues, dude, it sucks.’ 

Matt’s fulsome tone echoed in his mind. Ryan groaned and ran his hands down his face. But, it wasn’t that though because yesterday started awesome and he knew he didn’t need to be coming down from some Amphetamine to feel like garbage. 

‘It won’t be as bad for me ‘cause I’m used to the brain chemicals at this point, haha…’ 

He heard Matt’s voice echo around his brain again, then recalled the younger man rambling about how fucked up the American healthcare system is. That’s the kind of shit Ryan usually found sweet, you know, how much Matt cared. He would apologize for ranting or getting worked up but Ryan liked it. Well, he usually did. He didn’t like anything right now. The sound of music floated in from downstairs and the sound of laughter followed shortly after. Ryan made himself sit up and then managed to stand up although his legs felt like lead. The music got louder as he made his way down the stairs and into the kitchen, pausing in the doorway once he was there. Matt sent a guilty smile at Ryan when he finally noticed him in the doorway. 

Why the fuck was he doing that? 

Ryan deserved whatever Matt wanted to give him, not guilty smiles. He had on that too small shirt still and a pair of black sweatpants that sat at his hip bones. An outfit like that was cute, or hot, or both to Ryan on a good day but today it kinda seemed ridiculous. The nameless feeling made all of Matt’s habits endearing to him, made Matt the guy that Ryan constantly wanted by his side, but it wasn’t there today. That should scare him but you can’t scare someone who can’t feel a thing.

People mistake apathy for bravery a lot. 

Matt’s face dropped more and he looked so, so sad, that’s when Ryan realized he hadn’t said or done anything since he walked in. So, he tried to think of something a normal person would say. 

“Hey.” 

Ryan realized that smiling wasn’t exactly going to happen, his body just wasn’t in communication with his mind right now, so he just accepted the lack of intonation in his voice. He saw Tucker sitting at the table, glancing between Ryan and Matt, and went to sit down himself. 

Tucker sent a look his way. The same look Ryan gave people who tried to mess with his younger brother. He looked down at the table to avoid it. Nothing he wanted to say would do any good anyway. 

“What was I saying?” Tucker asked, going to look at Matt again. Ryan couldn’t see his expression but assumed it was some sort of wordless ask because Matt nodded at him, but it wasn’t frantic or excited it was understanding. They weren’t telling Ryan to fuck off and instead we’re both acting like everything was fine. Ryan knew it shouldn't… but it was irritating him. 

“You were telling me about that guy who was being a massive dick.” Matt said, voice less enthusiastic than it usually was his friends. Tucker hummed and Ryan looked up to watch the two of them talk; making a bit of effort to be a part of what was happening since they were making an effort to include him, but only looked at Tucker. Matt would try and talk about stuff again if he looked at him long enough. God, he would just spit out the venom was in his head to try and push Matt away... like he did last night… fuck. In the past, if he even felt half as empty as he does now, he would leave before Matt got up and try to stay out later than usual so he could go straight to bed once he got home. 

“Uh, yeah, so he’s getting yelled at by four girls now, man. I don’t know where they kept coming from! And this guy is fucking wasted and trying to argue back, god knows why. Then a guy comes out-” 

“Holy shit, he really gets around.” 

“Ok but get this, the guy that comes out to yell, yeah? His actual boyfriend comes out and starts yelling too. Then the dick who’s cheating on all these people starts crying.” 

“What a fuckin-” 

Ryan tunes them out at some point. He just couldn't take part in what they were saying. Somehow happening to be here in this moment instead of in another on. The music that was playing in the kitchen was coming from a speaker on the counter and it just sounded dull. He crosses his arms and leans his head back, letting his eyes close; wishing he had just stayed in bed. 

Ryan assumes the noise he’s hearing is still music and doesn’t realize Matt’s asking him something until there’s a hand in his hair. “Ry, I’m making breakfast for Tucker.” Matt is smiling down at him and his eyes are full of so much emotion. How did he go through so much shit and still feel things... “Would you like something? I can make anything you’d like.” His tone is gentle, like it was a few nights ago. Ryan didn’t know Matt would sound so gentle. It reminded him of everything that happened, and then sadness joined irritation in the small selection of emotions he could feel. 

“Uh…” Ryan worked out and looked down at the table. “Make whatever, I don’t care.” Ryan had no clue if he was hungry or not but knew Matt would get that look in his eyes if he didn’t eat something. That look his boyfriend got where he was so obviously thinking.

“For sure, baby.” Matt whispers and smiles quickly before turning back to the stove. Ryan sometimes forgot about the nameless feeling but when it wasn’t there it was all he could think about. Without it all he wanted to do was pull away from Matt; because they were so close and he had stuck around. He closed his eyes after Matt walked away. The muffled sound of Matt and Tucker talking started again so Ryan let himself fall into the darkness more. The comfort of numbness and the fitting chill of emptiness. 

“Eat, Ry.” Matt mumbles and there’s a cold hand on Ryan’s arm. He meets Matt’s eyes for a moment and they’re full of worry still. Ryan looks away because he can’t offer anything in return and focuses his attention on the food in front of him; it’s pancakes today. 

“Thanks.” Ryan says and then sits up more so he can eat. It doesn’t taste like anything. It doesn’t look like Matt made them wrong, though, they actually look perfect. No, it’s tasteless and bland because of his dumb brain. Ryan goes to put more syrup on them and it doesn’t help. So, he keeps putting on more because it seems like that’ll give him some sense of control over his life, but stops when he notices Matt giving him a weird look. Just eating whatever is in front of him and blocking out whatever conversation is happening at the table. 

Once the food is gone the plate is being picked up. Ryan watches Matt carry it over to the sink and he seems so comfortable here at Tucker’s house. He should have left when Matt ran away, all those months ago, so Matt could have stayed with his friend instead. The day Matt realizes he’s actually worth a damn he’ll also realize he deserves better. Ryan feels his brow furrow and purses his lips. Without saying a word he stands up and heads up stairs again. Ryan knew he shouldn’t smoke but it was one of the only things that cut through the gloom. The taste and the way they hurt, it was so bad it was good again. Once he finds his cigarettes he heads downstairs again, walking into the kitchen to find a lighter. 

Ugh, why did he agree to spend another night here? He didn’t know where anything was. “You got a lighter?” Ryan asks coldy and turns to look at Tucker. Tucker glances at Matt briefly and then nods, standing up to grab one from the living room table. Ryan grabs it from him and heads outside to the patio by the sliding glass door. He goes to sit down where the concrete meets the lawn. Ryan lit the cigarette and fuck, even that wasn’t hitting right. He couldn’t feel the smoke in his lungs, the taste was almost metallic instead of earthy, like there wasn’t even nicotine in it. Ryan finishes it pretty quickly though, so he lights another. The second one was closer. The third one was almost there. The fourth was actually hitting a bit and Ryan sighed some of the heaviness out when he exhaled the first drag. He kinda started losing track after that. 

Then, seemingly out of nowhere, Matt was sitting next to him, hugging his knees into his chest, and pointing towards Ryan’s cigarette timidly. The older man shook his head quickly. 

“Mm, no, it’s bad for you.” Ryan said and yeah it was more than a little hypocritical. Matt didn’t heed his warning though, his long arms stretching around Ryan to grab the pack and lighter. “Come on, Matt, I’m serious, I don’t wanna be the guy that gets you into smoking.” His words weren’t helping anything, though, so he just watched Matt light the cigarette. Hair a mess, under eye circles the darkest they have ever been, and sans glasses. Matt’s eyes seemed bigger and bluer than usual when he looked up at Ryan, taking a drag of the cigarette as he did. Ryan tried to mirror his expression and managed a small smile on the process. Matt’s eyes lit up a little but he was clearly trying to be calmer and… almost smaller…? 

Ryan frowned at him, so Matt frowned back. 

“Friday night, uh - I guess last night - did I do something wrong?” Matt whispered, taking a drag of the cigarette after. But, he took such a small amount of smoke into his lungs when he smoked, the way people do when they hate the taste but like the look. Matt didn’t do anything wrong, god no. But, Ryan wasn’t exactly in the best place to be warm and comforting at the moment. 

“Come on? No, you obviously didn’t.” Ryan responded and Matt looked down at the ground, nodding to himself. The pair smoked together, sharing silence a couple minutes before Matt breaks it. 

“I, uh, I don’t know why I came out here. I just… missed you, I guess.” Matt says and he sounds confused. Ryan watches as he takes a much longer drag and holds it in; coughing as he exhales. Ryan grabs it from him and places the remaining three fourths between his fingers with his own cigarette, smoking both at the same time. Matt somehow manages to look embarrassed, frustrated, and worried at the same time. 

“Sorry you missed me… that must suck.” Ryan said and Matt grabbed his legs a little tighter. That wasn't right, ugh, apologize to your boyfriend, you dick. “Sorry, I don’t even know what that means.” 

“I do, dude.” Matt whispered and kept holding his legs tightly. There was nothing stopping him from just getting up and leaving him alone, and some distant part of Ryan was thankful that he stayed. He remembered what his Mom told him about pushing her away after Daniel died.

‘I love you, and while that won’t magically make everything better again, it can give you a lot of strength.’

Ryan looked over at Matt again and just watched him sit there. He meant what he said to Matt when they tripped, in the beginning when it was good, that he made Ryan feel like he could do anything. Anything.  
Guess the feeling could be strength, it kinda felt like strength: like a reason to fight. People have started so many wars for the ones they loved, just so they’d be safe. 

Ryan couldn’t see the blue of Matt’s eyes with the way he was sitting, so he just imagined them. So lost that night he dissociated, so confused by kindness, so sad when he thought nobody was looking, and so heartbreaking when they filled with tears. If it would make his blue eyes bright again, Ryan could fight. At least he could try, for him, because he loved Matt. 

Wait, fuck. 

While the realization didn’t cut through the clouds it cleared the gloom a little. The sun shining on Matt’s face was almost shining on his own as well. Ryan couldn’t tell how long he had just been staring at him and didn’t even notice the glances Matt had been sending his way until he fully turned to Ryan with a concerned expression. 

“Uh, are you ok? Oh shit - god, of course you aren’t. Ah, and by that I don’t mean to say, uh, that it's bad… it’s just, whatever. God, I’m an idiot. I meant like, you know, you’ve been staring at me for almost five minutes now and - It’s cool, look at me however you want, uh, yeah… and, um, your cigarettes stopped burning.” Matt stumbled through the words like his thoughts had two left feet, but Ryan got the jist. He had been staring at Matt for way too long to seem normal. Ryan also noticed he called himself an idiot and it made him sad. He couldn’t help but frown. Why did he have to say all that shit last night? 

“Sorry to stare, you aren’t an idiot, I, uh, shouldn’t have said that shit last night. I know why you aren’t pissed at me right now but you deserve to be, you know.” Ryan said and Matt glanced up at him, looking surprised before moving closer. Nuzzling his head on Ryan’s shoulder lightly. The touch wasn’t warm, but it also wasn’t cold. Just there and comforting. “I-If I knew how to help you understand this then you would know what’s up, man. But, I don’t know how, and I don’t have it in me to express anything good right now. I know that's not helpful....” Matt nodded a little into his shoulder and sighed like he had heard it all before. 

“I’m bad at this, Ry. I need- I like making people happy, and I’ve never seen you so low before, it hurts.” Matt mumbled weakly. Ryan dropped the butts of the cigarettes onto the patio once he started tasting the smoke. Staying silent for longer than he needed to as he mulled over Matt’s words. Trying not to hurt the boy he knew he loved. “I didn’t know depression could be like this, It’s never like this in the movies.” Ryan couldn't muster the strength to laugh but he did blow air out of his nose. 

Fuck no it wasn’t, because reality is a bit too harsh for Hollywood. And nobody wants to root for a dick who says mean shit to his well-meaning, anxiety ridden boyfriend. 

“Well, I — You can try if you want, just don’t feel hurt if it doesn’t work.” Ryan said and Matt gave him that look again, trying to figure him out. Holding his hand out to Ryan and lacing their fingers together. 

“In that case, I can probably convince Tucker to give us a ride early so we can go back home and sleep all day. If you want, of course.” Matt said with a more self assured expression and, yeah, that did sound better. But also completely unrealistic. Ryan shook his head at Matt. 

“You can’t sleep all day, you can barely sleep all night, man.” Ryan said and Matt stifled a laugh, rolling his eyes. “Can I just watch you suck at video games? I can sleep, and you won’t be bored.” Matt smiled wide. 

“We’ll just be quiet together.” Matt said softly, looking like he was half here and half in his mind. Thoughtful and gentle. 

“I know you don’t like being quiet. Don’t do shit just for me, dude, I‘m not worth the fucking effort.” Ryan said resolutely and he meant it. Apparently Matt wasn’t gonna take that insecurity shit lying down. 

“Well I’m going to, so deal with it, I still care about you, even if you’re a jerk sometimes… we’ll work on it together, ok....” Matt mumbled before kissing the side of Ryan’s temple chastely, letting their hands fall apart when he stood up. “I’m gonna go talk to Tucker and grab our shit. Sit out here as long as you want, kay?” Ryan nodded up at him. 

“You’re way too nice.” Ryan mumbled, having to make it sound negative for some reason, and Matt's eyes managed to get a little brighter even with minimal encouragement. He smiled down at Ryan before making his way inside again. Looking like he wanted to say something but not quite committing. 

‘By the way, I love you.” 

Ryan couldn’t say it outloud because there’s no way Matt would ever love him back. But, just feeling it was enough. It kinda felt like it would always be enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m going to be taking a 3 week hiatus to work on a few things for school this fall, i will be back to posting after that!! The ending is coming up...
> 
> i love and sincerely appreciate any comments, criticism, and notes!! <3 first fic i’ve ever written!!


	22. You Can’t Kiss Away My Shit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aw, they love each other!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! My life’s been a whirlwind. Sorry if this chapter seems meaningless or too fluffy - it’s just been so much angst. And it’s gonna be some more before the ending...

“Hey guys, long time no see.” Jamie chirped and Ryan nodded up at her with that same embarrassed expression he got every time. She took out a small notepad and clicked her pen. 

“What can I get y’all started with? Some cheap diner coffee?” She winked at Matt, who grinned back at her while shaking his head. He knew they could order drinks tonight, because Jamie never carded, and planned on doing so. Matt was totally down to talk sober but hoped it would go better with a bit of alcohol. He could guess what Ryan wanted to talk about, considering they were leaving for Charleston in four days. 

“Not that kinda night, can we get two of your finest vodka sodas instead. Uh, please.” Matt said and she made a weary face in response. He could feel Ryan glaring at him but didn’t glance over to check. The weary face gave way to a laugh as Jamie shook her head lightly, writing down the order on her notepad. 

“Bad day or something? Most people don’t order drinks here, especially on a Monday.” Jamie teased. 

“Ryan here’s in a bad mood, had to take my buddy out for some eggs and vodka, y’feel?” Matt quipped and looked at Ryan, who narrowed his eyes at him. Jamie nodded and then turned to look at him as well. She had been their server a handful of times and Ryan had tried to work out some sort of excuse for not calling her the second time she was, but she just waved him off with a knowing look between the two. 

“I’m sorry to hear that, handsome, I’ll make ‘em extra strong for my favorite regulars.” Jamie said and winked at Matt. “Want me to keep em coming?” Matt gasped and nodded enthusiastically.Jamie gave him a quick thumbs up before walking off to help another table. Once she was out of earshot Matt turned to Ryan again. 

“Aw, man, we’re her favorite regulars.” Matt said and Ryan huffed before rolling his eyes at him. 

“You’re ridiculous, Matty. Don’t expect me to carry you back to the dorm when you get shitfaced, kay?” Ryan said evenly and it was Matt’s turn to huff and roll his eyes. He didn’t plan on getting shitfaced, or whatever, but knew Ryan would carry him back without a second thought if he did. 

Matt thought Ryan was mushy and affectionate before his episode but oh boy, it was on a whole other level now. It started with Ryan saying he was feeling slightly better, then he couldn’t keep his hands off Matt, and finally the apologizing started. Like, so much fucking apologizing. Matt knew he could be fucking crazy too - so it was really ok. But, it wasn’t to Ryan. After he felt entirely like himself again he jumped at any opportunity to make it up to Matt and shower him in compliments. It was sweet; it was so him. 

“Whatever, man.” Matt mumbled and went to run his foot up Ryan’s leg a little, stopping shy of his knee. Ryan blinked at the gesture and smiled softly, almost begrudgingly. Matt wanted to hold his hand or go sit next to him in the booth, to show he was happy and comfortable, but this was as much as his brain would allow his body to do. “What did you wanna talk about?” Matt asked softly and Ryan looked down at the table. Before he could respond Jamie dropped the two drinks on their table and mumbled something about getting their usuals before running off. Ryan looked up at him again and frowned a little. 

“I just, god, I know you don’t wanna talk about this but-” Ryan started and Matt interrupted. 

“But, you want me to tell you about my folks?” Matt asked rhetorically, hearing the edge in his voice and cursing himself for not being able to suppress it. He threw the pair of small black straws in his drink on the table and went to take a large sip of it. Matt felt his body shudder as he relaxed further into the booth. Ryan gave him a sympathetic look and followed suit.

“Um, yeah. Honestly, dude, like any info at all would be great.” Ryan mumbled and Matt felt his foot tap against his ankle lightly. He nodded and went to take another large sip, the drink was almost gone at this point but it was having the desired effect. His mind is a touch more loose. Matt knew the drink would start hitting in earnest later and reminded himself to slow the fuck down. 

“Can’t help but feel I’m walking into a trap or something.” Ryan said. Matt laughed a little and cocked his head a little, eyebrows raising, as if to say, ‘well, you’re not wrong’. 

“Fuck, yeah, ok. I guess I got some tips and tricks for navigating the Watson residence that I’ve picked up over the years.” Matt joked and Ryan blew air out of his nose, shaking his head with a grin. 

“Lay em on me, man.” Ryan said quietly and leaned back into the booth a little further, crossing his arms out of instinct. He didn’t look expectant but just knowing it was opening up time sent another smaller shiver up Matt’s spine. The younger man exhaled roughly before speaking. 

“Ok, so my parents are like really conservative.” Matt started and Ryan laughed in earnest, looking at Matt like it was the most obvious fucking thing he could of said. Which, yeah, it was. Matt stifled a laugh and went to drum his fingers on the table. “I know, I know. Pretty fucking obvious but seriously, man, it’s intense. Sir and ma’am only, no cursing, you are better seen not heard, all that shit.” Ryan nodded at him and gestured for him to go on. Matt finished off his drink, fuck slowing down.

“My dad is gonna for sure wanna talk about religion and politics every five fucking minutes, dude, and you just gotta grin and bear it. If you try to argue anything it’s gonna become this huge thing, kay?” Matt said and Ryan narrowed his eyes a little but nodded anyway. Matt sighed and wished he had another drink. As if Jamie could hear his thoughts, another replaced his empty one and two plates were placed in front of the pair. She smiled down at him and grabbed the empty glass as she walked off. Matt had a slightly smaller sip and Ryan’s eyes followed the action, he went to finish his own after Matt put down his glass. Oh yeah, he was feeling it now. His brain was loose enough now that Matt didn’t mind getting more honest and real. 

“Oh, and uh, don’t stick up for me - at all, you gotta promise… I don’t care if they’re calling me insane, or lazy, or a sorry excuse for a son or, o-or…” The next words out of Matt’s mouth made him a little sick. “A faggot, or whatever, just… let them say it.” Ryan winced at the word and yep, he looked super duper concerned now. He opened his mouth and shut it a few times before going to finish his own drink. Seeming to understand why Matt had ordered them now. 

“Jesus, I-I won’t but they aren’t actually gonna say all that… right?” Ryan asked and Matt leaned back into the booth further, running his hands down his face and sighing heavily. This was such a bad fucking idea but it seemed a little too late to call off the trip. Even though Matt knew deep down that wasn’t true... and that there was another reason he was gonna go through with it. He was chasing that new high, the rush of endorphins that being known and being cared for gave him. 

“Dude, just… dammit, just don’t, ok?” Matt said and moved his hands so he could look at Ryan, his face devoid of anything but seriousness. Ryan pulled back a little at the stare and his eyebrows furrowed before he nodded slowly. Matt let out a heavy sigh and went to grab his drink but Ryan stopped him, shaking his head. 

“Slow down, baby.” Ryan said firmly and Matt glanced down, he had almost finished two drinks. Fuck. He pulled his hand back and curled into himself a little more. Wishing, like he always wished, that the way he felt about Ryan could just be a normal part of his life. Could just be just sweet, instead of bittersweet. 

Like, why the fuck does anyone care who he loved?! 

Fucking religion, it’s all bullshit. Like, he wasn’t telling people who they could — woah, back up brain. Matt dropped his eyes to the table. Fuck, fuck, fuck. 

Love?! Does he love Ryan?!

One totally innocent, concerned comment and now he’s gonna start spiraling. Because, it was a lot and he was gonna totally get disowned and everyone was gonna ask why his parents aren't at his wedding and — oh, god why was that one of his first thoughts?! Fuck, fuck, fuck. His first thought should of been getting cut off and not being able to finish college and, Jesus, he’s never gonna find a job and —

“Hey, you ok?” Ryan asked and Matt looked up to lock eyes with him. Love, love, love. That’s all he could see now. Love for the sweetness in Ry’s eyes, love for how worried he sounded, love for how he could read Matt, love for how hard he worked, even love for the chain smoking and lonerisms, love for… him. Matt couldn’t speak, his throat felt like it had honey in it and his lungs couldn’t get enough air because of it. He started breathing a little harder to try and fill them and Ryan reached his hands out. Matt was thinking too much to care and put his hands out to hold them, squeezing hard. “Matt, try and relax ok. It’s fine. I promise I won’t cause problems at your place, okay?” Matt laughed breathily at the implication, as if that’s what he was freaking out over. Ryan smiled at the sound but still looked fucking worried. Matt shook his head and felt his breathing even a little more. 

“Dude, I know you won’t. It’s not that.” Matt said without thinking and watched as Ryan’s face relaxed a little too. Aw, he cared so much. It hurt. Why does it hurt? 

“Then what is it, man?” Ryan asked, more serious. 

“Ah, nothing, I’m just fucking crazy. C’mon, you know that.” Matt responded, and he sounded so sad. Ryan squeezed his hands a little tighter and Matt closed his eyes. Letting out a heavy sigh. 

“No, you aren’t.” Ryan whispered gently and Matt pulled his hands back, bringing them close to his own body before opening his eyes again. He went to take another sip and Ryan didn’t stop him this time. 

“Thanks, but you’re a bad liar.” Matt quipped and smiled. Ryan smiled back and chuckled a little. 

“You’re one to talk.” Ryan cooed and Matt rolled his eyes. He knew Ryan was right though, he usually was. Matt went to start eating the food that was in front of him instead of responding. His boyfriend following suit. 

__________

Matt had worked his way through another three drinks and was going to grab his fourth from Jamie when Ryan stopped her, grabbing it instead. They had finished eating ages ago and at some point Matt started ranting about whatever. Literally anything that wasn't the trip home or being in love with his boyfriend. 

“Nah, nah, he’s cut off.” Ryan said and shook his head at Matt. Matt whined and bit down whatever stupid, drunken response he was going to give because he knew it would be embaressing. Jamie nodded towards Ryan. 

“Want the check, handsome?” She asked and Ryan glanced down, blushing a little, before responding. 

“Uh, sure. And another one for me.” Ryan said, holding the drink up a little as he did. Jamie nodded and walked off. Matt whined again, ok with whatever his drunk brain wanted to bitch about now that it was just the two of them. The drunkenness made the love feel amazing, just awesome, without any of the guilt or pain. 

This was so fun! They should just be drunk together forever! 

Oh wait, that's like literally alcoholism. 

“Mm, that‘s not fair, dude! I’m not even tipsy.” Matt lied through his teeth and Ryan raised his eyebrows before downing the drink all at once. His eyes were just a little unfocused and Matt knew he wasn’t anywhere as inhiberated as he was, but not entirely sober either. He wasn’t responding to Matt’s whining though and Matt got up to go to sit next to him. Not caring at all anymore, wanting to be closer to him. Ryan looked surprised, furrowing his brow up at the skinnier man. Matt looked down at his lips and leaned forward, but Ryan stopped him with a hand on his chest. 

“Jesus, Matt. How drunk are you?” Ryan asked quietly and Matt frowned down at him. The question momentarily distracts him from kissing his super cute, nice, awesome, boyfriend. Ryan shakes his head. “Shit, sorry, that sounds bad. It’s just that you don’t usually-” 

“I don’t care about that.” Matt interrupted, slurring slightly, while moving closer. “I like you so much, man, it’s stupid.” Ryan moved back a little and Matt settled into the booth next to him. Reaching out to hold his hand and smile up at him. Ryan smiled back and went to lift their clasped hands, bringing it closer to his mouth with a questioning look. Matt nodded and Ryan kissed the back of his hand gently. Matt moved closer and grabbed his face, leaning in to kiss him chastely. When he pulled away Ryan was blushing a little and looked so confused. “Aw, Ry, you’re blushing, that’s cuuute! Seriously, I like like you. I like you soooo much!” Matt knew he sounded real mushy and dumb but whatever! Ryan let out a breathy laugh and rolled his eyes. 

“I like you a lot too, dude.” Ryan mumbled and then grabbed Matt’s hand, kissing it again. Matt was so drunk, oh no. Don’t say anything dumb, brain. Be cool. “It’s nice that you're more comfortable, real nice. You sure you won’t worry about it later, dude?” Matt made a face at the question and shook his head. Fuck that. 

“Mm... nope! Hey, Ry, Ry, look at me, look here.” Matt pushed his glasses up and pointed at his face, Ryan laughed and Matt pouted at him. 

“Matt, I was already looking at you. I need to get you home, jeez.” Ryan said, voice happy from laughing. Matt’s face softened a little and he hummed, smile dopey. 

“Shh, Ry, shh, too much talking. Listen to me, listen to your boyfriend.” Matt slurred out and Ryan stifled a laugh, making a go ahead gesture. Before Matt can talk Jamie drops Ryan’s drink off with the check next to it. Matt reaches for it but Ryan grabs it first, shaking his head at Matt as he takes a sip. Just starting at him sweetly. 

“Oh, Ry! You’re so good at listening, mm, I-” Matt stopped himself and shook his head. “Ugh, I like you too much. You make me so happy, dude. Mm, you’re handsome, you’re funny, you know stuff about things, and, oh my god, you are sooooo nice to me.” Matt wasn’t entirely sure why he felt like crying but knew he wouldn't. He grabbed Ryan’s free hand and kissed the back of it. Ryan had just the sweetest expression Matt had ever seen, like he was breaking and being rebuilt all at once. So open and present and… him. He also looked pretty tipsy, it was cute. 

“You’re so fucking drunk, dude. Holy shit. But, y’know what?” Ryan said and Matt even loved all the snarky bullshit, nodding as he leaned in a little more. Ryan reached out to finish off his drink and nodded to himself. “You’re a very cute drunk and I love you..u...” Matt stilled and blinked up at Ryan while he tried to wrap his head around what he just heard. Ryan started to look worried, like really fucking worried. 

“Shit! I shouldn't have said that, I don’t even know-” Matt cut him off with a kiss, every part of him on the same page; the words echoed in his mind and made his heart beat fast. So fast, so hard, god it felt like it was gonna fall right out of his chest. Ryan made a surprised noise before relaxing into the kiss, hands moving to grab Matt’s face gently. Like he’d break him or something. He went to move closer to Ryan but found him pulling away, keeping his hands on Matt’s face. Matt licked his lips and the next words out of his mouth were easy to say. It shouldn't be that easy to say -- 

“No, no, I love you too, Ry.” Matt whispered and Ryan got that sweet expression again, looking broken and whole at the same time. He started stroking his thumb on Matt’s cheek. 

“You don't have to say it back, it’s fine.” Ryan explained sadly and looked up before pushing Matt’s hair up, smiling a little as he did. Matt’s brow furrowed and he tried to sober up a little more, suddenly seeing his intoxicated state as a negative thing. He sat back more and shoved a finger into Ryan’s chest. 

“I wanna say it back because it’s true, dude, I love you.” Matt said quietly, distantly recognizing the slur to his words. Fuck. Matt didn't wanna forget this; didn't wanna wake up trying to fill in the holes from tonight. Knowing he wouldn't be able to, not really, because the years of drinking to forget had made him an expert in it. The thought struck his heart painfully, the hurt burying itself deep in his chest. Ryan kissed Matt’s forehead lightly before moving to slide the check in front of him. 

“That’s sweet baby, I love you too.” Ryan said softly as he placed some cash down on the bill, pushing both towards the edge of the table. He turned back to Matt and went play with his hair more, gaze focused on the action. Brown eyes looking a little lost, and somber, but full of love. It was that look Matt couldn't quite place the past month. Matt smiled at Ryan and wondered if he looked at him the same way. He went to say something in response, but Ryan got out of the booth and offered his hands to Matt. He accepted it; keeping a hold of it after standing up. 

“Y’know, I’ll carry you back, if you want.” Ryan said when the pair started walking towards the door. Matt laughed and shook his head down at his boyfriend. “Seriously dude, the walk ain't bad sober but drunk?” Ryan squeezed his hand a little as he said it. The idea was tempting, a loving boyfriend carrying him home, and Matt didn't respond until they were outside. A sky full of stars above the pair. 

“Hm, I will let you carry me if-” Matt started. 

“Let me?!” Ryan interrupted incredulously. 

“Yes, let you! And, uh, I will if you listen to me one more time, mmmkay?” Matt said and squeezed Ryan’s hand. He nodded up at the younger man, squeezing back. 

“I love you, big time, and you’re like the best boyfriend ever.” Matt said, a dopey grin spreading across his face after the words leave his mouth. Ryan closed his eyes and grinned, pulling his hand away before opening them again. He turned his back to Matt and the younger man took the que to hop on. Wrapping his long arms and legs around the smaller man, letting his head rest comfortable in the crook of Ryan’s neck. 

“I’m your only boyfriend ever, Watson.” Ryan chuckled and started the short walk back to the block of dorms. “I love you too, you fucking alcoholic.” Matt huffed into his neck and hit his chest lightly.

“I’m not a fucking alcoholic, dude.. I’m just fun…” Matt retorted weakly, body starting to feel heavier now that it didn't have to support itself. The comment only stung a little, he knows he should drink less. Ryan should smoke less though, fucking hypocrite. 

Ryan giggled at the explanation and the pair were silent the rest of the walk. Matt too focused on not falling asleep on Ryan's back to keep up a conversation. The sound of the breeze, the occasional car driving by, and Ryan’s breathing eventually lulled him to sleep though. Despite his best efforts. The last thought he had before giving way was a prayer (ha!) that he didn't forget tonight. 

______________

Ryan opened the door to the dorm room, trying to be as quiet as he could. But, some people decided to run down the hall, screaming at each other about something. He winced at the volume and slipped into the room before closing the door. Matt groaned from the bed and Ryan looked over to see him rubbing his temples. Fuck. He walked over and sat at the edge of the bed, noting the red tint to Matt’s blue eyes with the new closeness. 

“You good, man?” Ryan asked sarcastically and Matt groaned again, reaching out to hit his shoulder. He laughed and slipped off his shoes, moving to lay next to the very hungover Matt. The taller man sighed and turned to curl into Ryan’s side. 

“Cute laugh, too loud, though.. uggghhh, why did you let me drink so much dude..” Matt complained in a pained voice, nose scrunching up a bit. 

“Well, I did cut you off after the fifth...” Ryan said, feeling a little guilty now that he was saying it outloud. The drinks were strong enough to get him tipsy so he really should have cut Matt off after two. Not five. But, it was a hard conversation for his boyfriend and at the time it seemed OK... 

“Five?! Shit, sorry if I said or did any dumbass shit.” Matt apologized, sounding guilty himself. Ryan hated himself for hoping, as he had hoped the entire morning in class, that Matt had forgotten everything that happened. He knew the answer to his next question but asked it anyway. Needing to know it was true. 

“Nah, don’t worry, man. Whaddya remember?” Matt snorted in response and gestured weakly.

“Fuck all, Ry.. mm, last thing I remember is your super serious, super concerned old man face.” Matt teased and Ryan frowned. He had wanted Matt to forget, but it hurt a little. It was possible all the confessions and nice words were entirely the effects of alcohol, none of it actually true. Ryan forced a laugh out and elbowed Matt gently. 

“I’m twenty, asshole. Sorry I care about you, must be real hard for you.” Ryan said sarcastically and Matt snickered before nuzzling into his neck. He didn't respond and so Ryan chose to remain silent. Trying to enjoy the next three days of peace with Matt as much as possible, knowing the holiday break was gonna be a hard one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the support!!! you guys rock <3 pray for me - i got a new crush ...


	23. morning sex: the lost smut chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From the morning after Tucker’s Party!! To tide y’all over until the home visit, sorry it’s a very emotional chapter to write. Please see note at end!! lots of news in my life ;) love y’all!! thank you for the support!!

Ryan had been having lots of dreams where it was him and Matt together - but, never anything like this, it felt so real, oh god. Matt was riding him and shoving his fingers into Ryan’s mouth. It was so good. It was always good but Matt was riding him harder and faster in his dream than he could in real life. Maybe he’s had lots of practice in this reality..? 

The thought made his body burn, moaning around Matt’s fingers. Ryan felt rope against his wrists and ankles, it dug into his skin more with every movement. It's amazing, the slight pain and almost overwhelming pleasure combined. He tried to buck up into Matt and found it nearly impossible, but it was enough for the skinnier man to take notice. He hums in a way that seems way too controlled and he starts to slow down until he’s barley fucking himself anymore. 

Ryan pulls against the restraints and groans around Matt’s fingers. But, the rope is tight and Matt pushes his fingers in further. Not so deep that it’s uncomfortable but deep enough to get the message across. Matt wasn’t even moving up and down anymore, just grinding down as his hips circled around Ryan. He felt great still, but nothing compared to the previous pace. Matt’s dick was hard on Ryan’s stomach, the tip of it wet and brushing against the skin there lightly when he would bring his hips forward. Matt closed his eyes and his head fell back a little as he bit back noises. Jesus christ. Ryan went to pull on the restraints again, trying to grab him so he could fuck him in earnest. Matt let out a breathy laugh and looked down at Ryan. 

His eyes are dark and lusty but still focused, almost calculating. Usually it was Matt who was desperate and pleading, with Ryan denying him because he knew Matt loved it. Rarely the other way around. Matt’s thighs tensed up as he started to lift himself on Ryan’s dick slowly. He pulled his fingers out of Ryan’s mouth and Ryan threw his head back, letting out a low moan. Matt continued to pull up until he was at the tip of Ryan’s dick and then kept his previous pace as he went down again. He was so tight, and every time he took a little more Ryan let out a louder, more needy noise. The rope dug into his skin yet again when his arms pulled against the ties on their own volition, his body taking complete control. Ryan whimpered when Matt finally bottomed out again, grinding down when he did. A shaky exhale falling from his lips before he spoke. 

“You better be careful, daddy. If you pull on those restraints too much you’ll hurt yourself.” Matt warned, moving his hips in a circle again and humming happily at the sensation. Ryan bit his lip as he willed his desperate body to relax. It was frustrating… but it was also so fucking hot to watch and feel his boyfriend have so much power over him. “Mmm, such a good listener. If you keep listening to me, I’ll fuck you again. Is that what you want, Ry? To watch me cum while I use you like you’re one of my toys?” Ryan felt his dick throb, closer to cumming just from picturing it. Being used and degraded like that… he was starting to understand why Matt loved it so much. 

“You fall apart when you’re desperate to cum, it’s so sweet. If you weren’t all tied up you could hold me down and fuck me, mm, however you w-wanted.” Matt seemed like his resolve was slipping a little, gasping before grinding down harder, as he focused on a particular spot. Ryan choked back a groan and nodded. “Ah, tell me how badly you wanna fuck me, daddy, tell me how you’d wanna take me if you could…” The goddamned tease started moving faster after asking too. When Ryan tried to think of something to say all that came to his mind was letting Matt do whatever he wanted; wanting to be good for him. The thoughts made his head skin and heat pool in his gut. Fuck, that's new. 

“God, Matt. Y-you look soooo good like this.” Ryan sounded like Matt usually did, breathy and whiny and uninhibited. Matt seemed to like it as much as Ryan did, his eyes closing as he started panting. “So badly, god, I-I’d fuck yo- jesus baby, I’d fuck y-you anyway you wanted, ah, if you’d let me…” Every movement Matt was making was getting him closer. But, it wasn’t fast enough, wasn’t rough enough, fuck, it just wasn’t enough. Matt licked his lips and nodded, his dick was twitching against Ryan’s stomach. And he was doing exactly what he said, using Ryan as a toy until he came. Ryan could barely stop himself from pulling against the rope again, the thought made more heat pool in his gut. 

“Don’t act so dumb, Ryan.” Matt breathed out and then choked back a moan. “I-I’m already getting what I want.” Ryan groaned at the meaning and his skin was buzzing. He closed his eyes and the pleasure was amplified now. Feeling everytime Matt would tighten around his dick as he chased after his own undoing. It was all so much better than Ryan would have imagined and he wanted to give Matt the same feeling. “Tell me what you want.” Ryan wasn't focused on the request though. As his mind began to wander to what Matt would look like if he was tied up...

He would beg so much, fuck. Matt whines so much about not getting his way already. Tie him down on the bed and take all the time in the world, being gentle at first to get Matt needy. Then Ryan would choke him a little and leave marks all over him, Matt would moan and whine trying to get more. Start talking to him after that, calling him names and describing all the ways he wanted Matt to touch him. Opening Matt up while he talks. Only fingering him once the whiny slut begged to get fucked. Focusing all his attention on that one spot that turned Matt into a whimpering mess. Hell, he wouldn’t even fuck Matt. Ryan would make him cum just from his fingers and then when Matt wanted to return the favor he would jerk off instead, cumming all over his pretty face. While he fucking bitches about not getting his face fucked. 

“Jeeeeesus, Ryan! You- Fuck- Please do that, mmm, sometime. T-that sss, mm, sounds so good…” Ryan looked up at Matt. Babbling and moaning on his dick, jerking himself off sloppily. While the words weren't intentional the effect they had got him there. Ryan was right on the edge and was so close to falling off when Matt stilled, breathing in as he fell apart; cumming on Ryan’s stomach with a high moan. He looked so blissed out, breathing shaky and uncontrollable, as Ryan felt him tighten against his dick. Fuck, that’s it, that’s- 

Then there was nothing. 

__________

Ryan woke up, head buzzing and body comfortable. Everything was warm and pleasantly heavy for a moment… then he felt how fucking hard he was and groaned as images flooded his mind, hand moved down on its own accord. Eyes slipping shut again as he started stroking himself, dick slick from pre-cum and throbbing in his hands. Letting out a shaky sigh of relief as the tension in his body melted down his spine, already close. Ryan felt wet, sloppy kisses being pressed into his hips, letting out a surprised hum as Matt started trailing down his thigh. Whining a little when his boyfriend started sucking the skin there lightly, humming into the action. Ryan’s grip tightened when Matt pulled away to speak, sounded like he did after getting fucked. Voice listless and soft. 

“God, I’m jealous of your fucking fist dude. I came so hard watching you… panting and grabbing the sheets… I was about to blow you awake but you, ha, beat me to it.” Ryan assumed Matt was just talking dirty and started stroking faster, too far gone in the feeling to respond. The words were lost on him but sounded fantastic coming from Matt sounding like that. The faster, messier strokes prompted a whine from Matt as he brought his hand out to grip the base of Ryan’s dick. He whimpered in response because Jesus, he just wanted the release at this point. Not wanting to slow down or wait; too horny, desperate, and hard to care. Matt squeezed a little harder and Ryan stopped, his body begging him not to. He put his arms down on the bed so he could sit up a bit and get a better look at Matt. He was wearing Ryan’s hoodie from last night and hadn't put on his glasses yet, blue eyes half lidded and lusty when they met Ryan’s brown ones. Matt’s ankles were crossed over each other in the air so his legs formed a loose triangle behind him, moving back and forth slowly. He looked adorable and sexy at the same time. Somehow keeping up both as he sucked the tip of Ryan’s dick softly, the fabric there getting more damp with the addition of saliva. His arms lose all their strength at the feeling and Ryan relaxes back into the bed again. Matt hummed happily and let his nails tease up Ryan’s stomach slowly. The feeling sent shivers down his spine and managed to work out some words. 

“How long h-have you been there?” Ryan asked breathlessly, processing the fact that Matt had cum while watching him, and tried to keep his eyes open enough to drink in the sight of Matt teasing him. He let out a broken whimper when Matt pulled back from his dick. The smaller man licked his lips, quick and hungry, and went to take off Ryan’s boxers. Watching intently as Ryan squirmed, the slow slide of the wet fabric teasing down his length. It was frustrating but so good, felt right to let Matt do whatever he wanted. A heat crawled down his body and joined the tension. Ryan raised his hips a little so Matt could remove his briefs completely, his blue eyes looking up again as he settled into the position he was in before. Taking the base of Ryan’s dick into his hand again and biting his lip lightly before answering the question. 

“Not too long... I just, um, have a weird thing for guys having wet dreams. I-I’ve watched videos but I’ve never seen it up close before. I don’t know, like watching someone cum without touching themselves, the sexy, sleepy noises - it’s really hot to me.” Matt confessed, his eyes almost shameful as he looked up at Ryan. He was going to say that it wasn't weird, be reassuring, but Matt moved his dick so the tip tantalizingly close to his mouth. Breath warm and heavy as he continued talking, voice tighter now. “You’re dick was straining and throbbing, a-and you seemed so close, mm, there was so much pre I kept thinking you had cum, I didn’t even realize I was jerking off until I felt myself cumming, you just looked so horny and frustrated and - fuck dude, I’m gonna get hard again if I don’t shut the fuck up.” Ryan’s dick twitched hard in Matt’s hand and a bead of pre-cum formed at the tip. Matt looked so hungry and dazed while talking, gaze unfocused like it was during any of his fantasy deep drives. 

It was too easy for Ryan to picture him climbing between his legs so he could watch him have a sex dream. Face flushed, eyes glassy, and trying to keep quiet as he came all over himself. God, fuck, Ryan did not need more things to cum to. The images weren't even necessary when Matt was looking up at him like he wanted to ruin him. He went to suck the pre-cum off the tip of Ryan’s dick, tongue focusing on the slit as he hummed around it. Ryan’s dick twitched in his grasp and he closed his eyes again when a wave of pleasure washed over him. Actually feeling like a wave of warm water around him: dizzyingly heavy as it swirled around his sensitive skin. He heard himself talking, the words thoughtless and pleading. 

“B-baby, you’re so good, ah a-amazing. Your mouth is perfect, plea- Matt, m-more please, p-please…” Once the words left his mouth Matt moaned a little, taking just a little more and swirling his tongue quicker. The new sensations radiated through Ryan and he was so close. He grabbed hard onto the sheets to keep his hands from reaching for Matt’s head. Fighting against the urge to grab his hair and fuck his boyfriends face until he was coming down his throat; body straight up pissed at him for not doing it. But, Matt was so into this and, well, just whatever Ryan did. The thought made him shiver and it was even good when Matt pulled off of him again. Ryan couldn't help but whimper at the loss, though. He opened his eyes, looking down again, and his dick throbbed at the sight of Matt. Pouting up at him, dark pink bottom lip just barely moving against his slit so the cum there covered his lips. Looking at him, trying to form words, only made his dick twitch more against Matt’s lips. Matt's eyes were wide when he looked up at Ryan with a faux innocent look, tightening his grip on the base of Ryan’s dick as he pulled back a little. Just enough to talk. 

“Were you dreaming about me, Ryaannn?” Matt asked in a honeyed tone - somehow making his four syllables instead of two - eyes half lidded. Then he licked up the underside of Ryan’s dick before kissing his way down. Ryan let out a low moan when Matt licked up again, swirling his tongue around the tip before taking it into his mouth. Ryan gripped the sheets a little harder as Matt took more of him, lips tight and cheeks hollowing a little. Matt blinked up at him sweetly and Ryan bit back a noise, trying to focus on answering but finding it nearly impossible. Matt’s expression got smug before his eyes closed and he went down more. His free hand went to scratch lightly down Ryan’s hip with his nails while he hummed around the dick in his mouth. Ryan let his body do the talking again because his brain was spinning and too focused on how hot Matt’s mouth felt. 

“Yes, sss, it felt so real, s-so, I was so close before I-I woke up, ba- Mm, y-you look amazing down there Matt, fuck.” Ryan said, voice rough and uneven. Matt pulled back, catching his breath as his face got pink, and sent a dopey grin up at Ryan. So cute, fuck how is he so cute? He narrows his eyes a little and then smiles at Ryan’s expression. Adorable. Then wordlessly goes to suck the tip again. But he works his way down quickly this time, Matt’s mouth meets his hand before he pulls it away; relaxing so he can replace it with his mouth. Ryan’s dick rests at the back of Matt’s throat and the younger boy bobs gently, staying down. It’s all so fast that Ryan doesn't know what to do other than pull up on the sheets and try not to be too loud as it happens. Jesus fucking christ. The tension in his gut burned hot in an instant and -- 

Ryan’s hips snapped up on their own accord and it’s almost like Matt was expecting it, his nails already digging hard into his thighs as his throat relaxed around the thrust into it. The pain amplifies the pleasure and Ryan goes to thrust into Matt’s mouth again, just a few more, come on -- with the second thrust up Matt’s gags a little, when he opens his eyes again they are wet and shining. Ryan stills and his hands shootout to run through Matt’s hair as concern floods his system. The feeling overriding everything else, it always did when it came to Matt. 

“Shit, Matt - I’m s-sorry, I didn’t me - Ah, Jesus, ba...by….” Ryan starts to apologize and Matt dug his nails into him harder, shaking his head gently as his nose touched Ryan’s stomach again. His hips don’t snap up and instead he relaxes into the feeling, only gently pulling Matt’s hair because he knew he liked that. Matt moaned at the feeling and his grip on Ryan’s hip loosened before he pulled back quickly. Letting Ryan’s dick fall out of his mouth. Ryan lets out a low groan as the electricity in his body starts to dissipate and his dick throbs hard against his stomach. The air is only cold and jarring for a moment, though, before Matt is back on him. Licking up the length listlessly and occasionally pressing wet kisses into the shaft. He was a brat, toying with Ryan like this, but he was also a sweetheart. The heat from Matt’s mouth went everywhere: blooming in his chest, making him blush, in addition to swirling in his gut again. 

“You’re so sweet, Ry.” Matt mumbled into him before licking up his dick messily. Taking the base of Ryan’s slicked up dick into his hands again, starting to stroke idly. His blue eyes adoring as he lets his mouth part slightly. “Sorry for the wait, but uh, frustrated beyond belief is a great look on you, dude.” Matt bit his lip and glanced down with a blush. “I’ll let you cum if y-you tell me all the things I did in your dream… lemme know how you want me, daddy.” Matt moved Ryan’s dick between his lips and glanced up at him again before closing his eyes. Starting to blow Ryan like he usually did: eager and needy, like all he wanted was to feel Ryan cumming. Trying to one-up himself every time he did, a very Matt thing to do. Ryan forgot how spoiled he was and this entire morning made him grateful all over again. Fucking hell. Ryan lets out a low groan as the heat from his boyfriend's mouth enveloped his dick until it met his hand. His mind tried to keep up with Matt’s request as his body gave in entirely to it; knowing it wasn’t going to stop anymore. Knowing he wouldn't last very long. Ryan’s grip on Matt's hair tightens as he starts talking down to him. 

“Ah, ah, mm, well I-I couldn't do this,” Ryan works out while pulling up on Matt’s hair harder than usual, “you had me tied down and -- Christ, M-Matt, that’s, sss, fuuucking good.” Matt moaned roughly around Ryan’s dick after he mentioned the restraints. Opening his mouth a little more when he does, letting spit fall out onto his face. His stroking gets faster as he starts bobbing his head faster, so fast, oh god, that - that can’t be easy. Ryan could always feel the speed and the wetness but now he could hear it too. Matt was whining around his dick, the noises getting wetter when more drool collected at his lips. He let out a low moan and pulled up harder on Matt’s hair, inspiring another muffled moan from him. Ryan wanted to see how far Matt could take this and kept talking. Pulling back on Matt’s head as he did, it was his turn to be in control. 

“You like that, huh? You fuckin’ l-loved it in my head, mm, love getting your w-way, aa, you’re such a brat- Ah, aaa, baby- don’t hurt yourself...” Matt whimpered at the name calling and took Ryan as deep as he could with his hand there, gagging a little with how fast he let his head fall. Tears forming in his eyes as he started to purposefully gag himself on Ryan’s dick and, god, that shouldn't sound that hot. Ryan pulled up on his hair briefly before shoving Matt’s head more. Just to gauge how Matt was feeling, he didn't need any help gagging on a dick. The thought sent a shock up his spine and he remembered how close he was. “You’re such a, ah, s-slut babe. Mm, my slut, all mine - fuck-king look at me, ee, wanna see you cry.” None of it was true in the slightest, but Matt liked it as much as Ryan thought he would. He glanced up at Ryan, eyes wet and greedy, and some tears ran down his cheeks. Ryan bit back a groan, again feeling like it shouldn't make his skin burn to see Matt like this. 

“How p-pathetic, Matt, it's cute. You, oo, felt so good r-riding m-my dick in my head. U-using me, mm, until y-you came on me.” Ryan was incapable of sounding dominant right now, stuttering instead of moaning. But, Matt didn't mind a bit, Jesus, Ryan didn’t know he could get him going even more. Matt tried to keep his eyes open as he gagged around his dick again, tears mixing with more drool. His hand moved down to squeeze the base of Ryan’s dick as his nose touched the dark hair there. Ryan pushed him down more and Matt hummed happily as he swallowed the tip down. The tightness there vibrated with every needy noise and then he gagged a little, Jeeesus. Ryan would have come from the way it felt if Matt wasn’t squeezing him. He whimpered and stopped pushing Matt down, it was too much. “B-baby, aa, I-I, please..” Ryan breathed. His dick was twitching against the back of Matt’s throat now and Matt’s grip got tighter before he pulled back. His other hand left Ryan’s thigh so he could stroke him again. The sloppy noises from before willing the room again as he worked his way up quickly, sucking hard and messy at the tip of Ryan’s dick. Letting his tongue fall from his mouth more, pre-cum joining the tears and saliva on his face. Matt looked up at Ryan again as he did and didn't seem to care at all that cum was falling from his face. That’s too hot, that’s on a whole other level of hot. Matt should be in a porn not between Ryan’s legs looking up at him like that. Ryan bit his lip and closed his eyes, shaking his head a little as his body tried to cum again. When he opened his eyes again Matt had more dripping down his chin, his stroking got a little slower and he pulled back enough to speak. He sniffled before he did and was trying to catch his breath as he spoke. 

“Ah, daddy, ah, be more mean, please ah, I need it.” Matt said and then smiled up at Ryan reassuringly, knowing the older man worried about it sometimes. His smile turned devious before he looked down at Ryan’s dick. Opening his mouth a little; cum and spit dripping down his lower lip and down the length of it. Ryan let out a shaky breath and nodded, eyes locked on how Matt’s bottom lip looked until he went down on him again. No longer gripping the base of Ryan’s dick. Matt’s hand started to match the speed of his mouth, falling back into his previous pace like a pro. He could be more mean, if that's what Matt wanted. 

“Ah, b-babe you’re great, ah, at taking a dick. God- mm-makes up for the fa-act that you never shut-t, the, f-fuck up!” Ryan had gotten good at sounding mean after months of being with Matt, his voice could be rougher and deeper when he was this close. Matt moaned roughly, it was all he could do considering he was already doing the most. All his shame and self-control is gone. Ryan let his head fall back and pulled hard on Matt’s hair; all the denial made this ending so much better. He kept talking, mindlessly letting insults fall from his lips as he rode the feeling to the relief he had wanted for what seems like forever. “Aah and you k-know it, mm, acting up all the time. You like watching m-me cum, baby? Always so fuckin’ - ah, ah mm - horny, dumb fuckin’ skank. I-I try ‘an train you, mm, and you never listen, needy fuckin’ brat you are...” Matt made a whiny noise that morphed into a soft sobbing noise. Ryan opened his eyes again, worried he had gone too far, and Matt was looking up at him. He wasn’t crying though. His blue eyes were wet, droll and cum on his flushed face, and hungry. So beautifully overwhelmed while trying to do his best. So hot, fucking stunning. The visual puts Ryan over the edge, his hands getting gentle in Matt’s hair. 

“Ah, baby, I-I’m- you're-e, fuckin’ flawless, jesus...” Ryan’s voice came out as a whisper and some distant part of him knew none of what he said was helpful. But it was true. The whispering became shuddering breaths as all the tension in Ryan’s body was released. The heat melted from his skin and was replaced by a buzzing warmth. He relaxed into the feeling and distantly realized Matt’s mouth was no longer around him, but was too far gone to care. Matt’s hand still there, working him through it, until it was too much. Ryan pulled on his hair gently as he made a soft noise of protest, the newfound weight in his bones pulling him back to sleep. Wait, shit. Don’t be that guy, don't fall asleep right after cumming. Ryan went to pull Matt up with him but only got a breathy laugh in return, his boyfriend grabbing his hand. Pressing a too wet, gross feeling kiss into it. 

“Not the best idea, dude.” Matt quipped, his breathing a little more even. Ryan wiped the back of his hand on his stomach before opening his eyes a little. Matt was sitting up now, swimming in Ryan’s now very stained black hoodie, and smirking up at him. Ryan couldn’t help but laugh at how casual he looked considering he had cum all over his face. Matt laughed too and ran his finger down his cheek, tasting it. Face twisting up a little as he did. “Ugh, cums only taste good warm, man.” 

“It’s not good warm either, Matt, you’re just not horny anymore.” Ryan teases, too sleepy to actually sound snarky. Matt rolled his eyes and went to taste some more, humming around his finger this time. Just trying to prove a point, but Ryan put the image away in his head for later, continuing to watch. He had never cum on Matt before because Matt would bitch so much about getting cummed in, not on. “I should cum on you more, s’hot.” Matt licked his lips and then smiled softly, nodding. He went to wipe more cum off his face and Ryan groaned, cocking his head towards Matt’s chest. 

“Just use my hoodie, man, it’s basically a cum rag at this point.” Ryan grumbled, closing his eyes again. Feeling guilty about being so tired, they had just gotten up. A part of his head said it was bad, and not just because it was a douche move.

...

..

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey uu!! so i asked out my crush at work, he is amazing and is now my boyfriend!! i’ve been spending a lot of time with him and i also enrolled in an extra class last minute so i’ve barley had any time to myself. This was written awhile ago but i wanted to give y’all som something !!! love all the support and comments - i will reply to them one by one tomorrow <3 THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!


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